It has been the rule of the society that women stay at home and take care of the home and children, while men go out in the world to earn and then have an affair or two. The women looked the other way because of the children and also because divorce did not exist in our society.
Times have changed
Now divorce is not rare but then now wives having affairs is not rare either.
Wives are working in most cases and meeting many like-minded people. Even if she is a homemaker, unlike her mother, a wife can connect to the world and reconnect to an old college sweetheart sitting at home through social media. So the tables have been turned.
Divorce is always an option when there’s an affair. However, in most cases divorce is not desired because of the children but chiefly because of the shared history. You are each other’s habit and who can change old habits?
However, as a husband it will be different to cope with your wife’s affair because of the traditional masculine stereotype, which tells you “you are not man enough to satisfy your woman”. Society sympathises with cheated wives but laughs at cheated husbands.
Steps to trust your wife again
These seven steps will give you a starting point to get over your wife’s affair to some extent and rebuild your relationship.
1. Change your thinking
Traditionally the male is supposed to be the dominant gender, who should not share his domain with another male. So while being emotionally hurt, it is only natural your ego is hurt massively too. Hence, to start work on repairing the relationship, it is always best to put aside thoughts of the traditional male model and society’s views.
2. Be honest with yourself
The next step is to be honest with yourself regarding your feelings and emotions. It is only natural to feel sad and angry. But is the feeling of staying in the relationship more overwhelming than the sadness and anger? Give yourself some time to be sure about your feelings. You can take off on a soul-searching trip alone to understand your emotions.
3. Discover her feelings
Once you decide to forgive and move on, the next step is to find out what is in your wife’s mind. Is she sure the affair is over? Is there any chance of her going back to the other man? Will she be willing to be an equal partner in relationship rebuilding? And most importantly, does she still love you?
4. Was it just sex?
Was it an emotional affair or a purely physical affair? Knowing this is important, because a momentary physical fling is easier to understand than a deep emotional affair. For a physical fling, it is only natural to feel inadequate in the bed. You can talk it out with your wife or opt for therapy too.
5. Analyse the past
An emotional affair conveys a deeper problem in your relationship. Your wife may have been feeling unappreciated and lonely. Both of you together need to analyse the past in constructive ways in terms of growing apart and real communication. There’s the option of couple therapy too.
6. Create new memories
To make the second time around a charm, some people go on a second honeymoon. It creates new memories, which may help in wiping out old hurtful memories. The feelings of the second honeymoon must be sustained by regular meaningful communication, doing a few hobby activities together away from kids and extended family.
7. Leave the past alone
Try to keep the past in the past. Snooping on your wife’s phone activities can be addictive like a drug. So it is better not to start doing that. But at the same time, don’t be blind to the signs around you. If you find something odd, have a mature talk with your wife, without any drama.