(As told to Priya Chaphekar)
Why I thought I should take tips from YouTube
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Sandeep and I had an arranged marriage. So it goes without saying that we took really long to explore each other’s sexual desires. Post childbirth, I was averse to any kind of sexual activity for a good six months. But I eventually made up my mind to bounce back – dump those maternity pants and redo my wardrobe, wake up with a smile even after breastfeeding a crying baby five times in the night and go for a regular walk while acknowledging my priorities. Slowly and steadily, the occasional sex took away my stress and made everything fall into its designated place. However, it still lacked that deep passion. That’s how I began taking tutorials on ‘how to seduce your husband’ on YouTube. I really wish I hadn’t.
Related reading: Tips for every married woman to seduce her husband
It got too hot to handle
On one afternoon, when Sandeep was working from home and the baby was fast asleep, I got into action by rubbing his shoulders, went close enough for him to feel the warmth of my breath on his skin and began touching him in the most intimate places. I’d only started to warm things a little when I smelled something burning and dashed out half-naked to the kitchen. When I entered the room with a plate of half-burnt chicken, he was already busy on a call.
Bringing down the house
But me being me, I didn’t give up. The next video I watched was about being more open to experimentation. “One of my biggest fantasies is to make love to you in the shower,” Sandeep had told me on our honeymoon and I’d bluntly refused. So I stepped into the shower with him the next morning and just when we were about to do it, my leg slipped and I grabbed the shower curtain, crashing down with the whole thing. “It’s okay, love,” he said, massaging my sprained ankle. “Let me take some effort the next time,” he insisted.
Stuff gets real
A month or so after the fall, Sandeep woke me up in the middle of the night and nudged me to get down on all fours. “This is going to be perfect,” I repeated to myself as he entered me and just then, I let out a queef the moment he withdrew. Awesome. Although my beloved husband tried his best to pull me back into the game, the moment was clearly gone and I was already obsessing about the next day’s to-do list in my head. “Send him hot pictures,” I made a mental note and fell asleep.
Related reading: 5 naughty texts to send to your husband to make him come home asap
This time it’s gonna work
After a long shower the next day, I clicked some really hot pictures (not to mention the bright red pout and cat eyes) and sent them to him. “Tonight you’re going to be mine,” he replied. I’d taken care of everything – the bedroom was well vacuumed, decorated with a string of scented candles leading to the bed and the sheets strewn with rose petals. Next to the bed sat two bottles – one wine and one aromatherapy. I would change into the corset he had gifted me on my first birthday after marriage just before he arrived.
Tonight was going to be the wildest night of our life and things were moving as planned – smooth, like the wine we would be drinking a couple of hours later. And just then, I felt my stomach curdle. “It’s coming,” I ran to the washroom, and there it was – the thick drop of menstrual blood. I quickly popped a painkiller and researched about ‘why you should have sex on your period’. So the woman in the video was trying to convince me how period blood is a natural lubricant and how orgasms are natural pain-relievers. Like seriously? I was feeling like a mammoth whale was gnawing the walls of my uterus. Reluctantly though, I slipped into the corset anyway.
I welcomed Sandeep with a smile and a hug. He was too keen to make the most of this night and I did not want to disappoint him. “Sandeep, I got my period a week earlier this time. But you know what, we can still do it. They say that women are hornier during that time of the month, don’t they?” I tried to laugh. He undressed me and started planting soft kisses from the small of my back and moving up towards my neck. “Let them say what they want to, baby. Right now, all you need is a good backrub and a good night’s sleep. Nothing else,” he whispered in my ear.
But my husband knew exactly what I needed
That night, Sandeep treated me like a queen – he gave me a long massage, then ordered a risotto from my favourite restaurant and put the baby to sleep. “Manisha,” he said, tucking a wisp of stray hair behind my ear, “No matter your stretch marks or flushed breasts, you’ll always be my person and I’ll be yours. I know you’ve been trying really hard to balance too many things at the same time. But I think you must stop trying so hard and relax yourself. Your body will go back to its normal course in no time and even if it does not, I’ll still find you as attractive as you were the first time we made love.” I was really lucky to have him, wasn’t I?
And then, just like that, we ended up having one of the best nights of our lives – cuddling and huddling together, and most importantly, without any digital prompts.