I have caught my husband having dirty chats with women several times. For him this is fun but for me it’s unbearable.
He doesn’t change his behaviour. Almost a year back I discovered he was chatting with a woman 24/7. Those chats were not just dirty and explicit but he also said to the woman that ‘she was his real wife and not me’. I was completely shattered but tried to manage. I took advice from some wise people I knew. I tried to detach myself. But when you’re staying together, it’s not possible. Though he tells me that he is not chatting with that woman any more, how does one believe a cheater? Please help me.
Snigdha Mishra says:
I understand. You know infidelity, cheating, etc. are not easily explainable. I’ll look at your example specifically and explain. The fact that your husband shares sexually explicit messages and is having an emotional/sexual virtual affair with these women is unbearable. Even though I do not know what your husband’s take on this is, let’s assume he thinks its okay because he’s not actually meeting these women but just fulfilling some fantasies he may have.
The definition of cheating is different for both of you. I know you’ve confronted him and told him how uncomfortable you are with all of this. But have you tried taking couples’ therapy/counselling?
Also, I don’t have any information about how your relationship, both sexual and emotional, is with your husband. I really can’t tell you how to trust a cheater. But you clearly don’t have an option but to do so if you wish a healthy relationship.
You’re absolutely right in saying that detachment is not an answer or an option. If something that your husband is doing is out of your relationship boundary for you, it will be difficult for you to take.
To start with, you can be as open with your husband about how his behaviour has affected you and how you feel about it. The only option you have is speaking openly and often to your husband about bringing the trust in the relationship back.
Both of you will need to go a little extra to build trust again. I strongly advise couples’ therapy to you both. If you need to trust him again, you have to keep telling yourself again and again that the past is past and you need to move on and give him a chance. You also need to give yourself the chance of moving on and building a relationship again.
All the best!