My friend said ugly things about me to my boyfriend, he dumped me and now they are dating each other.
I feel angry and I just can’t get over the fact that she played so dirty to get him for herself. I also feel betrayed by my ex as he chose to believe my friend over me after all the support I gave him when his parents died, and all the emotional investment in him for 3 years.
I am confused about whether I in some way allowed this betrayal of trust, and if so, why. I am angry with both of them and myself for where I am today. I just can’t get over the hurt and anger. What should I do?
Aman Bhonsle says:
Dear young lady,
You’ve just lost out on a relationship and a friendship. The hurt and anger you’re currently feeling are a natural reaction to loss. Ask yourself if apart from the pain of betrayal that you currently feeling, are you also afraid that ‘you may just not be good enough’?
Self-rejection is a universal problem, but this is a rare opportunity for you to change the way you see yourself.
Here are some facts for you to mull over:
- A lot that happens to us in our lives is circumstantial, so blaming ourselves isn’t the best option.
- You’re going to need some time to process your feelings.
- This could feel disorienting at first, but there’s absolutely no harm in mourning something that one has lost. In fact, it’s a healthy way to cope.
- You will need to eventually go back to check-in on your priorities for yourself.
Instead of asking “Why does this happen to me?”, ask yourself “Did I contribute in some way in letting this happen to me?”
Your sense of self-worth has been ‘bruised’ by this betrayal and you’re understandably trying to make sense of it right now. Be patient with yourself.
In fact, pain is nature’s preferred agent of change. It teaches us to be watchful and mind our surroundings in a way that we learn to always protect our own interests.
While your friend and boyfriend are responsible for their decision to behave in a manner that has hurt you, it is also your responsibility to learn to get better at negotiating the way in which you become a part of the lives of other people and the role you’re ‘usually assigned’ in most group settings.
- Are you too accommodative?
- Are you exceedingly naive?
- Are you usually not taken seriously by other people?
- Do you often get TOLD what you need to do?
- Do you not express your feelings with clarity?
You need to own up to your role in this situation. This is not easy to do.
Your presence in his life when his parents passed away was an extension of your feelings of care towards him and unfortunately, not all good deeds have the proportionate payoff, because human beings are temperamental and sometimes could also feel ‘entitled’ or be ‘ungrateful’ in general.
Know where you stand and take back control. Practice assertiveness, learn to say No ‘where it matters’.
Assess your own needs and never ignore them.
Apart from that, you could deal with the grief by keeping yourself busy, spending time with your close friends, prioritising your health (release those endorphins!), engage in some self-care (go for a short holiday or visit a spa) or tuck into your favourite show over a satisfying meal. Take that long walk and look up at the stars! There’s a world of infinite possibilities that awaits.
Know that this is the start of a great new adventure for you.
All the best