Intimacy isn’t always between the sheets, it’s also between two hearts. Emotional intimacy is as important as physical intimacy. Think about it this way. You as a couple are not together just to procreate, or to keep up appearances in the society, or to hang out and go to restaurants.
You are potentially looking for lifelong companionship. Someone to bear witness to your life. When you’re looking for something like this but don’t work on the quality of the companionship, the relationship fizzles out or becomes toxic and you become lonely. The entire idea of a relationship is to build emotional intimacy.
Related Reading: 12 Ways To Build Intellectual Intimacy In A Relationship
What Is Emotional Intimacy?
When a couple comes together to live, laugh and love, a complex web of emotions get created which is more than knowing just the habits and preferences of an individual. That energy in a relationship is emotional intimacy.
Communication, closeness and security are the three very important components of emotional intimacy. Couples who have these things in their marriage and constantly strive to make it better they have emotional intimacy.
There are some questions to ask to develop emotional intimacy. In order to be happy you must develop emotional intimacy and it can be done simply by talking to each other and asking questions even.
How do you build an emotional connection? Couples who have been able to build an emotional connection have a deep understanding of each other. They share each others aspirations and are willing to help each other fly. Their connection is such that they can actually preempt each other’s thoughts and actions.
They know each other thoroughly and they are an open book to each other. It is possible to develop emotional intimacy by asking each other questions that allow you to know each other better.
Lack of emotional intimacy could lead to the end of a marriage. Couples could be living together for a long time and sleeping together on the same bed but they don’t realise that they, have drifted apart. The love, care, concern and the need to know about each other, that is the essence of an emotional connection might fizzle out over time. Like a child needs to be held, cuddled and talked to, in a marriage also partners need to do that to each other.
That’s why more than cheating physically many married people get absorbed in an emotional affair. In this article researchers have found out that among 90000 people surveyed 91.6 per cent women said they have indulged in emotional infidelity while 78.6 per cent men said they have done same.So statistics show emotional affairs take off when there is lack of emotional intimacy in the marriage.
20 Questions To Ask To Build Emotional Intimacy
As we said earlier it is possible to build emotional intimacy by asking questions. This simply means that your partner is interested in you and they want to know every small detail about you.
This is a happy feeling and builds the much required emotional connection. So here are our 20 intimacy building questions.
1. Tell me about your childhood
If you are already married or in a long-term relationship, out of sheer longevity, you would know a lot about your partner’s childhood. If you are however still in the honeymoon phase, you will need time to find these things out. Our childhood experiences shape who we are as people.
While they don’t always define us more often than not, they can explain our behaviours. For example, being abused by a stranger or a family member can have long-standing effects on our personality. Knowing your partner, and understanding what made them the way they are is important in empathising with them and developing emotional intimacy.
2. Do I love myself?
As ‘new-age’ and ‘spiritual’ as this may sound, research has proved that people who express love for themselves, who like themselves and have a healthy self-esteem make better partners.
You don’t have to constantly reassure the person of their lovability, or tame their jealousy. They are secure people. Asking yourself if you are all those things is important in a relationship. This question forces you to get in touch with your own emotions and that can help you relate to your partner.
3. What do you like about me?
Asking this to your partner can result in hilarious and profound responses. People tend to tell each other the generic ‘I love you’ or ‘I like you’ in its various forms but no one gets specific about these things.
Forcing your partner and yourself to go through this exercise almost makes you admire each other all over again. It’s like counting your blessings and can be helpful in rejuvenating the emotional and even physical intimacy between you two.
4. What are our emotional needs?
This is a difficult conversation, so let’s first establish what it is not. This is not an invitation for you to tell each other what you could be doing ‘more’ for each other. It is not a criticism fest or a trigger that leads to finger pointing and fights. What this conversation is about, however, is what exactly do you both think you respectively need emotionally.
It could be loyalty, a sense of appreciation, gratitude, respect, more verbal expressions of love, more attention, less attention, the list could go on. When you ask each other this question, don’t frame it by saying “what more can I do for you?” Instead ask your partner, “what do you think you need emotionally from me?’. It will provide you both with a picture of things you consider important for yourselves and you can both then try to help each other feel those feelings.
Related Reading: 15 Characteristics Of A Healthy Relationship
5. Can you call a spade a spade?
If you both or one of you has felt that your relationship is going through trouble, can you both look at it without dismissing the other’s view? Can you have these discussions without gas-lighting, and try and talk about it honestly?
Is either of you in denial? The first step in solving a problem is to admit that there is a problem and not turn away in pretense. The ability to do so can turn you from two opposing parties to one team against the problem.
6. What are the 10 things you want to do in life?
This is a great question to ask your partner to develop emotional connection. You will know if travelling to Peru, becoming the CEO of a company, then retiring early and having their own farm are part of their bucket list.
This will give you an insight into their aspirations and dreams and you will know where you figure in there, and how you can support them.
7. What movies make you cry?
They could say they never get emotional watching movies or they could rattle out a list that could match yours.
Then you will know that Forrest Gump is their film or Fault in Our Stars is what draws out the tissue. Talking about films is a great way to create a connection. If you love the same kind of films then you definitely have an emotional connection there. Asking about films is a great way to develop emotional intimacy.
8. A childhood memory that gives you pain?
This could be the demise of a grandparent, shifting of home or the divorce of parents. Or simply losing the pet puppy to a road accident.
9. Which friend you feel most connected to?
Your partner could be the kind who has two very close friends or 10 friends from school who have been there through the thick and thin.
But there will always be one friend they feel more connected to. Once you know why then you will also know your partner better. Knowing more about the friend they love and establishing a connection with them will increase the connection n your relationship.
Related Reading: 12 Signs Of Unconditional Love In A Relationship
10. What’s the most adventurous thing you have ever done?
This is one of the best intimacy building questions. If they tell you it was a bungee jump then you would know who they are. If sneaking out of the house through the backdoor for a night out with friends at 17, is something they think of as adventure, then also you know what goes on in their head.
Share your adventures with them and feel the bonding.
11. Something that changed your life forever…
All of us have life-changing experiences. It could be traumatic or it could be the great memory of winning that national creative competition that pushed you to the career of journalism.
What they say will give you an insight into their life and what experiences changed them.
12. What are the things you are most thankful for?
They may just go ahead and say that they are thankful that you are there in their life. Just go ahead and blush and give a kiss and a cuddle.
That’s a great intimacy building question isn’t it?
13. What is your idea of a perfect date with me?
They would get to say a lot. It could be the usual of movies and dinner or something more like a weekend stay at an exotic resort, a spa date or some drinks at a swim-up bar.
This already sounds great. You could do all that and more to build on the intimacy in the relationship.
Related Reading: 10 Proven Ways To Show Someone You Love Them
14. What are the things I do that make you the happiest?
It could be as simple as making the bed in the morning since she is in a hurry to get to work. Or he could say the head massage that you give him every Sunday.
The answers will make you feel care, concern and love for each other.
15. Is there something you want to try in bed?
Achieving emotional intimacy is also about coming physically closer. Being able to communicate what you want in bed makes you feel more connected.
Couples who can discuss what they liked in bed and what they want to try next are the happiest.
16. How do you look at our future together?
This is a wonderful intimacy building question. You can discuss loads and loads and become excitd about your future together.
You could have plans to travel the world or settle in a log cabin by a mountain. There’s lots to dream about – together.
17. You are like which parent?
This will give you an idea they are like which parent. And also which parent they feel more close to. You could also tell them which parent you are like.
They could also come up with revelations about the parents that would make them understand them better.
Related Reading: 22 interesting questions to ask a girl to know her better
18. Would you want to time travel with me?
This would tell you what’s on their mind. How they can let their imagination fly. If they say they want to time travel like Mr Peabody and Sherman then we can assure you there are lot of adventures in store for you.
Or they could just say that they would want to travel back in time to change something in childhood o see how many kids you would have in future.
19. What’s the thing you enjoy doing everyday with me?
They could say having coffee in the morning together, making out on the kitchen table or cooking dinner together. Or they could tell you watching Netflix together.
No matter what’s the answer there’s intimacy waiting to happen.
20. What is the best part of our relationship?
Yes we have kept the best question for the last. Your partner will have a lot to say and you will listen intently. Then this will be followed by the kisses and cuddles.
(No we are not imagining any further).
If you want to work on the love, commitment and security in your relationship then we have got the intimacy building questions sorted out for you. Just go ahead and ask.