“He can’t value you more than you value yourself,” said celebrated feminist author Toni Morrison while speaking of relationships and how women submit to men. And she wasn’t wrong. Far too often, you see signs your husband doesn’t value you, and yet, you stick to the relationship, thinking he will change. You wonder, “Does my husband respect me?” or find yourself telling your friends, “My husband doesn’t stand up for me.” But you can’t address the situation or do anything to resolve it. You live a mundane existence, unvalued and uncared for.
Well, guess what, sister, you can’t sit and wait for him to show you love or value you. Neither can you ignore the signs that he doesn’t. So, through this article, we’ll let you know what to do when your husband doesn’t value you anymore. Read on!
How Do You Know Your Husband Doesn’t Value You? 21 Heartbreaking Signs
When you see signs of ignorance and disrespect in a relationship, you shouldn’t wait and watch. One would think, with the emergence of the new wave of feminism and gender equality, and with more women entering the workforce every year, women and their life decisions would be valued by men. However, according to a study, husbands play an important role in high-achieving women leaving jobs to take care of their kids. Interestingly, you might be complaining that your husband prioritizes work over family!
And it’s not just about careers. Women are often neglected and taken for granted in relationships. They are often found telling themselves, “My husband doesn’t appreciate me” or “My husband never does anything special for me.” Does that sound familiar? Well, if your answer is a ‘yes’, it’s time to take a good look at the situation and ascertain if you’re being valued in a relationship. So, girl, here are 21 signs your husband doesn’t value you and you need to do something about it:
1. He doesn’t express love
One of the signs your husband doesn’t value you is that he will show you little or no affection. Affection could be physical or verbal, but in such cases, there will be none. So, you know you’re not valued, if:
- He doesn’t say sweet nothings such as “I love you” and there’s no emotional intimacy
- He avoids romantic gestures such as holding hands or caressing you
- Physical intimacy is long gone and your sex life is now a chore
2. You aren’t part of decision-making
A sign of a healthy marriage is when both the partners are equally involved in the major decisions. So, if you aren’t valued by your husband, he will conveniently forget to include you in decision-making regarding important matters, such as:
- Budgeting decisions, such as how much should be allotted for household expenses, entertainment, and others
- Which schools your kids will attend
- Whether you should hire a housekeeper
Related Reading: 23 Signs Of Emotional Invalidation In A Relationship
3. Your schedule isn’t important
How do you know your husband doesn’t value you? When you find him making plans without considering your work schedule or convenience or when he forgets important dates. Here are few instances of such cases:
- He plans vacations keeping in mind his work schedule but forgets yours
- He plans a work trip, forgetting about your anniversary
4. He humiliates you in public
Women are often found complaining, “My husband degrades me.” What’s worse is when your husband humiliates or belittles you in front of friends and family, or joins them in insulting you. This destroys a woman’s self-esteem. And you’re left wondering, “Does my husband respect me?” or keep telling yourself, “My husband doesn’t stand up for me.” Here are a few instances:
- He trash-talks about you with his friends
- He says hurtful things and makes demeaning comments about your family in front of his parents or relatives
- He bad mouths you in front of your kids
- He often mocks your sense of style or belittles your profession
- He joins others in making you the butt of jokes
Of course, infidelity in a marriage has its layers and can be caused due to multiple reasons, such as incompatibility and others. However, if you feel you’re doing enough for him and he’s still more interested in flirting around with women or having affairs, it’s a lost case. Here are a few signs that he’s playing around and not valuing you:
- He keeps texting other women for casual banter, ignoring an important conversation with you
- He flirts around with your friends even in your presence
- He goes out for casual date nights with his female coworkers, giving you some constant excuse, while you feel lonely
Related Reading: When Is Texting Cheating? 11 Different Scenarios And How To Deal
6. He guilt-trips you
You have an uncaring husband if he starts guilt-tripping you for minor reasons. In fact, guilt-tripping, or making you feel guilty for having a life of your own is one of the major signs he doesn’t value you. So, here are a few instances:
- He makes you feel guilty for spending long hours at work, saying, “At least one of us has to be home early to take care of the kids.”
- He guilt-trips you for spending your weekends at art class and not cooking on those days
7. You’re walking on eggshells
When you’re always scared that anything you say or do might make him react negatively or throw a fit, girl, you can be sure you’re walking on eggshells and have an unappreciative husband. You can’t tell him you don’t wish to attend a family function or that you want to try a new dish at a restaurant. Everything has to happen according to his whims.
8. He tries to change you
When your husband doesn’t value you, he tries to turn you into another person. And you keep wondering, “I don’t think my husband likes me.” In such cases, he might:
- Constantly compare you with someone else, saying you’re too fat or too thin, or that you should change your style of dressing
- Ask you to be like someone else, such as a coworker or a friend of his. So, he could be saying something like “Look at her! She has a 9-5 job and still manages to get back home and cook for her family!”
Related Reading: Comparison Trap – What It Is And How To Get Out
9. He has no time for you
So, he’s always busy at work or is too tired when he comes back home and goes straight to bed. You’re often found telling your friends, “My husband never tells me when he will be home.” There’s no fun, no banter, and you don’t remember the last time you spent quality time or went out on a dinner date. When your spouse doesn’t want to do anything with you, he simply doesn’t value you.
10. He doesn’t know what’s going on in your life
So, you got a promotion at work, or you just won a writing scholarship or an all-expenses paid trip to Hawaii! But your husband has no clue. In fact, he doesn’t even ask you about your plans these days. There is no curiosity regarding the events in your life.
And it gets worse when you share what’s going on in your life excitedly. He just responds with a casual “Oh! I see” or moves out of the room with his laptop. We have bad news: your husband doesn’t value you.
11. He disrespects your boundaries
Picture this: you’ve told your husband that you aren’t comfortable with a particular friend of his because he irritates you with misogynistic songs or jokes. But your husband pays no heed to your concerns and continues to invite him to your house parties. This is a glaring sign that he is disrespecting your boundaries and doesn’t value you.
Related Reading: 19 Examples Of Healthy Boundaries In Relationships
12. He’s absent when you need him
Yes, we all have lives, but when someone sees their spouse struggling and still goes on with their lives with a shrug, you know they don’t value you. A healthy marriage is all about being there for each other, not just in really dark times but also in our day-to-day lives. And if you have an absent husband, he doesn’t value you. Here are a few such instances:
- You really needed him by your side when your mother was hospitalized, but he was busy with work
- You wanted him to help you with your kids’ homework, but he would rather spend the evening watching cricket
- You’re the only one attending the parent-teacher meets at your kid’s school, even when it’s something serious
13. He doesn’t prioritize your well-being
It’s often clear if someone values you or not when they don’t care about your convenience. Here are some signs your husband doesn’t value you:
- You’ve told him you can’t bear to be a passive smoker and asked him to quit smoking. But he continues to ignore your concerns
- You’ve asked him to look for an apartment that’s closer to your workplace. But he ignores you and you keep wondering, “My husband thinks his job is more important than mine.”
Related Reading: Top 15 Signs Of A Selfish Husband And Why Is He Like That?
14. You pay for yourself, always
Yes, women these days are happy to pay their bills. In fact, they like paying on a date or sharing household expenses. But in any healthy relationship, gestures such as buying little gifts of love or surprising your spouse with cute dinner dates are special. But if you find yourself paying for all your needs and the bill-sharing seems like a mandatory chore after every dinner date, you’ve got to re-think your relationship. If you’re often found telling your friends, “My husband never does anything special for me,” it’s one of the signs of not being valued in a relationship.
15. You’re being stonewalled
Stonewalling is a manipulator’s silent treatment to ignore your needs. So, when your husband ignores your feelings whenever his needs aren’t being met, you can be sure he isn’t valuing you enough. Ask yourself if you’re being stonewalled:
- Does he leave the room in the middle of arguments and slam the door, instead of resolving the issue at hand?
- Does he make passive remarks such as “Oh! Thanks for telling me that,” when you confront him about something you don’t like about him?
- Does he dismiss your concerns with something like “You’re just overreacting”?
Related Reading: 15 Signs Of Emotional Neglect In A Marriage
16. He doesn’t support your dreams
So, you want to finish that degree that you left incomplete after you had your kids? Or you wish to get back to being the dedicated teacher that you were before you quit the job for your kids? Do you dream of saving up and traveling the world someday?
But your dreams and your goals are insignificant to your husband. He keeps telling you about how you may need to change cities if he gets another promotion. That, my dear friend, is a huge sign that he doesn’t value you.
17. He prioritizes other aspects of life
So, you keep telling yourself, “My husband doesn’t prioritize me.” It’s all about his parents, his friends, his career, and his aspirations. He would rather take his boss’s call late at night than listen to how your day went. When your spouse doesn’t put you first ever, he clearly doesn’t value you.
Related Reading: 12 Things To Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You
18. He only talks to you when he needs something
So, he’s told you he can’t get out of bed on Sundays without his coffee and scrambled eggs. He needs you to keep his shirt pressed and his socks ready before he heads out to work. His boss is coming over to dinner this Friday and he wants you to cook grilled chicken. The worst part is, he talks to you but only when he needs you to do something for him. This is one of the glaring signs your husband doesn’t care about you.
19. He doesn’t empathize
None of your feelings are valid for him and he never sees things from your point of view. So, you are complaining too much if you ask him to fix the AC by this week. You are being too finicky if you ask the kids to take a shower after they get back from football practice. You keep telling yourself, “My husband doesn’t care about me.”
Being empathetic in relationships is a must. But according to a study, most people choose not to empathize because it requires a lot of effort. And if he chooses not to show any empathy, it simply means he doesn’t value you enough to invest his emotions in you.
20. He gaslights you
Gaslighting is when a person makes you doubt your sanity by blaming you for reacting to things they’ve said or done. And you’re left wondering, “My husband doesn’t believe anything I say.”
For instance, he may have forgotten to tell you a parcel was supposed to arrive. You were at the salon when the courier guy came, and the parcel couldn’t be delivered. Your husband comes home late at night and blames you for ‘forgetting’ about the parcel.
Related Reading: 15 Signs Your Spouse Takes You For Granted
21. He doesn’t acknowledge your efforts
A friend of mine, Amy, once told me her husband would occasionally post notes all over their house, like on the fridge door or on the mirror, thanking her for little things, such as cooking a great dinner. Now, not everyone is this romantic. But, hey, if you often find yourself telling your friends, “My husband doesn’t appreciate me,” he may not value you enough.
What To Do When Your Husband Doesn’t Value You – 7 Ways To Deal
So, what should you do when your husband doesn’t respect you? Quora user Claire White believes, if you see signs he treats you badly, look at the part that you’re playing in devaluing yourself too. She claims all damaged relationships have “an element of co-creation.” This isn’t about victim blaming but about making women realize that they shouldn’t tolerate abuse or disrespect. So, we’ll answer your burning question, “How to treat a man who doesn’t value you?” Here’s what to do when your husband takes you for granted:
1. Say ‘No’ often
You must realize your self-worth and create healthy boundaries. He asks you to skip an important meeting because his friends are dropping by? Don’t. He wants you to quit your guitar class so that you can spend more time taking care of your kids? Don’t. Say ‘No’ often and without guilt .
2. Be financially independent
Money matters, and when you have a job or even a passive source of income, like a YouTube channel, it gives you a psychological edge. It boosts your self-esteem and makes you value yourself. Once you stop depending on him for little things that money can buy, you won’t care when your husband doesn’t provide you luxuries. So, being financially independent as a married woman is crucial to increase your value in a marriage.
3. Create a network of support
Don’t cut off your friends and family. Spend time with them, open up to them for emotional support, and take their help to communicate with your husband. There are times when a third perspective makes a lot of difference.
Have an open conversation with him about what makes you feel valued, weigh in both sides, and decide if the marriage is worth fighting for. Don’t argue or try to get an emotional reaction from him, as that might make matters worse. Instead, stay calm and discuss the way forward.
Related Reading: How To Fix Lack Of Communication In A Relationship – 15 Expert Tips
5. Take a break
Distance makes the heart grow fonder. So, when your spouse doesn’t want to do anything with you, take a break from him. Go on a solo trip for a week or spend time with your parents. Don’t stop talking altogether. Show him what it’s like to not have you around.
6. Don’t sacrifice your individuality
Go, work for that promotion, read a book, join a hobby class, spend quality time with friends, indulge in self-love – do what it takes to make yourself feel good. Be yourself. Adjustments in a marriage or a relationship shouldn’t be made solely from your end.
Related Reading: 23 Signs Of Emotional Invalidation In A Relationship
7. Seek professional help
If you find your husband turning physically or verbally abusive, speak to a lawyer. After all, an unhappy divorce is better than an unhappy marriage. If you feel it’s affecting your mental health, go for relationship counseling. Remember, there’s no alternative to professional advice when his behavior affects you severely.
- Women often stay in failing marriages where they feel unheard or unseen by their husbands. But it’s important to recognize signs your husband doesn’t value you
- There can be multiple signs that your husband doesn’t care about you. For instance, he may not show any affection, may guilt-trip you, may not include you in decision-making, may gaslight you, may not care about your well-being, or may humiliate you in public
- You can address these issues by saying ‘No’ often, being financially independent, communicating, taking a break from the relationship, indulging in self-care, or by consulting experts
We hope this article helped you in spotting the signs your husband doesn’t value you and that you’re still not looking for an answer to what to do when your spouse doesn’t put you first. Hope you now know what to do when your husband takes you for granted and we’re sure you’ll fight back! Remember, it’s important not to forget your self-esteem in a relationship and to show him that you matter. Most importantly, don’t forget being you.