We’ve all been in relationships, and it is no exaggeration when I say that the one thing that most of us are scared of is our partner cheating on us. Yes, that harrowing feeling of seeing your seemingly perfect relationship crumbling in front of you is what I’m talking about. The hurt and angst of betrayal become that much worse when your partner comes up with cheating excuses to justify their actions.
Cheating is subjective in this day and age. Every couple has their understanding of what they consider as “crossing the boundary over to infidelity”. Yet, whatever the “type” of cheating is, it nevertheless is an emotionally shattering experience for the person at the receiving end of the betrayal. The last thing you need from a cheating partner is a list of excuses that essentially say, ‘It’s your fault that I had an affair’.
Yet, this tendency is not uncommon. Psychologist Mallika Pathak delves deeper into some of the most common cheating excuses you need to be watchful of.
5 Ways Your Partner Blames You Their Infidelity
Many partners have a way of getting around the issue of infidelity by blaming their partners for their actions. This is a common tactic used to emotionally manipulate the already grieving partner into believing that they directly or indirectly lead to this catastrophic moment in the relationship.
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Beware of these bad cheating excuses that are typically used as a ploy to riddle you with confusion and guilt over your partner’s infidelity. This is the oldest tactic in the cheater’s playbook to justify the wrongdoings that they have indulged in. Here are five common cheating excuses your partner may use to try to pin the blame of their misdeeds on you:
1. You don’t love me like you used to!
This is one of the most common cheating woman excuses thrown around when the transgression comes to light. Even though men can resort to it too. In an attempt to directly pass the baton of their own actions to the partner, the cheating partner will place direct blame on the spouse.
They justify and rationalize their behavior by saying that their perceived lack of affection was the cause of the infidelity. Even if love and affection have taken a backseat in a relationship, it does not give either partner an excuse to cheat.
The right approach always is to address and resolve your issues rather than seek what is lacking in your relationship from a third person.
2. You also had affairs before we were together; I just wanted to get even
This is a classic case of manipulation, where the cheating partner uses irrationality to rationalize their behavior (ironic, right!). Use of this and other such irrational statements to divert the attention from their mistake to those of the partner is also a way to minimize their own cheating guilt.
This is one of the worst cheating excuses, as no one is better disposed to understand how devastating being cheated on can be than a person who has experienced it first-hand.
3. You’re always busy, I get bored
This excuse has been used by cheating spouses in relationships where the female partner also has a career and other commitments that keep her occupied. It is one of the common cheating man excuses used for guilt-tripping a woman into believing that somehow, she was responsible for the act of cheating.
Well, if she is too busy to take time out for you and your relationship, why don’t you pitch in and lighten her load, Mr? If your man uses this cliché on you, tell him this: Had you made an effort to stay and help at home rather than look for excuses to get out of the house to meet your lover, the question of not having enough time together wouldn’t have arisen.
4. You don’t give me novelty. I needed a break from the monotony.
Perhaps one of the oldest cheating man excuses and truly never gets old for them. Many men try to shift the blame of their betrayal on “biology” and their “innate need for novelty”, rather than being accountable for their own actions.
They base the argument on statements like “You never satisfied me the way I wanted” to defend their cheating, whereas the right way to address a dissatisfying sex life is to talk to your partner about your sexual and emotional needs.
5. Our relationship was over a long time ago, I did this to draw your attention to the fact
This has to be hands down one of the rather funny excuses for cheating on someone. Well, not leave you in splits funny, but definitely ridiculous and ironic funny. Yet, it is among the most widely used cheating excuses for placing the blame on one’s partner.
Using cheating as a way of “seeking attention” rather than communicating their concerns about issues in the relationship is clearly not the most helpful way of dealing with the issue. That being said, it is still unbelievable how many people fall for this lame excuse and start second-guessing their own role in this catastrophic relationship moment.
What to do you next?
Time for the big monster: What happens if you find out that your spouse is cheating on you?
First, understand that there is no way that you should be taking accountability for the fact that your partner cheated on you. You are NOT responsible for it. No matter what reason your spouse presents to you. It happened because your partner chose to cheat, not because of something you did.
Second, ask yourself if you see yourself being able to move past this event. Is this the first time this happened? Do you see a genuine feeling of remorse in your partner’s behavior after you confronted them? Have they ended the affair? Are they willing to take responsibility for their actions?
Answers to these questions will give you some clarity in understanding what you need to do next. Do not shy away from seeking professional help from a psychiatrist, psychologist, or certified mental health worker. Talk to your partner about going for couples’ counseling and trying to work through your relationship woes.
No, there is never a good reason for cheating. Even if your relationship is riddled with issues, the right approach is to try to work out your differences or call it quits. No matter what your circumstances, cheating is never the right answer.
What a cheater says upon being confronted depends on whether or not they regret betraying their partner’s trust and want to make the relationship work. If they do, they will express their remorse and make promises to make amends. If not, they will try to justify their actions by pinning the blame on you.
Yes, it is not uncommon for a cheater to get defensive and try to justify their actions. This can be either because they feel cornered and can’t handle the guilt and shame of cheating or because they have been using these very excuses to justify cheating for so long that they’ve come to believe them to be true.