20 Questions To Ask Your Partner To Build Emotional Intimacy

emotional intimacy is a very important part of a relationship

Intimacy doesn’t always develop between the sheets, it also grows between two hearts. Emotional intimacy is as important as physical intimacy. Think about it this way. You as a couple are not together just to procreate, to keep up appearances in the society, or to hang out and go to restaurants.

You are potentially looking for lifelong companionship. Someone to bear witness to your life. When you’re looking for something like this but don’t work on the quality of the companionship, the relationship fizzles out or becomes toxic leaving you lonely in your heart. The entire idea of a relationship is to build emotional intimacy.

You would probably say, “We are together for ten years. We know everything about each other by now. What more could we do to feel this gap that our relationship is going through?” Well, that is exactly why we are here today, to offer you a line up of some very thoughtful questions to increase emotional intimacy. Mark my word, you will soon realize you are discovering a whole new side of your partner that was hidden somewhere all these years. So, stay tuned!

What Is Emotional Intimacy?

When a couple comes together to live, laugh, and love, a complex web of emotions gets created which is more than knowing just the habits and preferences of an individual. That energy in a relationship is emotional intimacy. Communication, closeness, and security are the three very important components of emotional intimacy. Couples who have these things in their marriage and constantly strive to make it better have emotional intimacy.

How do you build an emotional connection with someone? Couples who have been able to build an emotional connection have a deep understanding of each other. They share each other’s aspirations and are willing to help each other fly. Their connection is such that they can actually foretell each other’s thoughts and actions.

They know each other thoroughly and they are open books to each other.  It is possible to develop such a connection with your loved one by asking each other emotional intimacy questions that allow you to know your partner even better. In order to be happy, you must develop emotional intimacy and it can be done simply by talking to each other and asking questions to build trust in a relationship.

Lack of emotional intimacy could lead to the end of a marriage. Couples could be living together for a long time and sleeping together on the same bed but they don’t realize that they have drifted apart. The love, care, concern, and the need to know about each other – the essence of an emotional connection might fizzle out over time. Like a child needs to be held, cuddled, and talked to, in marriage also partners need to do that to each other.

That’s why more than cheating physically, many married people get absorbed in an emotional affair.  In this article researchers have found out that among 90000 people surveyed, 91.6 percent of women said they have indulged in emotional infidelity while 78.6 percent of men said they have done the same. So statistics show emotional affairs take off when there is a lack of emotional intimacy in the marriage. And to make sure your relationship too doesn’t go down the same road, resort to the questions to deepen intimacy with your partner.

Related Reading: 12 Ways To Build Intellectual Intimacy In A Relationship

20 Questions To Ask To Build Emotional Intimacy

As we said earlier, it is possible to build emotional intimacy by asking questions. This simply means that your partner is interested in you and they want to know every small detail about you. Every couple (be it a budding relationship or a long-term strong bond that is facing a rough patch) should focus on emotional intimacy without physical intimacy once in a while to keep the love and trust alive in their relationship.

In fact, it could be one of those beautiful things to do with your boyfriend at home when you are stuck at home on a rainy Saturday evening and there is nothing else to do. We have some great questions to ask a guy to connect emotionally. Alternatively, guys could give the same questions a shot to ask their girls. This is a happy feeling and builds the much-required emotional connection. So here are our 20 intimacy building questions to strengthen your bond.

1. Tell me about your childhood

If you are already married or in a long-term relationship, out of sheer longevity, you would know a lot about your partner’s childhood. However, if the honeymoon phase is not yet over in your relationship, you will need time to find these things out. Our childhood experiences shape who we are as people.

While they don’t always define us, more often than not, they can explain our behaviors. For example, being abused by a stranger or a family member can have long-standing effects on our personality. Knowing your partner, and understanding what made them the way they are is important in empathizing with them and developing emotional intimacy.

2. Do I love myself?

As ‘new-age’ and ‘spiritual’ as this may sound, research has proved that people who express love for themselves, who like themselves, and have healthy self-esteem make better partners. So, when you are trying to resolve ‘Is emotional intimacy important in a relationship?’, being confident about your own emotional availability is kind of important.

You don’t have to constantly reassure the person of their lovability, or tame their jealousy. They are secure people. Asking yourself if you are all those things is important in a relationship. This question forces you to get in touch with your own emotions and that can help you relate to your partner.

3. What do you like about me?

Asking this to your partner can result in hilarious and profound responses. People tend to tell each other the generic ‘I love you’ or ‘I like you’ in its various forms but no one gets specific about these things. Forcing your partner and yourself to go through this exercise almost makes you admire each other all over again. It’s like counting your blessings and can be helpful in rejuvenating the emotional and even physical intimacy between you two.

Related Reading: 100 Romantic Questions To Ask Your Girlfriend And Make Her Heart Melt

4. What are our emotional needs?

This is a difficult conversation, so let’s first establish what it is not. This is not an invitation for you to tell each other what you could be doing ‘more’ for each other. It is not a criticism fest or a trigger that leads to finger-pointing and fights. What this conversation is about, however, is what exactly do you both think you respectively need emotionally.

You can achieve an emotional connection by asking questions
What do you ask her?

It could be loyalty in a relationship, a sense of appreciation, gratitude, respect, more verbal expressions of love, more attention, less attention, and the list could go on. When you ask each other this question, don’t frame it by saying “What more can I do for you?” Instead ask your partner, “What do you think you need emotionally from me?” It will provide you both with a picture of things you consider important for yourselves and you can both then try to extend that much-required emotional support for each other for a healthier relationship.

5. Can you call a spade a spade?

If you both or one of you has felt that your relationship is going through trouble, can you both look at it without dismissing the other’s view? Can you have these discussions without gas-lighting, and try and talk about it honestly? Is either of you in denial? The first strategy for solving a conflict is to admit that there is a problem and not turn away in pretense.

The ability to do so can shift you from two opposing parties to one team against the problem. And this is one of the most suitable questions to ask for deeper intimacy and we think you should both ask each other the same thing to make sure you are on the same page.

6. What are the 10 things you want to do in life?

This is a great question to ask your partner to develop an emotional connection. You will know if traveling to Peru, becoming the CEO of a company, then retiring early, and having their own farm are part of their bucket list. This will give you an insight into their aspirations and dreams. You would be able to figure out how you fit into their plans and how you can support them.

7. What movies make you cry?

They could say they never get emotional watching movies or they could rattle out a list that could match yours. Then you will know that Forrest Gump is their comfort film or Fault in Our Stars is what draws out the tissue. Talking about films is a great way to create a connection. If you love the same kind of films then you definitely have an emotional connection there. Asking about films is a great way to develop emotional intimacy.

Related Reading: 15 Characteristics Of A Healthy Relationship

8. A childhood memory that gives you pain?

This could be the demise of a grandparent, shifting from their childhood home, or the divorce of their parents. Or simply losing the pet puppy to a road accident which left a traumatic scar in their mind that they hide carefully from everyone, even you. You will know deeply about your partner’s feelings when they talk about a childhood memory that’s really painful.

These kinds of emotional intimacy questions will only draw you closer and you can spend the rest of the evening just hugging each other and saying nothing. Yes, it took you some time to learn about the hardest thing your partner ever had to endure as a child, but now that you know, they don’t have to bear the pain alone anymore.

9. Which friend do you feel most connected to?

Your partner could be the kind who has two very close friends or ten friends from school who have been by their side through the thick and thin. But there will always be one friend they feel more connected to. Once you know why that friendship is so special to them, you will grow new-found respect for that person and be more friendly with them.

At the same time, one emotional intimacy question later, you know your partner a lot better. Knowing more about the friend they love and establishing a connection with them will increase the connection in your relationship. And, if your partner confesses you are that precious friend they hold so close to their heart, it will simply make your day!

10. What’s the most adventurous thing you have ever done?

This is one of the best intimacy building questions. If they tell you it was a bungee jump then you would know who they are. If sneaking out of the house through the backdoor for a night out with friends at 17 is something they think of as an adventure, then also you know what goes on in their head. Share your adventures with them and strengthen your bond.

11. Something that changed your life forever

All of us have life-changing experiences. It could be traumatic or it could be the great memory of winning that national creative writing competition that pushed you toward a career in journalism. What they say will give you an insight into their lives before they met you and what experiences changed them in a way to who they are today. If you are looking for questions to ask a guy to connect emotionally, this is a great one. You may as well try it with your girlfriend/wife to know more about her life experiences.

Related Reading: 12 Signs Of Unconditional Love In A Relationship

12. What are the things you are most thankful for?

If you for once want to prioritize emotional intimacy without physical intimacy, this question is made for the occasion. Gratitude is a great virtue that we should all try to acquire. If not discussing them with anyone, you can simply keep a gratitude journal to write about one thing every day that you are grateful for.

However, for now, you could ask this question to find out what your partner appreciates most in life. They may just go ahead and say that they are thankful that you are there in their life. Just go ahead and blush and give a kiss and a cuddle. That’s a great intimacy building question, isn’t it?

13. What is your idea of a perfect date with me?

They would get to say a lot. It could be the usual of movies and dinner or something more like an exotic couples trip for the weekend, a spa date, or some drinks at a swim-up bar. This already sounds great. You could do all that and more to build on the intimacy in the relationship. So, don’t just ask, “Is emotional intimacy important?” rather get on planning the next date night that will simply thrill your partner.

Going on a romantic date to build on the intimacy
Is this a perfect date?

14. What are the things I do that make you the happiest?

It could be as simple as making the bed in the morning since she is in a hurry to get to work. Or he could mention the head massage that you give him every Sunday. Either way, it is one of the best questions to ask for deeper intimacy. The answers will make you feel care, concern, and love for each other.

15. Is there something you want to try in bed?

Achieving emotional intimacy is also about coming physically closer. Being able to communicate with your partner what you want in bed makes you feel more connected. Couples who can discuss what they liked in bed and what they want to try next are the happiest. You should always try to create a safe space for your partner where they can express all about their fantasies and sexual concerns.

16. How do you look at our future together?

This is a wonderful intimacy building question. Not only that, it is one of the most effective questions to build trust in a relationship. You can discuss loads and loads and become excited about your future together. You could have plans to travel the world or settle in a log cabin by a mountain. There are lots to dream about – together.

Emotional intimacy questions

17. You are like which parent?

This will give you an idea of which way they are like their parents. And also which parent they feel closer to. You could also tell them which parent you are like. You could both come up with revelations about your parents that would make you understand them better. 

Related Reading: 22 Interesting Questions To Ask A Girl To Know Her Better

18. Would you want to time travel with me?

This would tell you what’s on their mind. How they can let their imagination fly. If they say they want to time travel like Mr. Peabody and Sherman then we can assure you there are a lot of adventures in store for you. Or they could just say that they would want to travel back in time to change something in their childhood or see how many kids you would have in the future.

19. What’s the thing you enjoy doing every day with me?

Talk about questions to deepen intimacy and here’s a great one! They could say having coffee in the morning together, making out on the kitchen table, or cooking fun recipes together. Or they could choose cuddling on the couch and watching movies. No matter what the answer is, there’s intimacy waiting to happen.

20. What is the best part of our relationship?

Yes, out of all our questions to increase emotional intimacy, we have kept the best question for the last. Your partner will have a lot to say and you will listen intently. Then this will be followed by kisses and cuddles. (No we are not imagining any further)

If you want to work on the love, commitment, and security in your relationship then we have got the intimacy building questions sorted out for you. Just go ahead and ask.

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