Whether you knocked over her favorite vase this time or forgot her parents’ anniversary, are you stuck in a relationship where every conversation turns into an argument like some kind of an endless loop? Because that is scary territory and we cannot help but empathize with you.
The worst thing about this is that it feels like there’s no getting out. Every time you say something to defend yourself, try to placate them or even offer a tissue – they only seem to get more incensed by every single thing that you do. And so you start to think that the problem is with you. Right?
Well, wrong. We won’t deny it, there’s definitely something brewing in your relationship and maybe even making it toxic and uncomfortable. The important thing to remember here is that it may not actually be about you. Dr Ridhi Golechha, a Counseling Psychologist from Nottingham Trent University and a mind-body nutrition expert, has a lot to say about why every conversation turns into an argument and what to do about the same.
Why Do Our Conversations Turn Into Arguments?
Maybe he loved the fiery spirit within you before, but now can’t help but pick a fight over the fact that you always point out the problems with the road signs in your neighborhood. Perhaps she loved it before when you thoughtfully brought Asian takeout home for her after work, but now she’s losing her marbles over the fact that you forgot the wasabi.
Minor triggers are how it starts. That’s how every conversation turns into an argument. You know on the surface, that wasabi or road signs are not major things to be fighting about. There’s something deeper going on here. It could be general lack of affection and intimacy, projection of other problems or some kind of inferiority complex that is making them so defensive. Whatever it may be, it’s time to sort it out and think things through before wasabi becomes the reason your relationship falls apart completely.
What To Do When Every Conversation Turns Into An Argument With Your Partner?
Payton Zubke, a freelance writer, had been dating Miles Kushner for a year and a half. In that time, the two had gone through some stressors in their relationship, the remnants of which were creeping into their daily encounters.
Payton says, “My boyfriend turns everything into an argument and for no real reason! He’s still upset that Steve tried to kiss me at Mary’s party which is why he’s now taking it out on me every way he can. We can’t even agree on where we want to get lunch together anymore. Every conversation turns into an argument and it’s driving me up the wall.”
As unreasonable as it may seem, these little occurrences and instances are the reason we subconsciously start behaving oddly with our partners and start disrupting our love lives. But don’t worry. We have the right strategy for you. Here is what you should do with your partner when every conversation turns into an argument in your relationship.
Related Reading: Cute little ways to say sorry after a fight
1. Take a time-out when he starts an argument for no reason
Dr Golechha suggests taking a time-out from the argument for the following reason; “When two people are really angry and having an intense discussion, it may lead to cursing and even abuse. It is possible that you may no longer be parked on the issue at hand and mistakes from your past may be brought up. That’s where a time-out can be very helpful.”
Since you have clearly digressed from the problem at hand, everything you say to each other will be fruitless and only hurtful. Now before this flurry of hurtful words completely destroys your evening and mars your relationship, walk out of the room and get a breath. It’s important that you hold yourself together instead of continuing to attack each other with pointless remarks.
2. Be more mindful of what you are saying when every conversation turns into an argument
This argument conversation example will show you exactly what could be going wrong with your tone and style of arguing. “You’re a liar!” is met with a, “I don’t care what you think!” or, “I’m sick of your behavior!” incites a “I’ll do as I please!” See where we’re going with this?
The thing with constant arguing in a relationship is that you’ll definitely say something that you regret. The moment you stop being overly lippy, your argument might just take a constructive turn and there is an actual chance of conflict resolution. Otherwise, it’s just a series of personal attacks that will bring you down for the longest time. In other words, avoid hurting those egos and zip it when you can and should.
3. Start giving each other more time
Chrysa Neeman, a high school teacher told us, “I know why every conversation turns into an argument with my husband! All he does when he comes home after work is put up his feet, kick back and ask me to fetch him a beer. This is what my marriage has come to and I’m not having it! He never even asks me about my day anymore and the two of us have grown very distant and complacent in our relationship.”
When you fight every day in a relationship, your problem might not be that your wife forgot to call the plumber or that she made ravioli for dinner AGAIN. Maybe the root cause is that you two have lost that romantic spark and are struggling with feeling like the lovebirds you two used to be. This is unsettling the both of you and is channeling your frustration in other routes.
Related Reading: What To Do After A Fight With Your Boyfriend?
4. If you fight every day in a relationship, work on your anger issues
When every conversation turns into an argument in your relationship, it is possible that one or both of you, need to rein in your anger and frustration a little bit. Your emotions might be spilling all over the place and could eventually drive your love life into a ditch. Before things get so much worse, Ridhi advises that one should recognize and work on their anger issues.
She says, “There are times when you are angry and not thinking straight. You are not yourself and bring up a lot of irrelevant emotional baggage. That’s when both people need to take responsibility and work on one’s anger with the help of mindfulness based cognitive therapy, reflections, journaling and so on.”
5. Try to consider their perspective and think about why they may be right
Yeah, your boyfriend turns everything into an argument but what’s making this topic come up repetitively and linger on so much? It’s clearly bothering them far too much and the fact that he didn’t have his morning coffee might not be the only reason to blame. While we do agree that pointing fingers and blame-shifting is not conducive to resolving an argument, someone has to be responsible and apologize.
Girlfriend picking fights for no reason? Guess you need to do something a little differently. Take some time to cool down, go be in your own space for a little bit and think about why you could be triggering your partner. Is there a recurring habit of yours which is getting on their nerves? Or are they not feeling seen by you? When every conversation turns into an argument, it’s time to reflect upon what you could be doing wrong.
6. You both should look for your individual purpose to avoid constant arguing in a relationship
So you’re complaining that in your relationship, every conversation turns into an argument and you’re unsure of what to do next. But have you thought about what is internally going haywire that could be making you this way? Whether it’s picking up that old paintbrush or taking that rusty motorbike out for a spin, the answer to ‘Why do I turn everything into an argument?’ could literally be that simple.
Ridhi tells us, “Sometimes people pick arguments without reason because they are already stressed and maybe living an unfulfilled life. Maybe they don’t have a purpose or goal in life yet, which makes their partner their entire focal point. Now that’s too much pressure for them! Finding a purpose becomes essential so that your mental health is not compromised and also you can be fully present in a relationship.”
Related Reading: 15 Qualities Of A Good Relationship That Make Life Bliss
7. Lose the ego before you talk about an argument
Respecting yourself and asking for what you deserve is one thing. But letting your ego get the better of you is another and can quickly upturn all your efforts when you are trying to resolve an issue. When one is feeling betrayed, they quickly gather their pieces and want to put up a bold front to avoid getting hurt. But that doesn’t sit well with trying to work things out.
So instead of saying things like “I can’t believe you would do that to me”, say something like “I’m deeply hurt that you did this”, when you talk about an argument and discuss the problem at hand. When you let your guard down and put both feet in, it can turn the whole conversation around and make it ten times better.
8. Your girlfriend picking fights for no reason is not because she got her period so ask her what’s wrong
Saying “Are you just losing it because you’re on your period, boo?” will only make her want to smack you in the face even more. Adding a ‘boo’ to that tired and demeaning line is not going to work in your favor so lose the cutesy attitude and ask her what’s really going wrong. Stop jumping to conclusions and throwing reasons at her that may or may not be the cause of her bad mood and tantrums. This is one of the things that annoys women.
Even when you are sick and tired of your girlfriend picking fights for no reason, there could be something serious brewing there that you are unable to pinpoint. So before dismissing her and assuming what’s going on, make the effort to ask and understand. It can be annoying when every conversation turns into an argument, we know. But if you repeatedly brush it off or call the whole thing ‘silly’, it will only make your situation worse.
9. Remain present in the fight and don’t bring up the past
During a fight, the situation might start getting intense and you could both begin to lose your temper. In such a case, you might bring up instances and unresolved issues that hurt you in the past to deal with the frustration. As human as it is to resort to such a defensive play, attacking him because he forgot to tell you about boy’s night a fortnight ago is not a response to the problem that you have upset him today and need to be held accountable for the same.
Ridhi tells us, “Constant arguing in a relationship will stop when one only focuses on the present issue at hand. One needs to be present in the fight and not try to bring up past issues or past shortcomings of your partner. Don’t bring your old emotional baggage to the current situation.”
Some sour encounters don’t mean your love life has gone off track. But little annoyances, neglecting the situation or blaming the other person constantly, can make your problems a whole lot worse. Take a step back and process this problem in your relationship when every conversation turns into an argument. Then take a step towards being a better you and creating a more wholesome relationship. Remember, communication is key.