Being unfaithful to your partner or spouse can leave an indelible mark on them for years to come. It may be so profound that they might not even be able to express it all. In a husband-wife relationship, it can topple the whole marital system and the emotional well being of both partners. An unfaithful husband can give a wife unbearable mental trauma.
Watching couples have to stay apart owing to one partner being unfaithful, is not uncommon these days. More and more people are realizing the actual struggles of commitment in a marriage and are seeking happiness by other means. But this has an impact beyond measure. Read below about Vandana’s experience and her unfaithful husband.
We Had It All And Then He Became Unfaithful
I am Vandana. Now in my 40s, I have a “husband” and two children. We have a beautiful life – a nice house, lovely children, promising careers and a great circle of friends. All is great, except one little thing – the love has gone out of our spousal relationship.
It is difficult to say how Anand, my husband, strayed. Ours was a love match; both of us loved each other to bits before we took the plunge and got married. He had always been an ideal husband – indulging every whim of mine, pleasing all the people who mattered, extremely social and a very desirable son-in-law.
But some time after our second child, he began losing interest, in me, in our relationship and the inevitable happened soon – he began an extramarital affair.
Things dragged on year after year as he moved from one fling to the next, and I clung on, hoping for the day he’d return.
I waited for my unfaithful husband to come back to me. Even though he left me broken, I kept believing that he would be back. That day has so far not come, and I am tired of holding on, waiting eternally and hopelessly.
I’d always got on well with his family
Since the beginning of our marriage, I have had very cordial relations with all his family – so far as to even include distant uncles, aunts and cousins. My understanding with my mother-in-law was very sound; we had a warm relationship.
When the truth came out about my cheating husband, they stood behind me staunchly, and assured me of all support that I needed. It was official, that our marriage was on the rocks. His parents stood by me and I was thankful to them.
While that was certainly a relief, nobody except the spouse truly understands what one goes through when the other cheats on her/him.
There have been times when, despite having everyone on my side, I have found myself desperately lonely; no one could truly know my pain. They knew my cheating husband was wrong but that did not take my pain away.
That is the nature of pain, isn’t it? Nobody except the sufferer truly knows the feeling. So this pain has become my barrier. It is insurmountable and my heart is being crushed under its weight. This one battle is so demanding and exhausting that I have become almost warrior like; all feelings in me are dead. My husband is a serial cheater and I have come to terms with that.
This was more than mere relationship issues. This tore me apart completely. And so are also dead the feelings of love I harbored for Anand’s family. Duty and obligation have replaced love and affection.
I no longer care – not for Anand, not for his parents, nor for his extended family. And this feeling of apathy is becoming more and more apparent with time. I cannot help it and I have stopped trying to hide or conceal it.
His unfaithful acts have made me bitter for good. It affects the manner in which I speak to these people, the way I listen (or not) and in my responses to familial obligations.
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They do support me, but it isn’t enough
It is not that the immediate family does not understand; they do. In her feelings of empathy for my condition, my mother-in-law has often ignored my callousness, rudeness and harshness to still reassure me. Like I have lost my husband, she has lost her son; and we share the grief of this loss.
But we have been parted; it is as though an invisible barrier separates us. My relationship with her is not the same anymore and I feel resentment towards Anand for that. Our broken marriage has ruined my other relationships. Her pain no longer bothers me; I have too much of my own.
In my bitterness, I hold them responsible somehow, for deficient upbringing that shaped him to become what he has. I do not know how justified I am in doing that.
So for a while now, I am far from enthusiastic about family dinners, get-togethers, celebrations and so on. I no longer find it my duty to step in for him for social obligations. If an uncle is unwell, I really do not feel like calling on him on Anand’s behalf; if he does not bother about his own uncle, do I need to? Why do I need to attend family get-togethers without my unfaithful husband, and always make excuses for his absence? I am tired of playing this game. So I prefer to skip such events altogether.
He does not fulfill any obligations
Are my actions and feelings justified? Am I being mean-minded by not fulfilling the duties of a good daughter-in-law? I do not know, maybe I do not care to know. I am too hurt to worry about those around me. I cannot bring myself to change, to care at this moment.
Feeling lonely in marriage is no wife’s dream but Anand has left me to fend for myself.
But one thing does soothe me – I am sure such considerations do not dog Anand, when it comes to my relatives. He does not discharge any moral obligations towards my family, nor was he ever expected to.
That is the glaring discrimination that really angers me – being constantly judged for every action as a daughter-in-law, while he is spared the exacting glances, words and opinions. It’s as if it’s a man’s right to cheat and a woman has to bear with it.
It is unfair really that he gets to commit heinous acts on me and my heart and do nothing to repair them. His parents, our friends, family members have told him, but he never told them why he chooses this life and why he continues philandering like this.
My destiny with my unfaithful husband
As I look ahead, the only hope I see for our relationship is the children growing up, moving out and becoming self-supporting. My role as a mother right now is far more important than my pain. My children need me more than I need a man’s love so I have to sacrifice some parts of my happiness for them.
I have been told that all marriages have relationship issues and relationship arguments but this is far bigger than that for me. It made me lose confidence and it also made me a bitter person. It changed the internal chemistry of who I was as a person.
Still, I never threw a tantrum or threatened to leave. I am his wife because it is a commitment I want to follow through.
I hope nobody gets a man like Anand – a cheating husband with no speck of remorse or cheating guilt. My sole focus is my children and I am waiting to raise them to be good-hearted human beings, unlike their father. I hope my children can grow up to be successful, respect a husband-wife relationship and do well in the world. After that, my duties as a parent also reduce. Then, maybe, I’ll have a life again!
(As told to Bindiya Kothari)
Do not sit quiet and wallow. You must speak to him and discuss what is the rational way to go about the situation. Ask him if he loves and wants you. You can also try relationship counselling.
That is entirely a personal decision. Some people do not think it is worth leaving a marriage after years of work and some find their best selves after a divorce. Go to therapy and take as long as you need to figure it out.