Why does he hide our relationship from our colleagues and friends?

Question:

Hi Madam,

I am writing this to you because I have lost my faith in the issues of love due to the previous relationship that I was in for almost 8 years. I decided to break up with my ex, as he was too suspicious of me. I was feeling suffocated and isolated from the world. I decided to break up after 6 years of being together, but that was an important period for his career so I decided to be with him for 2 more years (which meant more months of more mental abuse). Once he got his job offer I finally broke up, as by then I lost the hope that ‘everything will be fine soon’).

A few months back I fell for J. I love to talk to him and we connected well. Over time I came to know about his past relationships and about some of his crushes… and someone he was extremely fond of but not willing to confess that to her. I knew him, as he used to be my college senior. I told him that I kinda like him, it seemed that he was also kind of interested. We used to talk frequently over chat. A few months later I joined the same office that he was working in (he referred me there). He knew that I like him and I knew that he is also kind of interested, but we never crossed any line over that. From July 2018 we started to travel home and hang out together gradually and finally, we committed to each other.

But what is confusing me is that, I know his parents know about me… but he never tells any of his friends that he has a girlfriend, is this normal? He also does not want our office colleagues to know that we are together. Moreover, when in his locality, he refuses to walk hand in hand. Whenever a beautiful girl passes by, if we are holding hands he tries to leave my hands even if I don’t want to. That seems to be wrong to me. Am I being freaky?

He used to come up with some topics regarding his ex when we are together, that disgusts me. A few days ago I asked him if he still thinks about her and he said that there is nothing like that. He said that he loves me and he wants to be with me.

But you know as I told you about the faith concerning love is no longer there, I get confused about his nature. Please help me out if anything is wrong with me.

Mallika Pathak says:

Dear Young Lady,

Before I say anything else, I’d like to tell you how proud I am that you chose to end an abusive relationship. Most people ignore mental abuse and hold on to those toxic relationships in the hope that there will be a change. I’m glad you decided to take that leap and protect yourself.

As for your current relationship, considering that he has been vocal about being committed to you to the extent that his parents know, should be proof enough that he is in this for the long run. Having said that, I understand your insecurities as well. Him not telling his friends about the relationship can be freaky, but why not try and talk about it. I’ve always stressed that communication is the key to any healthy relationship. As far as the office goes, he may want to keep the personal relationship between the two of you at bay there, since he was the one that recommended you to get the job. Also, often people are not as comfortable with PDA in all places. If he refuses to hold your hand while in his locality, try and ask him why that would be. Talk to him, and assure him that this is not questioning his commitment to you, but is just a curious question in your head.

Don’t be afraid to accept your insecurities. In your past relationship, you got a lot of wounds. People can see the wounds of physical abuse, but only you can see the wounds of emotional abuse. And I know, the latter runs deeper. Try to do a few trust building activities with your partner. Involve yourself in each other lives, not by being together all the time, but by engaging in open and honest conversations.

Lastly, remember. This is a new relationship. This is not your previous abusive relationship. Don’t compare apples with oranges. Cherish what you have and take steps to strengthen it.

I give you my best,

Mallika