Husband walked out on children and me under the influence of my in-laws

Question:

Ours is a love marriage and we married 7 years ago. His family and my mother were living with us. His mom and dad were lazy but did not interfere in our things. But my sister-in-law wants money. She calls up my husband and says bad things about me and tells him to treat me like a slave and not to listen to me. My husband used to tell me not to get worried about it. He used to say, ‘I don’t listen to her na? So what’s the worry? My sister is like this only.’

In-laws did not take care of my kids, it was always my mother who did all the work. When I used to tell my husband he used to say, ‘Don’t worry, I will take care. I will help but will not ask my parents to join in housework.’

Over time, my husband started to listen more to his sister and has stopped talking to me. Twenty days passed. I asked him again, but he spoke badly about my mom and used foul language too. He said that she taught me to fight with him. I got angry and asked him to get out. He left along with his parents and returned after a month. My brother suggested then, that only we (husband and wife) should live together with the kids so that there are no triggers to any fights. We stayed as a nuclear family but in three months’ time, he said he wants his parents to be here with us.

They speak in such a way that they create an inferiority complex in my husband’s mind. I am also working and need someone to support me to do household work and to take of my 5-year-old and 1.5 year-old-daughter. But no one supports me. All of a sudden, my husband said, ‘My father will come’. I asked, ‘How can we manage to take care of him?’ He said that he would take care. I said, ‘No please, not again. Again it will create problems’. But my husband said that he will live with us only if his parents are here too. I said no and he left us all alone and we have been living separately for the past four months.

Now he says, I need to come to his family and say sorry. If I do that and accept that all the problems are because of me only – then only he will come home. But the reason for my outburst out is that his mother will always be remembering something and always talk badly about me to my neighbours and not even give proper food for my younger daughter. But he does not believe all these things. Now he is completely changed and only sides with his parents.

Before marriage and until last March 2017 everything was other way around. He used to accept his parent’s shortcomings and used to ask me to adjust. But now all of a sudden he is blaming me and my mom for everything. He says that I am important to him but he is in a different situation. He is not ready to come to a counsellor or third person. He says the problem creator is you (me) so do this, only then will I return, else leave it. And also, even if I apologise and take the blame for all problems and then if everyone comes back, I have to do what he says and not anything else. Please help me how to solve this issue. I am stuck.

Snigdha Mishra says:

Dear Stuck,

This is a very complicated situation. I mean there are too many people and dynamics involved. Can someone speak to you and your husband separately? I suggest that you take your time and think about:

A. The nature of the relationship with your husband currently?

B. Your expectation from him?

C. Your expectation from the relationship?

D. What are you ready to bring to the relationship?

E. Where do you see the relationship in 5 years?

F. Where do you see yourself in the relationship in 5 years?

G. What if you do apologise and he comes back to you? What then?

Please answer the questions considering the current scheme of things. Also please consider third-party intervention in this. Please understand that your husband is an adult. Words like ‘he is under someone’s influence’ and ‘listen to them’, etc. are okay when speaking about a child. If he’s an adult he has a mind of his own and the intellect to make decisions based on his values. He’s choosing to behave the way he is and no one is forcing him to. No matter how angry he may be with you, he’s also left his children and gone away. Even if you do consider that he’s under someone’s influence, what about his responsibility towards his children?

You have to be smart and protect yourself. You also have to think about your children’s welfare in providing them with a happy home. And most importantly you cannot force an adult grown man to come to his wife and children. Even if he is not seeing any reason right now, what option do you have but to wait for him or to let him be or let go?

You have to make the decision, no one can make it for you.

All the best!

Snigdha

https://www.bonobology.com/crimes-of-passion-when-anger-takes-over-the-mind/

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