Having a particularly stressful conversation, you start to feel the emotions inside you well up. You try to control them, use your rational mind and get through the situation but the emotions are bubbling inside of you. Eventually, you feel words being dictated not by your thoughts, but by emotions. Ever been in such a situation? If yes, then you have had an encounter with emotional flooding.
“It was a stressful Wednesday evening and I was chasing a deadline. I asked my husband if he could prepare dinner, and he commented sarcastically about how I’m domesticating him. That really triggered me and I yelled back how I have work too and he could at least help. Taken aback, he started defending his comment and said I was overreacting. At that moment, all the stress and emotions got to me, and I let them take the wheel. We had a long argument and didn’t speak till the following morning,” says Nicole, a 29-year-old corporate lawyer.
If Nicole’s experience rang a familiar bell in your head, you have experienced emotional flooding. Arising often in situations where a person close to you might say something unpleasant or triggering, emotional flooding is not uncommon in relationships and can lead to uncomfortable and unwanted consequences.
Let’s take a look at what exactly is emotional flooding and how it might be causing you trauma and harming your relationships.
What Is Emotional Flooding?
It wouldn’t take one too long to guess what the term ‘emotional flooding’ means. In essence, it is a situation where two or more emotions – or a particularly strong one – evokes such a strong reaction within you that you feel overwhelmed by it. Usually associated with negative emotions and difficult circumstances, emotional flooding leads to your actions being directed by your emotions, and not your thoughts.
The term was first discussed in academic circles in the early 90s when Dr. JM Gottman published a research paper discussing emotional flooding and its connection with marital dissolution and stability. For the scientifically inclined, Gottman’s description of emotional flooding, also called diffuse physiological arousal, is a response by the Sympathetic Nervous System to stress, originally designed to alert us to danger and enabling us to react quicker with self-defense.
Emotional flooding causes you to feel overwhelmed, activating your fight or flight response and lets your emotions control your actions.
Related Reading: Emotional Intelligence In Relationships: Make Love Last Forever
What Happens During Emotional Flooding?
As we have discussed above, emotional flooding can overwhelm your thoughts and evoke a reactionary response from you. Yet, along with the inundation of your mind, emotional flooding also manifests physiologically, inside your body. Think of all the things that happen to your body when you get annoyed at someone: your breathing gets heavier, your blood pressure might get elevated, you feel a rush of blood to your head.
Emotional flooding takes all such reactions and kicks them up a notch. When this happens while communicating with your partner, the one who is closest to you, you might feel these intense symptoms. “When my partner and I get into serious arguments, I sometimes start hyperventilating. It’s difficult for me to talk clearly and I might stutter too,” says 24-year-old Danielle, who is a designer.
Nicole adds about her episode, “My head started getting heavy and I could feel the blood pumping through my veins. My heart was beating so hard I could feel its pace through my chest.”
Such physiological reactions may be felt externally when having an episode of emotional flooding. Inside your body, your kidney is secreting stress hormones, your arteries are constricted, adrenal glands secrete dopamine, adrenalin and noradrenalin, your liver sends sugar into your blood and the blood supply to your brain is maintained or elevated. So clearly, emotional flooding affects not just your mind but also your body.
Emotional Flooding Is Normal
The thing to remember above and beyond everything is that emotional flooding is normal. Yes, there might be certain circumstances in your life when you might be more susceptible to emotional flooding, but it is after all a part of our evolutionary physiological buildup –an instinctual reaction to threats, programmed into us so we can save ourselves.
It can be particularly hard on men to deal with emotional flooding, as the general attitude toward repressing emotions makes it likely that they might perceive emotional flooding as something wrong or uncharacteristic. By normalizing the fact that we all need to deal with our emotions, we can help others to react better to instances of emotional flooding.
Research by Dr. Gottman has shown that men are more physiologically prone to emotional flooding than women. Besides, everyone is aware of the role masculinity plays with respect to men displaying emotions. With a tendency in men to ignore and repress emotions, it is no wonder that these emotions burst out in an episode of emotional flooding.
What Causes An Episode Of Emotional Flooding?
All of us have to deal with intense or stressful situations at one time or the other, so the possibility of emotional flooding can never be ruled out for anybody. However, if you are going through a tough period or are a sensitive person, there is a higher chance of emotional flooding occurring to you in a stressful situation. People dealing with grief or loss are also highly susceptible to this. Here are some common triggers behind emotional flooding:
1. Toxic relationships
Emotional flooding usually arises out of a position of stress or discomfort. reaction to a traumatic or intense event may cause emotional flooding. Distressing conversations, particularly in a relationship, can be a trigger for emotional flooding.
A recent study on the occurrence of emotional flooding in marriages has shown that couples in a distressed marriage or with intimate partner violence tend to have higher occurrences of emotional flooding.
Thus it’s not surprising that emotional flooding occurs so frequently in distressed or toxic relationships. Since suppressing emotions is a common theme in toxic relationships where you’re constantly walking on eggshells around your partner, released of pent-up feelings through emotional outbursts is not uncommon. This suppression and outburst can become a vicious cycle, which can lead to stonewalling and deterioration of relationships.
Related Reading: 7 toxic signs of an unhealthy relationship
2. Emotional flooding after infidelity
When dealing with infidelity, emotional flooding can be a hurdle that prevents you from effectively addressing and dealing with the problem. In such a discussion, emotional flooding after infidelity can cause your emotions to override your rational thoughts and throw out vicious, charged comments at your partner.
Since you feel wronged and betrayed, you might let your anger – which is a common trigger for emotional flooding – take over even willingly, to unburden yourself and show how the betrayal hurt you.
Danielle recounts her experience, “Trying to move past my husband’s affair, I often found myself getting lost to the feelings of anger and betrayal. For about a month, it was difficult for me to have rational conversations with him and I would unleash my frustration at him every chance I could.”
Succumbing to emotional flooding after infidelity makes it more difficult for you to process and move past it. It would be advisable to rather focus on identifying and controlling your emotions. Once in control of your emotions and thoughts, your handling of the situation would be better and not destructive.
3. Emotional flooding and stonewalling
When one is in a particularly sensitive state, especially with matters concerning relationships, experiencing emotional flooding can lead to more distance and communication gaps. Your outburst of pain or anger may seem cathartic in the moment, but the more it happens, the more likely it is that your partner will stop trying to engage or discuss sensitive matters with you. As emotional flooding trauma increases, your partner may become more withdrawn, cordoning you to deal with emotional flooding and stonewalling.
Speaking about how emotional flooding affected her relationship, Nicole says, “After our first fight regarding making dinner, it became a sensitive topic. Every time we had a conversation about it, I would yell at him and it never ended well. After a few episodes of emotional flooding and him stonewalling me, both I and my husband avoided having long conversations; saying that it was better to not talk about it rather than fight again.”
As the name suggests, stonewalling here is when your partner refuses to communicate altogether, shutting you out of some parts of their life and not engaging you on sensitive topics. This would only serve as an inducing factor for emotional flooding in the future, and something which should be addressed, preferably in therapy, as soon as possible.
4. Suppressing your emotions
By suppressing your emotions, you cause a backlog inside you. Besides reacting to particular triggers, this can also cause you to unleash all of the pent-up frustration and emotional burden on your partner, during an argument about an entirely different topic.
This is harmful not just for you but can cause emotional flooding that may damage your relationship, as well as your peace of mind. “It was like I was stuck in a cycle, swallowing my anger through the day and letting it all out when I spoke to my husband at the end of the day,” recalls Danielle.
5. Flooding as a tool
People who are not in tune with their emotions may also resort to flooding as a tool, often without recognizing it. This display of flooding psychology comes into play especially in the case of people who in their growing up years were not given the tools to work through their emotions and were often left to self-soothe by their primary caregivers or parents.
Flooding psychology, better known today as flooding therapy, is a method used in psychological therapy to address certain triggers which can cause an emotional reaction. Flooding therapy essentially reverses what emotional flooding does to our body and mind, using exposure to stressful factors to address and cope with triggers. Although this might seem counterintuitive, this method has been applied in different parts of the world over the past few decades.
While the person using this tool to deal with the emotions may not be aware of the intricacies of flooding psychology, they could still be instinctively mirroring it.
How To Deal With Emotional Flooding In Relationships
Having learned about emotional flooding, you would have noticed that difficult conversations can lead to flared emotions and may cause emotional flooding for your partner. In such a situation, it is better to identify when the conversation is heading to be aggressive or irrational; and to take a pause and return to it later.
Here are some things that you can do to plan for and deal with emotional flooding:
1. Focus on your breathing
Emotional flooding occurs when your emotions tend to overrun your rational thinking. One of the more common physiological symptoms of this is heavy or accelerated breathing. It is by paying attention to this simple, constant bodily function that we can best deal with emotional flooding episodes.
Focusing on your breath, and attempting to take steady, deep breaths can greatly help. Deep breaths activate the ‘rest and digest’ part of your body (the parasympathetic nervous system), helping you to relax, increasing blood flow to your internal organs and stabilizing your heart rate.
“I found that developing a habit of breathing concentration helped me deal with stressful situations, particularly with my husband. I started to meditate too, gaining more control over my thoughts through breathing, which improved not only my relationship but my work too,” says Nicole.
2. Identify your emotions
It is a well-known fact that acknowledging and naming your emotions can help you process them better, and grant us more control over them. A study by UCLA Professor Matthew Lieberman and colleagues showed that naming your negative emotions such as anger, sadness or fear calms the Amygdala, a part of the brain that helps define and regulate emotions.
By identifying the emotions when they flare up, you can help dissipate their intensity. The more often you take time to recognize what you are feeling, the better you will get at it. Eventually, you reach a stage where your emotions are no longer threatening to you, but a part of your daily experiences.
3. Take a break
Self-soothing is a popular tool for effectively addressing emotional flooding. What is self-soothing? Well, when you experience emotional flooding, your body has many physiological reactions, as we discussed above.
To cool down and settle that physiological state, most people need around 20 minutes. Taking a break and doing something relaxing or stimulating can help extract you from the state. The important thing is to spend time to soothe your psyche, your body, and thus yourself.
How best to self-soothe varies from one individual to another. Taking a walk around the block and observing nature helps some people. Others decide to channel their energy into another activity like watching a funny video or talking to a friend.
4. Analyze your emotions
Once you have taken time to extract yourself from a state of emotional flooding, or have time later to think, it is a good idea to analyze the emotions you have identified or named. Question why that emotion arose in the situation, what caused you to get overwhelmed and if other factors led to the episode.
By giving a thought to what caused the situation, you can fragment the emotions and understand your reaction. This will help you to tackle the situation better whenever it may arise next.
Speaking of her process, Danielle says, “I found myself getting angry every time I opened my husband’s text messages because I had found out about his affair by chancing upon his text exchange with the other woman. In many ways, it became a trigger for me. So I started calling him whenever I needed to, and eventually, was able to return to texting him without thinking about the past or being triggered.”
Research has also shown that people who engage in physical exercise and are used to dealing with more sweaty and stress-inducing situations have a higher resistance to emotional flooding. Exercising is a good method to train not just your body, but also your mind to deal better with uncomfortable situations.
It increases your body’s ability to deal with more stress and can help you deal with difficult emotional situations. You can also try to make exercise a common activity that you and your partner practice together. This will help you both grow closer and give you the opportunity to communicate better.
6. Share with your partner
It can be a good strategy to engage with your partner in discussions about your emotional flooding episodes: the factors which caused it and what you are physically feeling. Not only does this aid you in analyzing the episode through elucidation, but also recruits a loved one in your efforts against such episodes.
So instead of getting caught in the cycle of emotional flooding and stonewalling, use it to create the opposite effect. It will yield better results for your relationship. Sharing your own experience with emotional flooding can inculcate a habit of sharing emotions and discomforts, which can alleviate this phenomenon to a great extent.
Being a better, active listener, expressing your care and concern and validating your partner’s emotions by voicing out that you understand what they are feeling can help calm your partner. Researching more on coping strategies and planning for them together is a great tool for preventing or mitigating future episodes.
Depending on your comfort, therapy can help address emotional flooding too. A therapist or coach can aid you in identifying your emotions, what patterns lead to flooding episodes and techniques to deal with specific situations. Visiting a therapist with your partner may also help them understand you and your emotions better. By working together, you can not only deal with emotional flooding but also become closer in your relationship.
Emotional flooding is caused due to a rise of one or more intense emotions, usually because of some external factors like mean comments to you, leading to your emotions overwhelming and controlling you.
The duration of an emotional flooding episode depends on how long one is in a stressful situation, such as a heated argument. However, it takes up to 20 minutes to cool down from an emotional flooding episode.
Being aware and open to your husband’s emotions and feelings will aid you in helping your husband through an emotional flooding episode. Planning for such episodes and practicing soothing activities like meditation, taking a break from the stressful situation are a few things you can do together.