None of us feels good after fighting with our boyfriends. You end up feeling aggressive enough to punch a wall and find yourself wondering how to calm down after a fight. How do you apologize after a fight? What to do after a fight with your boyfriend?
Ever wondered why we fight with people that are closest to us? It is because with love comes a great number of expectations. Even the smallest negative reaction by your partner can get you hurt. Out of all the people you know, you would never want your partner to be the one to misunderstand and hurt you.
People say that having fights make relationships stronger. But fights also lead us to question a lot of things, especially the relationship in question. With all these emotions and expectations, you both can get into a big fight for even the smallest of things. But you don’t want to stay mad at them forever, so, what to do after a fight with your boyfriend? How do you apologize after a fight?
We bring some insights into how to handle a fight with your boyfriend in consultation with counseling psychologist Kranti Momin (Masters in Psychology), who is an experienced CBT practitioner and specializes in various domains of relationship counseling.
What To Do After A Fight With Your Boyfriend?
After an argument with your boyfriend, you know that it’s time to talk it out but you don’t know whether he has calmed down yet. You don’t know how to talk with your boyfriend after a fight and how long to wait before trying to resolve your issues. And that’s completely normal.
The time people take to calm down after a fight varies from person to person and their temperament, ego, etc. Arguments in a relationship are completely normal and every couple fights over some common issues, but it is what you do after that decides whether your relationship is healthy or toxic.
So, what to do when you and your boyfriend are fighting? Here are a few things to keep in mind:
- Fight respectfully: While it’s completely acceptable to have differences of opinions with your partner and put your foot down for things you strongly believe in, in doing so, you must not deliberately cause hurt to your partner. To be able to fix things with your boyfriend after a fight, you must fight respectfully and never cross the line or say hurtful things just to show him down
- Give each other space: When you fight with your boyfriend, tempers are flaring on both sides and trying to engage in a conversation at that point can make a bad situation worse. After an argument with your boyfriend, take some time to cool yourself down and collect your thoughts. If your boyfriend needs more time to work through his feelings, be patient rather than pressuring him to talk it out before he’s ready
- Address the issue at hand: How to talk with boyfriend after a fight? Make sure you address only the issue at hand, and that too without leveling accusations or blaming your partner for causing a rift. At the same time, it’s important to not bring up past issues into current fights
- Forgive and move on: Once you’ve resolved a fight with your boyfriend, make an earnest effort to forgive, forget and move on. Don’t keep ruminating over the issue even after you’ve worked things out. This will only cause resentment in the relationship, resulting in relationship problems piling up
Now that you have a broad understanding of what to do when you and your boyfriend are fighting, let’s move on to some specific steps you can take to bury the hatchet and patch things up with your SO.
Related Reading: 8 Ways to reconnect after a big fight
10 Things To Do After A Fight With Your Boyfriend
After having fought with your boyfriend, you need to exercise restraint especially when it comes to your thoughts. Though it would be advised to handle the issues with kindness and tenderness, it is easier said than done. Yet, you will need to understand that the issue of conflict here is the problem, not your partner.
Accusing him and playing the blame game won’t take you anywhere. If you’re interested in healing a relationship after a fight, you must be careful about how you address the issue. Here’s what to do after a fight with your boyfriend:
1. Take time to calm down
If you’re wondering how long to wait after an argument before talking to your boyfriend, it is important for you to wait till you calm down. If you are still in the process of cooling down and try talking to him and the conversation does not go as expected, it will prolong the fight.
Anger makes things worse. When tempers are soaring, neither one of you will be in the headspace to think rationally and look at the big picture. When you fight with your boyfriend, know that the process of reconciliation begins with making peace with your own thoughts.
Before talking to him, take some time to understand what about the particular issue upset you. This will make it easier for you to work toward a solution. If necessary, step out for a while, take a walk, practice some deep breathing to calm yourself. This will help you think clearly and not let your anger cloud your judgment.
2. Talk things out
What to do after a fight with your boyfriend? Kranti advises, “Have a healing conversation. What do I mean by a healing conversation? This is a generic term for a conversation that addresses the pain caused by the fight and uses the pain to bring you closer together.
“There is no one-size-fits-all approach to a healing conversation, but there are some principles that you can use to help guide you in coming back together after a fight such as active listening, focusing on making factual statements about the issue, not using blaming language. If the fight is about something bigger like a betrayal, it may require more than one conversation.”
The bottom line is that by improving communication in a relationship, you’d be better equipped to fix things with your boyfriend after a fight. After you both have calmed down, you’ll be ready to have a healing conversation after the fight. When you are both longing to make it up to each other, talk it out. It doesn’t matter who initiates the conversation, what matters is that you both want to make things okay again.
Now that you both are ready to talk, tell him the reason behind the argument with boyfriend and why you reacted the way you did and what hurt you. It is important to understand each other’s perspectives. Communication is the key to healing a relationship after a fight.
3. Find the trigger
It might be the third or fourth time you and your boyfriend have fought over the same matter. It is important to find the trigger that starts the fight. If the fight is about something he said that hurt you, it is important to know what exactly is bothering you.
It could even be something associated with your past or deeply buried feelings that come to life when your boyfriend says something. Find the trigger and make sure that it is dealt with so that it doesn’t cause the same fight again.
Kranti says, “Ignoring what started a relationship fight or pretending it never happened isn’t a wise idea. Sweeping your issues under the rug means assuming your partner is satisfied with the outcome, which may not be the case. That’s why you need to make a clear effort to fix things with your boyfriend after a fight and reconnect.
“Sharing what you have learned after a fight can help repair the damage. The important things you ignore are the ones that manifest into larger issues.” The bottom line is that after a fight with your boyfriend, your focus should not just be on making things right but also on getting to the root of the problem and weeding it out.
Related Reading: 6 Reasons a Guy Ignores You after a Fight and 5 Things You Can Do
4. Don’t let your ego come in the way
People tend to fight because they think that they are not heard even though they are right. At times, our egos come in our way and we expect our partner to be the one to say sorry and accept his mistake. Your boyfriend too may be expecting the same thing. As a result, both partners remain stubborn and no one makes amends. This can lead to an impasse.
Looking at the argument with your boyfriend from your perspective alone is one of the seemingly harmless mistakes in the relationship that can have serious consequences. When you’re deciding how to talk with boyfriend after a fight, remember to keep your ego out of the way.
When you fight with your boyfriend, there is a good chance that you both had a role to play in it. So, it doesn’t matter who was more at fault. What matters is how much your partner means to you. If you feel that you are right, talk to your partner and make him understand why, instead of telling him to ask for forgiveness.
5. Block all negative thoughts
At times, we feel so angry that all kinds of negative thoughts come to our minds with respect to our partner and our relationship. We sometimes feel like just screaming it all out and getting done with our relationship. However, more often than not, that is your anger talking.
All those negative emotions you’re feeling toward your partner are just a product of your anger and will go away once you cool down. So, don’t let these drive your actions. “I had a fight with my boyfriend and said some nasty things in the heat of the moment, and now, he won’t talk to me,” a reader wrote to our counselors, asking advice on fighting with boyfriend the right way.
Doing or saying things in the spur of the moment that you’d regret later is not uncommon when girlfriends fight with boyfriends or vice versa. That’s why you must make a conscious effort to avoid those negative thoughts and think about making amends instead. Negative thoughts will just destroy your relationship and make you regret your actions later.
6. Listen to your heart
Your heart will always lead you toward your partner. No matter how bad the fight is, your heart will want you to get back to your partner and talk. No matter how practical a person you are, when it comes to a relationship, it is all about your heart.
Listen to what your heart is telling you and you both will find your way to each other. Questions like how to talk with boyfriend after a fight will not hold you back when you let your instinct drive your actions. Just follow your heart, and all the chips will fall in place.
However, if your heart tells you otherwise, maybe it’s time to let go. It may be one of the signs you’re in an unhealthy relationship. Your gut instinct or intuition will sound the alarm bells if something is amiss in your relationship. You’ll know it deep in your heart even if you’re in the denial phase. In such cases, a breakup is what to do after a fight with your boyfriend.
Related reading: 13 signs he disrespects you and does not deserve you
7. Listen to what your partner has to say
Every story has two sides but we feel that only our version is the one that is right. Especially after a fight with your boyfriend, you may be tempted to believe that you were right, your issues are totally justified. There are times when you both could be wrong. It is thus important for you to listen to what your partner has to say.
It could be that you misunderstood his words when he actually meant something totally different. He might be as hurt as you are but you won’t know about it unless you talk to him. Listen to your partner and understand his perspective as well. It will help you both solve the issue faster and get back to being love birds again.
Kranti says, “Conflict communication with couples is often the big problem. Partners aren’t really listening to each other. When one person is speaking, the other is waiting for their turn to speak. And so you have two monologues going on instead of dialogue. If you’re trying to figure out how to talk with boyfriend after a fight, try this approach:
“Speaker: Focus on what you perceived and felt during the argument. Avoid criticizing or blaming the listener.
“Listener: Focus on how the speaker experienced the argument, not how you think they should have experienced it. Really try to understand things from their perspective and validate them. Say things like: ‘When I see this from your perspective, it makes sense that you felt that way’.”
8. Give in
Sometimes, the best thing to do is to give in and say sorry to your boyfriend. Remember, it’s okay to apologize. Though fights make us realize how much our partner means to us and how we cannot live without them, they also build a small rift between you and your partner.
This rift can keep on increasing with every fight. Being the first one to give in shows your boyfriend that you care more about the relationship than a small fight. How do you apologize after a fight? Easy, just speak from your heart and tell them how you feel. Say sorry for the way you reacted. At times, situations can be handled by just talking it out but we choose to fight instead.
Kranti advises, “Most importantly, don’t let too much time pass before you resolve the issue, and don’t bring up the argument in the future.” If you spend too long trying to figure out how to fix things with your boyfriend after a fight, it may get harder to break the ice. Likewise, if you keep bringing up old issues in every argument with your boyfriend, problems can become chronic.
9. Make new rules
Now that you both know the triggers to your fights and are willing to sort things out, make new rules that you both will follow to prevent such fights in the future. It could be something like not talking about the topic, not talking for a maximum of half an hour after the fight, still eating together no matter how bad the fight is, making up before going to sleep, and so on.
“It’s normal to want validation for how you feel from friends, family, and anyone who will listen. But your fight isn’t for public consumption,” says Kranti. So, perhaps, not airing your dirty laundry in public and dragging friends and family into the fight with your boyfriend could be a rule you could adopt.
Setting new rules and boundaries will help in keeping the relationship healthy and you know exactly what to expect from your partner in such situations.
10. Hug it out
At times, you can’t figure out the right words to say to your boyfriend to make amends. In such a situation, the best thing to do is to hug it out. Once you hug your partner, the anger will just meltdown and your partner will realize how much he missed you.
Hugging it out works like a miracle, no matter how big a fight you both had. Don’t forget to talk about the issue after this, so that next time you do not have to fight with your boyfriend again over the same thing. It is still important for solving the issue otherwise it can lead to more fights in the future.
The above tips will help in healing relationships after a fight with your boyfriend and teach you what to do after a fight with your boyfriend. Healing your relationship after a fight will help in making your foundation stronger and prevent any feelings of resentment from coming in the way of your relationship.
In a fight, the key is to put your partner above the fight because thinking about your feelings just means that you are giving more importance to yourself rather than your relationship. Always make amends and learn to forgive and your relationship will go a long way.