He loves me, so why does he have sex with the other woman?

Question:

Dear Prachi,

I met a guy through a friend and we instantly connected. But the problem is that he is already in a relationship with another girl. It is a FWB (friends with benefits) thing with her and he has clearly told her that he can’t marry her in any situation. Initially the girl agreed to these terms, but as time went by, she got attached to him. Meanwhile, he is getting close to me and also introduced me to his family members. His parents seem to be very lovely people. They showered me with so much love and included me in their family functions.

The problem is that we have never had physical relationship due to my medical issues (vaginismus). Hence, he still in a physical relationship with her and this is hurting me a lot. If he is very sure that he won’t be able to marry her (due to different religion, caste, language) why he is still talking to her? I tried to walk away from him a couple of times but it is very hard for me since his family is so close to me and he somehow manages to convince me. I can’t let him go, since he shows me so much love. What do I do?

Related reading: Does a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship actually work?


Hi Swetha,

This indeed sounds like a very tricky situation. It does sound like he thinks of you as the girl he wants to take home to his parents and sees a life with her. But, if I’m being completely honest, for a romantic relationship to be complete, sex is as important as love. Somehow we end up thinking that if a guy loves us, he wouldn’t want to think about sex all the time and spend more time on doing lovey-dovey stuff. The truth is that the more a man wants you in bed, the more he’s into you. It’s their way of showing their women how much they desire them.

At the same time, if, for some reason sex is missing from their primary relationship, they are also capable of compartmentalising and engaging in a purely physical relationship with another woman while being in love with one. It doesn’t mean that he loves you any less, but he’s simply taking care of his needs.

I suggest you to consult a good gynaecologist for your medical issue. Vaginismus is treatable and there’s no reason why you should have to live with it.

Until then, there are a lot of ways that you can bring sex into your relationship without penetration. Why don’t you explore them and get a little adventurous? This way you’ll be able to complete your relationship and keep your man solely to yourself!

All the very best!
Prachi