Humans just love giving labels to things. Clicked a photo of your dog with its tongue sticking out? It’s a blep. A cat sitting with its paws tucked in is called “loafing”. Feel a twitch in your heart every time you think of a haunted house? There’s probably a Welsh word for that. Let a human loose in a house with a label-maker and you may suddenly discover your sneakers have a new name and it is “Bob”.
But not everything in life can be labeled like that, especially if it is something as amazing, twisted, and fickle as a feeling. But we still gotta try, right? Attaching a name to it gives us a sense of orientation and understanding. Through the years, we tried labeling what we feel, who we feel it for, and why.Â
Then the queers arrived on the scene. And blew all these boxes into confetti. So, when the labels of man, woman, male, and female stopped proving enough, we came up with new labels altogether. Gay, bi, lesbian, monogamous, polyamorous, and so and so forth. But that was still not enough. Another word was on its way.
The year was 2010. Christmas Day. In an online thread called Kaz’s Scribblings, a new term was born. Queerplatonic — not quite a relationship, but a relationship nevertheless. Not romantic, but kinda romantic. Friendship? Yes, but not really. You would think we wouldn’t try labeling something as vague as a queerplatonic relationship, but we humans are determined folk. Well, by the end of this post, not only will you know how queerplatonic partners work, but also know the answer to the question, “What does queerplatonic attraction feel like?”
What Is A Queerplatonic Relationship?
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First things first. Let’s clear the fundamentals and get them out of the way. A queerplatonic relationship is a partnership that exists between friendship and romance, yet goes beyond both. Your queerplatonic partner is your soul sister, your hand holder, tear wiper, and secret-keeper. They are your best friend and your partner-in-crime.Â
There are multiple ways to refer to such a relationship. You can call it a queerplatonic or quasiplatonic relation, a QPR, or a Q-platonic relationship. Or you can call them your marshmallow or your zucchini — because you can call them anything you like and society and its labels don’t have to define you folks. They may be your squish or a queerplatonic crush. Or just your honey cinnamon roll or some other odd name you come up with. But now, let’s dive into what the queerplatonic relationship vs. friendship dynamic looks like.
Related Reading: How To Tell If A Guy Is Interested In You Or Just Being Friendly – Decoded
Queerplatonic relationship vs friendship
Queerplatonic relationship examples show how boundless they can truly be, and that’s where they differ from friendships. You may cuddle, you may kiss, you may even have sex and get married. You may be with them because they complete you or be in a polyamorous relationship together. You plan your lives around one another, move cities to be around each other, and bring up children together. It may be fully platonic, somewhat romantic, and with all the sexual perks. These things don’t often come with regular friendships.
You can have it all or none at all. The terms and conditions are completely, irrevocably always in your control. There are no rules other than the ones that you set.
They may say that a queerplatonic dynamic is not real or healthy but, in truth, they are more intimate than friendships and go beyond heteronormative definitions of relationships. They are all about blurred lines and going beyond boundaries. Sound familiar? Are some queerplatonic relationship examples from your university batch already coming to mind? Or are you thinking about asking someone to be your queerplatonic partner?
That being said, let’s focus on whether you think you might be in a queerplatonic relationship currently or not. Is there any way to truly know if you are in one? There is and it’s called communication. But in case you want to make sure you are veering toward that territory before you have the big talk, I have made a list of 15 signs you may be in a queerplatonic relationship.
15 Signs You Are In A Queerplatonic Relationship
Everything’s fair in love, especially in a queerplatonic relationship as long as you both consent to it. What does it mean to be in a queerplatonic relationship? The basic idea is to have a deep, dorky connection that goes beyond traditional definitions but can often be a million times more fulfilling than a friendship or a relationship. Call it platonic love, or something beyond that.
1. You’re always, always excited to see each other
Maybe you are in a long-distance queerplatonic relationship and barely get to see each other. But even when you meet every day, even if you just got off the phone with each other, you’re somehow still excited to see them. Rolling off your butt to go do things may seem tiring usually, but not when it comes to them.
They can ask you to go a hike on Sunday when you just want to sleep in, and you may complain the entire way, but you are still gonna go. Because seeing their dorky, cheerful face just makes your day. That’s how much you absolutely love having them around and spending quality time with them!
One of the queerplatonic relationship examples, that we heard of right here at Bonobology, goes a little bit like this. Naya Anderson thought she was falling for her coworker Samuel. The two were always hanging out at the coffee shop close to work or hooking up at her house. The two never wanted to be in an exclusive relationship but could also never get enough of each other. From morning workouts to hitting the movies in the evening, these two did everything together and were nothing short of soulmates.
Related Reading: Do I Love Her? 30 Signs That Surely Say So!
2. You’re super protective of them
You can be protective of your friends and partner. But you may find yourself being especially protective of your marshmallow. You can’t bear it if they’re hurt. When they’re crying, you’re right beside them, holding a steamy mug of cocoa. When their ex messes with them, they have to physically restrain you from chopping their ex’s poor head off. You have literally no chill when it comes to them. And that usually translates to you wanting to go all John Wick on people who dare hurt them.
3. You finish each other’s sentences
You find them humming the song you were just thinking of. You start conversations right in the middle because even your train of thought matches each other so well. At this point, you don’t even need to say anything and can just converse with eyes. And not just converse, you two are also often flirting with your eyes when you see one another. Ugh, you guys are just adorable, aren’t you?
4. You find yourself dressing to please them
What does queerplatonic attraction feel like? It feels like you need to always look and be your best for them. Gone are the days when you couldn’t be bothered to get out of your sweats. Also gone are the days when no one’s opinion affected how you dress. No, you will now wear their favorite colors and dresses just to make your squish gasp in delight.Â
Queerplatonic relationship examples will often show you how the person always sparkles around their partner. They will do their hair, use some mousse, and even buy that fancy perfume! The need to impress here is real.
5. They’re always the first person you think of
They’re your friend and your soulmate, both in one. You call them when you get a new job. You also call them when you need to hide a body. They’re literally your partner-in-crime if the need arises. With them, you can be crass, comfortable, and clumsy, and can badmouth your boss when they try to exploit you.
You can complain about your mother. You can go all giddy over a new crush. Whatever is on your brain, they’re the first person you want to share that with. You know there’s no judgment there. Just pure, unadulterated support.
6. You get butterflies when they’re around
When they are around you, you react to them as you would to a crush. Queerplatonic partners are super cheesy that way. You get giddy and full of butterflies when they’re around. The tension between you two is unreal, even when you don’t harbor any sexual desires toward each other and never will.
So when you see them walking toward you or you catch them staring at you in the middle of class, your stomach will get giddy and your heart will sink. All in a good way though!
Related Reading: 11 Signs Your Crush On Friend Is More Than It
7. You share private jokes
They know everything. Your family, the state of your finances, what grandad left you in his will. And you joke about everything. So, get-togethers with friends are basically all about snickering at shared jokes that no one else gets and calling each other weird names. It’s honestly so sweet that you guys probably end up giving everyone in a 10-mile radius a sweet tooth. Â
8. Everyone thinks queerplatonic partners are together
You can’t be all over each other, always giggling together, always holding hands without causing a few raised eyebrows. And that’s because society is still trying to hold on to its heteronormative glasses for dear life. This is especially true if your marshmallow belongs to a gender other than yours.
To your friends and the world, your closeness can mean only one thing – that you’re together. And you are, just not in the way they like or understand. But that’s okay. Don’t mind their “jokes” and pointed comments. You do you, boo.
9. You can never shut up around them
As soon as you see them, you can’t help but say, “OMG, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this all day!” The thing with queerplatonic partners is that they always want to confide in one another. Perhaps, one can even say that this is the QPR vs romantic relationship difference out there. While in romantic relationships you can talk to your partner about everything, from your parents to the color of your big job in the morning, there are some topics that remain exclusively with friends.
In queerplatonic relationships, that inhibition is not there at all. You may usually be shy and quiet. But such traits go away when they are around. You both never run out of things to talk about and comment on. Healthy communication is important to any relationship, but with them, you are especially loud, unabashed, and extremely opinionated. And they love every bit of it.Â
10. They’re your number 1
If you’re thinking about asking someone to be your queerplatonic partner, it’s probably because you know that they are already your number 1. Even if you end up dating other people and have a host of other friends, they are always your number one priority. If it ever comes to a choice between your queerplatonic relationship vs your friendship or romantic relationship, you will probably not bat an eye before choosing them over everyone.
You abandon parties and concerts to be with them when they are sad. And you think the world is ending when they have a cold. And vice versa. If this is how dorky and weirdly co-dependent you both are, there is a high chance that you are in a queerplatonic relationship already!
11. You mimic each other all the time
Mimicking each other is often a sure-fire way to know that the attraction is mutual between the two of you. You do not mean to do it on purpose to mock them or make fun of them. That’s a different kind of imitation. This one happens more naturally. You’ll notice how in the middle of the day, you will find yourself acting or saying something exactly the way they do.
You will find yourself picking up on their mannerisms. You sit how they sit. You tilt your head like they do when confused. You start wearing the same colors. It’s possible that you even start conversing in the way that they do!
12. You may or may not have gotten drunk and made out
Queerplatonic relationship vs friendship? Well, you definitely have not done this in a friendship. If you have, then that’s not really even a friendship anymore.
You guys may be in a fully platonic relationship. But being that intimate with each other may leave you wanting a physical connection now and then. The sexual tension is going to be real. Or you may just have been drunk and in the mood for some loving. After all, a queerplatonic relationship may have platonic in its name, but that doesn’t mean it can’t involve some good old sex.Â
13. Your partner doesn’t like your zucchini
If you are dating someone, you may find that your romantic partner sometimes gets jealous of your zucchini. No, that’s not an innuendo. Romantic partners do sometimes find it hard to wrap their pretty heads around the idea of a queerplatonic relationship. Especially when they realize that they are less of a priority to you than your boo.
If that ever happens, sit them down and explain everything to them. If your partner is as wonderfully empathetic as they should be, they’ll understand. If they don’t, well, time to find a new boo I guess.
14. You wonder if it’s too much
What does queerplatonic attraction feel like? It’s not all love and excitement every single day. A lot of doubt creeps into these relationships as well. Sometimes, your awkwardness and anxiety catch up to you and you find yourself wondering if you tell them too much or are too intimate with them. That’s just society and its ingrained heteronormativity at work. Since none of us grew up expecting to find love and partnership in anyone other than our spouses, understanding such relationships may take some unlearning. But, know that no matter what society tells you, there is no one way to love.
If both you and your marshmallow find fulfillment in the relationship and aren’t bothered by the intensity of feelings and communication, it isn’t too much. What matters is that you both are comfortable. As long as there’s comfort, good communication, and understanding at play, your feelings and your relationship — they’re valid. Period.Â
15. You never have to explain yourselfÂ
That’s the most beautiful thing about this kind of a relationship. They just get you, sometimes better than you do. You may sometimes find yourself wondering if you are a good person or if something you did or said was right. But they’ll never doubt you. They’re your people — no questions asked. And they’ll get where you are coming from no matter what happens.
Yes, they may sometimes judge your life choices, but a lot of other people also do. Your queerplatonic partner, however, will be very different from others. They will still be in your corner, cheering for you as if their life depends on it. Trust us when we tell you, you really want them around.
So, take heart, people. No matter what life throws at you and how much society may question you, your marshmallow has got your back. And, honestly, aren’t we all secretly dying to have a connection like that?
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