It takes a lot of courage to come to terms with your sexuality. I know this because it took me several years to finally admit to myself that yes, I am attracted to boys as well as girls. The masculine energy is as appealing to me as the feminine aura.
If you have ever caught yourself with the thought “I think I’m bisexual”, continue reading my story to gain perspective on how to accept and embrace your sexuality.
Am I Bisexual Or Just Confused?
Table of Contents
Every single time, Sushant was the first one to leave the hotel room. He usually woke up first and generally had an early morning flight.
He tiptoed through the room, lest he disturbed the morning slumber of his sleeping wife. As he got dressed, he looked at the serene face, the lips that utter those sweet nothings that drove him crazy every time.
Just before leaving, he ran my fingers through her luscious black hair and gave her a gentle peck on the forehead, the slight telling half-asleep smile, aah! His heart went aflutter. Quietly, he clicked the last picture and left.
“My darling. I shall miss you so much….until next time!” He muttered to himself in the elevator.
That was Sush, Sushi, Sushant, my best friend, my childhood buddy, and now my lover for the last two years. It took me some time to come out of the closet, but yes, I’m bisexual, and very much in love with my best friend.
Related Reading: He was gay but happily married to his wife!
When I Discovered My Bisexuality
In my 30s, after several girlfriends and finally marrying Neha, I often felt a strong attraction toward younger good-looking men too. During a trip to Europe, I even tried experimenting with a young male sex worker, and I liked it.
But I also liked sex with women at the same time. Whenever home in Mumbai, I had sex with my wife almost every day. I’d loved watching heterosexual porn and romance, yet I felt a strong tug toward men always.
I couldn’t tell anyone, certainly not my traditional wife, and the guilt would have killed me, so I met a psychotherapist to whom I asked, “Am I bisexual or just confused?”, and he told me that liking both genders was completely normal.
I met Sushant again, two years ago after a gap of 20 years, in Delhi at the trade fair that he was attending as a professional food photographer, and I, as the VP of a leading brand of consumables. We were put up in the same hotel by the organizers. I was already married for three years; then, he was still single.
We did everything together
Sushant and I had grown up together in the same small-town neighborhood in Dehradun near Paltan Bazar. His family owned one of the biggest sweet shops there and my family the oldest cloth store. Both the families were very close, and everyone was friends with everybody.
A lot of our firsts, like school admission, first bicycle, first outstation picnic thus happened together. I had three older sisters and Sushant was the motherless kid in a huge joint family. His mom had passed away giving birth to him, so we both found lots of solace in each other.
During our teenage years, we both shared all our crushes and embarrassing moments of new sexuality. We were 15 or 16 when for the first time Sushant asked out loud, “Am I bisexual?” And then, coyly he said, “Deepak, I think I love you!”
I was shocked, so much so that not knowing what to say, I distanced myself from him for a while. High school, board exams, entrances, tuitions – there were ample excuses to maintain the distance for the next couple of years.
I was already dating a girl from school. He knew this, but still repeated the same thing whenever we happened to be alone somewhere. Given my semi-urban upbringing, I told him he should get himself treated; it isn’t normal. I felt bad saying this but I was so young and confused.
Then, we met again
And then two decades later, after a drunken night at the hotel, we both went to his room and downed a few more from the minibar. He told me about his various lovers and that he was now sure that he was gay.
After the therapist, Sushant was the only other person I told about my sexual longings for men. We were drunk, horny and emotional. Soon the clothes came off. For men in their 30s, we were both healthy and sexy.
Sushant had such a well-built muscular body, and I was still lean and fit. In that moment, I thanked the Gods above that I’m bisexual. His kisses were so desperate and macho like he could never have enough of me. I so craved this sweet roughness.
The magic of the flesh took over; it was the best sex ever of my life. The next day when sober, we talked about the implications. It was obvious that I was happy in my marriage too, but then I found a deep love and longing for Sush as well, simultaneously.
Related Reading: How a gay friend helped her accept herself as a lesbian
He said he didn’t want me to commit anything; we could steal as much love as we could from each other whenever, but he didn’t want his wife to find out. Now across cities and travel plans, we meet often, at his apartment in Delhi and in hotels in other cities. Nobody even blinks an eyelid, not even my wife; he is my childhood best friend for her.
The sex is always better than what we have in our heterosexual relationships, but Sush knows that I like getting physical with Neha too, and he is okay with it. So far, so good!
My phone pings, Sush is up. It’s a classy nude, the way I like him.
FAQs
If you are sexually attracted to both men and women, you are definitely bisexual.
It depends on your personality type. You may be headstrong or subtle, tomboyish or feminine.
If you’re a woman and are attracted only to people of the same gender, you are a lesbian. But if you get turned on by both men and women, you are bisexual.
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Wow! The narrative really pushes the envelope. Liked the way it has been penned. Love in all it’s rainbow colours and shades gets nurtured at the strangest of places. And I love that. Simply let LOVE BE. And to hell with the social conventions and stifling norms.
In a sexually claustrophobic society likes ours any kind of alternate sexuality is abhorred and detested.
Yet these narratives reassert that human sexuality does not follow any set patterns or even socially hetero-nomic expectations that expect only heterosexuality to be the norm.
More power to such stories of alternate love and sexuality.