Do you ever feel like you have lost your freedom after entering a relationship? Things don’t happen your way anymore, you make sure to keep her happy and in return, you feel miserable. Well, there are chances that the woman you are madly in love with is actually controlling every aspect of your life. She probably knows it and is perhaps, doing it deliberately and yet, you are here, confused about what to do about it. That’s why you need to know the signs of a controlling woman and decide how to go about the relationship.
First, it is important to identify whether she is actually a controlling person or is just trying to be caring. The aspect of control is generally rooted in a person’s childhood, according to a study.
The main reason for controlling other people is to protect oneself from helplessness and feeling insignificant. A control freak can wreck havoc on just their partners’ life but also their own.
Talking about the early signs of a control freak Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist, Niki Benjamin says, “Although all relationships require effort, patience and collaboration(especially during the initial stages), there are some behaviours that could indicate that you are in a relationship with what is commonly referred to as a ‘control freak’ or someone who is obsessive about controlling everything around them with no sense of boundaries or autonomy that the other person possesses.
“Controlling behaviour would include the following:
- Outbursts of anger when things are not done exactly the way the person expects or wants
- Firm unwillingness to consider or accommodate other viewpoints
- A compelling need to monitor or supervise their partner’s way of doing things under the pretext of ‘I have a better way’ or ‘I don’t think you should do it this way’
- Being passive aggressive/giving the silent treatment/sulking if you disagree with them or until you agree with them.”
13 Signs Of A Controlling Woman To Watch Out For
The effects of a controlling woman can wreak havoc in your life. By the time you realise the subtle signs of control in your relationship, you are caught in the web created by your controlling girlfriend or by the controlling woman who rules your life.
But you don’t have to think too hard on this one. To understand if she is really a controlling woman you have to see if her temperament is matching these 13 signs. If these are, then you know you are in a relationship with a controlling woman and here’s our word of advice to deal with her.
1. She will always want things her way
If you are looking at the signs of a controlling girlfriend, this is definitely the first one. She will want things to go her way. God forbid if that doesn’t happen she will burst into a fit of rage. Have you ever had to change plans because she didn’t find them convenient?
Then you know what we are talking about. She is dominating and that too, to an extent that if things don’t go as she stated, she won’t talk to you for two days.
She would bring it up again and again how you hurt her and that she is a well-wisher. She will remain angry at you because you didn’t listen to her and she will start giving you the silent treatment. If genuinely apologising doesn’t work at all, and you can relate to this, your lady love is surely running the show.
2. She is disappointed with something or the other
Either it’s the shirt you are wearing, or the shoes, she didn’t like them so she’s disappointed with you. If not you, she is disappointed by something in her life – it could be her parents, siblings, your parents, or anyone.
It is very hard to please this woman. Something or the other is going to spoil her mood and you’ll be left thinking what went wrong. These are subtle signs of a controlling woman that you will understand over time.
All of it drains out so much of your energy in order to build this relationship that at the end of the day, you feel sceptical about your decision to enter this relationship in the first place.
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3. She bitches a lot about people who are unlike her
This is a peculiar sign of a controlling women. They are so self-obsessed that they cannot see good in others. You will find her bitching about every other person on the planet because that person functions differently than her.
She knows she doesn’t have the power to change people and make them like her, so she badmouths them. Also, if your girlfriend or wife is a controlling woman, you’ll often see her with very few or no real friends.
This is one of those things that utterly annoy men, but women do it anyway.
Even if she has a huge social circle, she would never be happy because she does not consider any of them as her friends.
4. She wants you to be available for her ALL the time
When a controlling woman is in love, she shows clingy girlfriend signs too . For them, you are their own and she will want to keep you by her side ALL the time. I repeat, ALL the time. She will ask you to tag along everywhere and you won’t be in a position to refuse.
She will expect you to answer her every call, respond to each of her texts and she cannot wait for replies. She wants replies immediately.
If you don’t do that then she can call you and go full blast. These are absolutely controlling girlfriend signs that you need to pay heed to.
Give her late replies and you have given her another thing to get disappointed about. The problem with these women is that they want to be your top priority, but when it comes to prioritizing you, they won’t be found anywhere. Controlling women are often selfish in nature.
When you ask her to be there for you, she’ll make time after finishing other important ‘unavoidable’ tasks of her life.
5. She gets embarrassed by you very easily
She would want you to accompany her everywhere she goes because she likes your company, but if your girlfriend or wife is manipulative and controlling, one sign of that would be her constant instructions to behave in a certain way in front of her friends or colleagues.
It’s as if she’s presenting an award and asking that award to look like an award. She is a high-maintenance woman, both emotionally and materialistically.
When you try to be yourself and probably crack a joke which she doesn’t find funny, you’ll be met with big eyes, right there which will shut you up.
The effect of a controlling girlfriend or wife is such that you gradually lose your self-esteem. If this has ever happened to you, try talking to her about it.
Bring up this in your conversations, ask her if she’s actually embarrassed by you and that is why she is so insecure about your persona in front of other people. This is nothing but mental abuse, don’t let your controlling girlfriend do this to you.
6. She won’t let you have your personal space
Another sure shot sign of a controlling woman is that she will kill your personal space. You like to stay up late and hang out with your friends, play some video games but, she doesn’t like that. She neither likes your friends nor the fact that you stay out late with them.
She is going to enforce strict rules on you. You’ll constantly receive assertive messages like, ‘Go home NOW’ And of course, when you try to go against her wishes, the silent treatment begins again.
It is very hard to deal with a controlling girlfriend or wife. Most of the time, she just doesn’t want to understand your side of the story.
She is a didactic person and will never consider your point of view about anything. The only solution is to sit her down and talk to her calmly and tell her how not to be a controlling girlfriend.
If that doesn’t work, hurt her ego for about 5-6 times, until she stops telling you what to do and what not to do. When you don’t listen to her for more than 4 times, she will feel bad and stop saying it until you miss it. That’s your door to freedom.
Related Reading: What Is Stonewalling And How To Deal With It?
7. She wants to know every little detail of your life
When we talk about personal space, phone checking is a common way of invading into your privacy. For her, there is no you and her, there is us but that us is only when it comes to your phone check.
She’ll never say that she doesn’t trust you, she’ll just do it casually to know what you do. She’ll check your history to see what kind of porn do you watch and checking WhatsApp messages is an unsaid rule.
You can’t do anything about it because the minute you ask for your phone or try to snatch it away, you’ll see her face turning red with anger.
What you can do is draw a line, set relationship boundaries. Start asserting that there are things you do not appreciate and phone checking is one of them.
This will make her feel very uncomfortable and fidgety because that is a common behaviour pattern in controlling women but gradually, she’ll get used to it. It might take her a few days or weeks to get out of her habit.
8. She wants to decide every little detail of your life
This includes your expenditure as well. Another sign of a controlling woman is that when she enters your personal zone, she makes sure to enter the deepest zone. The most obvious thing about controlling people is their ability to make decisions for everyone.
If you are in love with a woman with such behaviour traits, she is going to decide everything from what perfume you buy to how much you spend every month. These can start as subtle controlling behaviour and take on a greater dimension later.
Whether you like it or not, she’ll become your financial planner and she’ll have all your bank account passwords. Money issues are known to ruin a relationship, but she wouldn’t care.
If it’s your wife, she has probably made herself a nominee in your bank account. Not just this, she’ll restrict you from spending over things you love, because that is an unnecessary expense.
If you want to deal with such a person, the best way is to start ignoring her orders, if she requests you or talks coolly about financial matters, respect her say and tell her why you want to do something.
She is going to lose her mind if you don’t follow her advice but she will have to learn the hard way that you are not yet ready to be governed financially. Tell her she has to learn how not to be a controlling girlfriend.
9. She is very, very, very short-tempered
So much that you are scared of her. She is not just short-tempered, she gets red in the face, her eyes go from almonds to lemons, her nose and chest puff up and she looks like she wouldn’t waste a minute to kill someone.
At times, it gets scary. You are too afraid to upset her because by now, you know the consequences of her anger. She can shout at the top of her voice to make herself heard. And so, you think its better to keep quiet.
Well, try not to be scared. In most of the cases, controlling women use anger as a weapon to shield their behaviour patterns. It justifies everything for them. Try to stick to your opinion or decision despite her anger. She’ll be hurt but you’ll get your way out.
And if that doesn’t work, probably it’s time to tell her that it’s not working anymore. The more you feel fearful, the more you are letting the effects of a controlling woman govern your life.
Related Reading I can’t control my anger and it causes fights.
These are some of the things a controlling woman does to kill her marriage herself.
10. She genuinely enjoys controlling
Sometimes you feel like co-operating with her because controlling is just a behaviour trait and she is trying to change herself. You feel that you have just noticed the early signs of a controlling woman and when you make your displeasure clear, she will change her ways.
Well, you should know once a person starts getting control of other people’s lives, he/she is unstoppable. They start enjoying the position of power and would not want to give it up. Even if you think she is trying to change, make sure you see the change happening otherwise, it’s a futile activity.
Is she really trying how to not be a controlling girlfriend? If her temper subsides and if she interferes less, then maybe she is trying hard.
11. She could do emotional blackmail
Not all the time she is in her controlling mood. She controls you but half of the time you don’t even realize. That’s when she uses her subtle controlling behaviour.
Sometimes, in the form of puppy eyes, or pleading requests, or tears or anger or worst of all, emotional blackmail. All these are signs of control.
It is really important to know when it is happening and bring it to her notice so that she can stop manipulating you. She probably won’t stop but you would be able to make an informed decision if you want to be with your controlling girlfriend.
12. She puts herself on a higher pedestal
For women who are control-freaks, hierarchy is really important. She has to be better than you in every aspect in order to be considered reliable. She will make you count all her achievements at least once a month in order to boost her ego and position in the relationship.
She will fit the idea of her being better than you in your head so much that you will turn to her for anything. These are absolute signs of a controlling woman that should be a warning to you.
If she is actually better, there is nothing wrong in asking for advice, but if all of this is just a layer of her behaviour, you better part ways with her. In the long run, you will not have pleasant memories with a woman like that.
13. You can never argue with her
What she does when she is angry is use harsh words, cuss words just to belittle you or shut you up. Saying hurtful things comes naturally to her. A person who does that is by any definition, toxic. She is a controlling woman when she even controls your thoughts, your articulation and your emotions.
It is best that you let her be and run as fast as you can because living with a person like that for the rest of your life is going to affect your mental health in unimaginable ways.
The signs of a controlling woman are often very evident but we just tend to overlook them because we are in love. The bitter truth is that a controlling person, man or woman, is not good for anybody’s mental or emotional health.
Today or tomorrow, disparities will surely enter because your level of tolerance will be tested by this person again and again. If you have realized that your girlfriend or wife is controlling, try to talk to her patiently about it, counselling also helps. A counsellor could make her realise how she is making the relationship toxic. If that doesn’t also work you have to scoot.
The main reason for controlling other people is to protect oneself from helplessness and feeling insignificant. Control issues are often embedded in childhood when a person grows up with toxic parents.
Clinical Psychologist, Niki Benjamin says, “You know a person is controlling when they show signs like, outbursts of anger when things are not done exactly their way. Firm unwillingness to consider other viewpoints, a compelling need to monitor their partner’s way of doing things, and being passive aggressive if you disagree with them or until you agree with them.”
In a controlling relationship the partner, who is at the receiving end of controlling behaviour, suffers from anxiety and constant fear of their partner losing their temper. They also develop low self-esteem.
Assert yourself, create healthy boundaries and tell her she can’t breach it. Try to talk to her patiently about it and tell her how it is affecting your mental health. Go for relationship counselling if need be.