‘I’m not good for you.’ The age-old, romanticised dialogue that angst-ridden heroes gave to their gal pals. While in retrospect these dialogues sound extremely condescending (in most cases, it would be the man trying to discourage the girl, somehow making it seem like he knew better than her what was good for her, taking her agency away), it is still something that is said. Trust in a relationship is about the man trying to give his best and not trying to move out with an excuse. Sidharth Malhotra in the film Baar Baar Dekho had exactly these issues when his girlfriend Katrina Kaif wanted to get married. In most cases, it is the boy trying to untangle himself from the girl, it’s a sentence meant to distance himself from the other person, but what exactly does it mean when he says so? We tried to figure it out.
The reasons when a man doesn’t have enough trust in a relationship is when:
- He genuinely thinks he is a bad influence.
- He might not want the same things as you do.
- He might not really feel he is good enough for you.
- He might want to let you down easy.
- He might be totally confused.
1. He genuinely thinks he’s a bad influence
Sometimes a man may think that their ways might not be the best influence on the other person. It might not always be just about the influence that he may have on you. It could be the way you might be perceived by being associated with him and he doesn’t want you to go through that. Thus saying ‘I’m not good for you’ is a way to push you away.
Some people also feel that their emotional instability or baggage is too much to inflict on other people and are trying to avoid dragging people down into their self-proclaimed ‘messy life’.
Noble as it may seem, it is often a misguided effort to try to curb people by telling them to not get involved, by telling them you’re not good for them. Humans tend to react in the opposite manner, thinking that they can somehow put a broken person back together. But this can help little in building trust in a relationship. A better way of conveying this feeling is by telling the person that you have issues and you are apprehensive about them when getting closer to you. A healthy discussion is better in the matter of hearts than Hollywood one-liners, methinks.
2. He might not want the same things as you do
It takes a man completely secure in his abilities as a person, not influenced by the shackles of toxic masculinity to be able to be with a woman and not play the role of restrictive patriarch. However, sometimes, even if the man is woke and wants the best for you, he may not want the same things out of life. He may not want to hold you back because of this and therefore says that he’s not good for you. Implying that he’s not what you’re looking for and that he can’t be what you need him to be.
3. He might not really feel that he’s good enough for you
The man who said to you that he’s not good for you might have forgotten the word ‘enough’ in that sentence. Often an inferiority complex can drive people to do crazy things and they cannot build the trust in a relationship.
One of the most common ways people deal with it is by developing a fake superiority
However, some people just feel that they are good for nothing and push people away by making such statements. If you think your man is doing this, try to talk to them about their emotions.
Try reassuring them that they are good enough, and if in the end, they can’t come to terms with it and still think they aren’t good for you, then you might just have to move on.
4. He might want to let you down easy
If a guy doesn’t like a girl or isn’t in love with her anymore, if he’s trying to break up because he isn’t into you anymore, then he might use this phrase, so as to soften the blow.
In such a case, a man saying ‘I’m not good for you’ is synonymous with them saying ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ If you think about it, it is actually really sweet, telling a white lie to let you down easy, but the problem with most white lies is that they come to haunt you sometimes.
If in the future, you accidentally find out that the reason actually was you and not him, then the sense of betrayal you will feel will be more intense than before. Thus, lying while breaking up with someone is often a bad idea. In a short-term relationship, where you both are just cutting your losses, saying ‘I’m not good for you’ and moving on, might be considered an act of kindness, but the same logic might not apply to every other situation. But communication in a relationship is very important.
5. He might be confused
Or, he could just be confused. Most people are, when it comes to what they feel and how they should express their feelings. Honesty in a relationship is important but most people can’t be honest to themselves and hence find it hard to build a trust in a relationship.
Maybe, to some, ‘I’m not good for you’ is a term that they heard in some TV show, and it just sounds cool, but they don’t mean anything by it. Understandably, if you think that is incredibly childish, I would have to agree with you.
People tend to be childish sometimes, but the unfortunate reality is, sometimes, people just say things without meaning them, and this might just be a popular phrase that the man uses to appear cool.