We’ve all seen our fair share of commitment-phobes on TV, from Mr. Big in “The Sex in the City” to Chandler Bing in the first few seasons of “Friends.”. If you’re seeing this guy who is giving you all the signals that he’s head-over-heels in love with you but pulls away when things start to get serious, you’re probably dating someone with commitment issues, a.k.a a commitment-phobe.
Many times, when commitment-phobes are in love with you, they’re scared to take it to the next level and friendzone you for life. They lead you on and the moment you feel that you’re falling for them, they back out.
S/he might seem perfect, and it might feel as though nothing could be better. But when they stop replying to your messages because they’re scared of committing, “perfect” is the last word you’d use to describe it. If you love someone with commitment issues, you need to be aware of the following signs so you don’t end up blocking and unblocking them every two weeks.
15 Signs A Commitment-Phobe Loves You
If s/he’s in love with you, s/he’ll show you how important you are to him/her and will make you feel special. You’ll begin to trust this person and see a future with them. That is, of course, until s/he runs the other way because you started getting too close for comfort.
One day they’re head over heels for you, the next they’re trying to ignore your calls and messages. When things are going well, you’re convinced they actually have feelings for you. It’d be too difficult to fake such genuineness, but when they’re avoiding you, all you’re left wondering is what you did wrong. It’s possible you didn’t do anything, and the only thing wrong here is that a commitment-phobe is in love with you.
Loving a commitment-phobic person isn’t an easy task. S/he will keep finding an excuse or a reason to get out of the relationship and it’s not long until this commitment-phobe wants to be just “friends” with you. Trying to figure out what goes on in the head of a commitment-phobe will leave you unable to make sense of anything they say or do. For the sake of your own sanity, try not to figure out what they’re thinking.
For today, let’s just focus on the 15 signs that a commitment-phobe loves you, so you can make a more informed decision on what you want to do next.
1. They’re very unpredictable
You can’t really trust a commitment-phobe, since their actions are so sporadic. They are caught up between their mind and heart. Their mind tells them that it’s a bad idea and relationships aren’t meant for them while the heart tells them that the risk is worth taking.
In the attempt of listening to both sides half-heartedly, they end up acting weird and unpredictable. One day they will act all warm and cozy and the next, they’ll be all cold and distant. “I can’t wait to meet you, I’m going to hug you for so long,” followed by them not even turning up when you were supposed to meet.
A commitment-phobe can actually miss you, but they’ll convince themselves that they shouldn’t feel that way. You will largely have an on-and-off relationship with them, much like your relationship with the diets you keep promising you’ll stick to.
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2. All they care about is the thrill of the chase
Commitment-phobes love the thrill of the chase. However, when they realize that it could turn into something serious, they run away. They prefer the fantasy of being with someone rather than actually being with someone.
There’s no denying that getting to know a person and trying to figure out how well you two will get along is the most exciting part of the budding romance. Will they reject your advances? Will your flirty texts be reciprocated? Should you hit send on that risky message? The thrill is often so enticing that even people with commitment issues succumb to it.
If your guy or girl has been giving you mixed signals so far and has suddenly stopped after you’ve confessed that you like them back, you’ve probably scared the commitment-phobe away.
3. They avoid conversations related to you both
They may show you that they’re in love with you but don’t want to talk about it. Whenever they sense that you’ll ask them about where it’s leading to or bring in the “us” factor, they’ll change the topic. One of the biggest signs a commitment-phobe loves you is even when they’re telling you they can’t get enough of you, a question like “What are we?” can send them into a period of hibernation.
S/he prefers avoiding any relationship-related question that you ask rather than dealing with the commitment phobia. When you’re dating someone with commitment issues, you can expect things to remain largely label-less for the majority of it.
4. They avoid getting too attached to you
People with commitment phobia prefer to be loners. They hate getting too attached to someone. Imagine you both hanging out at your apartment and having a few drinks. You may even start having heart-to-heart conversations and begin opening up to each other.
The moment s/he realizes that you both are getting into an intimate moment, s/he will make some excuse to leave. When a commitment-phobe is in love, they’re usually in conflict with themselves. They want to get to know you better but tend to avoid getting attached as well.
5. They aren’t looking for anything long-term
When a commitment-phobe is in love with you, they’ll try to make sure that it doesn’t go long-term. Commitment-phobes are scared of the responsibilities of a relationship and prefer to stay away from it.
In an attempt to get the best of both worlds, they prefer keeping it casual and breezy. If a commitment-phobe loves you, you can expect them to get jittery if you talk about exclusivity. Don’t let that confuse you because that’s an absolute sign you are dating a commitment-phobe.
6. You feel drawn toward them
Something within tells you that they are bad news. Somewhere deep down, you know that this person is going to break your heart, but you are still somewhat drawn toward them. It’s like s/he is the forbidden fruit and you can’t help but take a taste of it. You know that even though this person has feelings for you, they won’t be able to commit, but you try to ignore the fact.
You know it’s bad for you but you just can’t help indulging, like pressing down on a bruise. If a commitment-phobe loves you, you probably already know what you’re up against but still, find it hard to stop.
Related Reading: 15 signs he will break your heart
7. They always say goodbye first
As said earlier, commitment-phobes prefer not to get too attached to people. If a conversation gets too long, they’ll try to end it as soon as possible. No matter how hard you try to prolong the conversations, they will wriggle out of them on some pretext or the other. Even when you both go out on dates, they might try to get it over with quickly.
Commitment-phobe excuses sound a little like “I’ve got work to do, I’ll talk to you later” or “I can’t talk right now, I’m busy with a few things”. Notice the vagueness, it’ll usually be a constant in all their excuses.
8. They’re very secretive
They won’t tell you much about their life. This is because they don’t want you to know about the things that make them vulnerable. They prefer to keep things to themselves instead of letting you see through them. Since this person probably has considerable trust issues, you might even end up getting dumped by a commitment-phobe if you try too hard to break their shell.
When a commitment-phobe is in love with you, they’ll try their best to keep their feelings a secret. They’ll look at you lovingly and give you the romantic vibes, but will never confess.
9. They like you but they like their space more
The minute someone with commitment issues is asked to spend time with you and not do what they’d usually do with their own time, they’re probably freaking out inside, thinking they’re not trapped. One of the signs a commitment-phobe loves you is when they’re showering you with love when you’re both together, but can not ever give you a text back when they disappear for their “alone time,” which is usually 70% of the entire day.
Commitment-phobes love their freedom and hate it when someone else invades their personal space. Do commitment-phobes miss you? They do, but they would never admit it and give you that special position in their life.
10. They give mixed signals
When a commitment-phobe is in love with you, you can bet your top dollar all you’re getting for Christmas is a bunch of mixed signals. On one hand, you’ll see them trying to be romantic with you, and the next moment they’ll start making excuses to avoid you.
Commitment-phobes are notorious for giving mixed signals. This is because they themselves are confused about what to do. Imagine him making promises to you but then avoiding you as if you’re a stranger. This is how dating a commitment-phobe feels like.
11. They might end up talking too fast
This person loves you but you feel like they’re rushing into things without building a foundation or connecting with you emotionally. Commitment-phobes aren’t interested in long-term relationships, and hence don’t like spending a lot of time wooing someone. If you’re not interested, they move on to someone else.
Once a commitment-phobe knows that you’re interested in him/her, they will not waste any time in asking you out and begin dating you. The downside is that it will end as swiftly as it began, once they realize they’re getting too close to dangerous territory. If you’re dating someone with commitment issues, expect them to try and rush into things, only to completely pull away at least for a couple of days.
12. They don’t express their feelings
This person will give you all the signals that they are in love with you. They will make you feel special and you’ll slowly start building your expectations. You’ll keep waiting for them to confess their feelings but they probably won’t. This is because commitment-phobes aren’t good at expressing their feelings. They prefer to speak through actions rather than actually saying how they feel.
When you hear them go silent on a phone conversation, it’s a great indicator that they’re probably trying to end the conversation, especially if it’s one that’s been going on for a while.
13. They avoid PDA
Commitment-phobes prefer showing love in a closed room rather than on the streets where anyone could see them. This is because they hate PDA. Being in love with someone is already against their rules, let alone showing PDA. Even a slight meeting of hands will make them all awkward.
For some reason, they think PDA will make it more official, lest the world see they’re actually in a relationship. If a commitment-phobe loves you, expect them to be the cutest person on earth within the four walls of your house. Outside, they’re more like that awkward friend you have.
14. They get all awkward
When it comes to opening up and talking about their feelings, they will become all awkward. They’ll act like Chandler Bing trying to avoid his feelings with a joke or sarcasm. You know that they love you because you can feel it, but this awkwardness will make you all confused.
If you think you haven’t noticed this in your commitment-phobe partner, go ahead and ask them about the future. Watch the life drain from the eyes as the words “What are we” fall upon their ears.
Related Reading: Relationship Advice: Is She Not Ready for a Commitment?
15. They’re afraid to take it to the next level
If you know that this guy/girl is in love with you and is not confessing, it is because they are afraid to do so. Confessing their feelings will take them to the next level, and they are afraid to do so. It is because they don’t trust themselves to be the kind of a person who goes into a serious relationship. They will lead you on, but when the time comes, they will run away instead of confronting their feelings.
The question here is whether you love this commitment-phobe enough to take the risk. If you think that they’re worth it, go for it. Try to identify and understand the reasons why they’re a commitment-phobe and gain their confidence when it comes to commitment. Make them feel that you are committed to them. By assuring them that commitments aren’t that big a deal, you can eliminate the commitment-phobe from their mind. You never know, you might end up like Chandler and Monica.
A commitment-phobe is a person who has a fear of giving commitment to his/her love life. Changing relationship status from ‘Single’ to ‘In a relationship’, letting their parents know about their significant other or the biggest of all fears, getting married, scares them out of their wits and they end up breaking off the relationship. The reasons for being a commitment-phobe vary from individual to individual, it could have something to do with past experiences, personality, and/or expectations.
Yes, a commitment-phobe can be madly in love but as soon as the person they are in love with asks for some kind of commitment, they start to feel stuck.
You will know a commitment-phobe is in love with you because they will give you mixed signals, will be warm but will avoid getting too attached, and will always hint that they need their space.
Yes, they do change. When they make a conscious effort to overcome the fear of commitment, they can attempt to let go of their fear of commitment. It usually takes a lot of reassurance, a willingness to change, and the right circumstances.