Expert Speak

5 excuses your partner gives for cheating on you

Often, cheaters try to shift the blame for their behaviour on to their partner, saying it was their fault they had the extramarital affair. Here are some common excuses
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It’s your fault I had the affair

We’ve all been in relationships, and it doesn’t come as an exaggeration when I say that the one thing that most of us are scared of ever finding out is that our partner is cheating on us. Yes, that harrowing feeling of seeing your seemingly perfect relationship crumbling in front of you is what I’m talking about. Cheating is subjective in this day and age. Every couple has their understanding of what they consider as “crossing the boundary over to infidelity”. Yet, whatever the “type” of cheating is, it nevertheless is an emotionally shattering experience for the person who experiences that kind of betrayal in a relationship.

Many partners have a way of getting around the issue by blaming their spouse for their actions. This is a common tactic used to emotionally manipulate the already grieving partner into believing that they directly or indirectly lead to this catastrophic moment in the relationship. Beware of this tactic, as this is just a way to justify the wrongdoings that he has indulged in. Here are five ways your partner may try to blame you for their misdeeds.

Related reading: Classic excuses to have an extramarital affair, with help from Bollywood!

Five ways your partner blames you for his infidelity

1. “You don’t love me like you used to!”

This is one of the most common excuses. In an attempt to directly pass the baton of their own actions to the partner, the cheating partner will place direct blame on the spouse. They justify and rationalise their behaviour by saying that their perceived lack of affection was the cause of the act.

2. “You also had affairs before we were together; I just wanted to get even.”

This is a classic case of manipulation, where the cheating partner uses irrationality to rationalise their behaviour (ironic, right!). Use of this and other such irrational statements to divert the attention from their mistake to those of the partner is also a way to minimise their own guilt.

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3. “You’re always busy, I get bored.”

This excuse has been used by cheating spouses in relationships where the female partner also has a career, and has her own work commitments. This is another way of guilt-tripping the female into believing that somehow, she was responsible for the act of cheating.

man in the office typing on laptop
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4. “You don’t give me novelty; I needed a break from the monotony.”

Perhaps one of the oldest reasons men use when they are caught cheating. Many men try to shift the blame to “biology” and their “innate need for novelty”, rather than being accountable for their own actions.

They base the argument on statements like “You never satisfied me the way I wanted”, and defend their cheating by the same, rather than trying to talk to their partner about their sexual as well as emotional needs.

Related reading: Why it is important to save evidence against your spouse who’s cheating on you

5. “Our relationship was over a long time ago, I did this to draw your attention to that fact.”

This has to be hands down the most ridiculous yet widely used excuse men use to blame their partners for their infidelity. Using cheating as a way of “seeking attention” rather than communicating their concerns about issues in the relationship is clearly not the most helpful way of dealing with the issue. That being said, it is still unbelievable how many women fall for this lame excuse and start to second guess their own behaviour.

woman sad with man
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Related reading: We asked our readers how they defined cheating as a couple and they said

What do you next?

Time for the big monster: What happens if you find out that your spouse is cheating on you?

First, understand that there is no way that you should be taking accountability for the fact that your partner cheated on you. You are NOT responsible for it. No matter what reason your spouse presents to you. It happened because your partner chose to cheat, not because of something you did.

It happened because your partner chose to cheat, not because of something you did.

Second, ask yourself if you see yourself being able to move past this event.

Is this the first time this happened? Do you see a genuine feeling of remorse in your partner’s behaviour after you confronted him? Has he ended the affair? Is he also willing to take responsibility for his actions? Answers to these questions will give you some clarity in understanding what you need to do next. Do not shy away from seeking professional help from a psychiatrist, psychologist, or a certified mental health worker. Talk to your partner about going for couples’ counselling and trying to work through your relationship woes.

Here are some sure signs to find out if your spouse has cheated on you

7 ways to know that your partner isn’t cheating on you any more

Does an emotional affair count as ‘cheating’?

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  1. Cheating is an inexcusable offense to your partner, there is no excuse that can justify the breaching of trust and hurting your partner. However cheating maybe a symptom of a bigger problem in your relationship. So if you are considering forgiving your partner, and rekindling your relationship, you must talk to your partner and figure out the bigger problems

  2. It is wrong to doubt on your partner but it is equally wrong not to doubt when you have reasons. I was looking for something like this and found it here. Good to have it.

  3. It is wrong to doubt on gyour partner but it is equally wrong not to doubt when you have reasons. I was looking for something like this and found it here. Good to have it.

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