Like any other relationship, marriages are tough until you get the jokes. Yes, marriage is part love and part compromise but mostly a series of jokes. And the jokes are not about how all marriages are dysfunctional, all husbands screw around, all wives are nags, like those flooding your social network pages.
Every couple goes through more or less similar phases, scenarios and conversations with a few laughs here and there. My husband and I are no exceptions. The scenes of our life couldn’t be funnier if written by a comedy sketch writer. Don’t believe me? Then read on. Some scenes may feel familiar because we’ve all been there.
Scenario 1: At the restaurant ordering food
Husband (to the waiter): And no dessert for me.
Me (to the waiter): Two cream caramels for me.
Husband: What? Two for you!
Me: No. Only the second one is for me.
Husband: And the first one?
Me: For you.
Husband: I WILL NOT EAT A SWEET!
Me: Yeah, yeah. You say that till sweets come to our table then you demolish the sweets.
Scenario 2: At home ordering food for delivery
Husband: What do you want to order?
Me: You decide.
Husband: You decide.
(This goes on for some time.)
Husband: You decide.
Me: NO, YOU DECIDE! I am tired of deciding all the time. Which brand of oil to buy, whether to fire the maid, how to passive-aggressively torture kids, what to cook…
Husband: Just chill, yaar! I will order. So which restaurant I should order from?
Related reading: Couples that laugh together
(No reply, only a scream like a rocket taking off.)
Scenario 3: In the mall, while shopping, there is a loud thud and things tumble down
Me: Oh God! Let the culprit be someone else’s kids!
Husband: Yes, God, please!
In unison: Whom are we kidding, it can’t be anyone other than our brats.
Scenario 4: After shopping, at home
Me: I got this top.
Husband: You have like 50 tops.
Me: But this is straight cut with digital print and in red. Red is perfect for my skin tone.
Husband: But you told me purple is perfect for your skin tone.
Me: Oh, that was in 2015. Red is more of my colour in 2016. What did you get?
Me: What? Another pair of black trousers? You already have three black trousers. That is your total stock of trousers.
Husband: Yes, because they are suitable for all skin tones, all years, and all shirts.
Me: Yeah, all your three blue shirts!
Scenario 5: At the end of a busy day
Me: The maid didn’t come, so I had to wash the dishes, then the neighbour came. Do you know they have nanny cams in every child’s room? If we do that, our kids will kill us. I could not read much but my blog post on ‘Post-Apocalypse World without Maids’ is shaping up nicely. Then the children came home from school…
(And so on for another fifteen minutes.)
Husband: I went to work. I ate lunch.
Scenario 6: At the end of another busy day
Me: At the Parent-Teacher Meeting our daughter’s teacher said she is not responsible enough. Why is she like this? At her age, I was taking care of younger siblings.
Husband: She is not like me either. At her age, I was doing grocery shopping.
Me: Oh, and her teacher said she is very good with the keyboard. She is just like me. I have always been the arty type.
Husband: But you are not good with instruments. I have always been natural at instruments. She is just like me.
Scenario 7: The wife’s late-night TV watching
Husband: Here, I’ve got popcorn for you.
Me: Why, suddenly?
Husband: To cheer you up.
Me: How on earth did you know I am upset?
Husband: You are not shouting at the stupid life decisions of the characters.
Scenario 8: Both retire to bed. There is no talking, only tapping on their phone.
Me (texting): Earthquake in Italy.
Husband (texting): Already read. Minister X caught red-handed.
Me (texting): Way ahead. Read yesterday. Check out celebrity X has surprised his wife with a Bahamas vacation out of blue. Relationship goals!
Husband (texting): Out of the blue, huh! He was caught cheating. Will sleep now. Sweet dreams.
Me (texting): Sweet dreams.
Scenario 9: Midnight
No conversation, because the competition of ‘who will last longer in pretending to sleep deeply while the baby is howling’ is on. The loser has to tend to the baby.
Scenario 10: At home
Husband: I am thinking of a classy party for your birthday next week. We can invite our close friends and you can show off your latest designer acquisition.
Me: Sounds like a good idea.
Husband: Or we can order Chinese and binge-watch Stranger Things on Netflix.
Me: YOU ALWAYS GET ME, DUDE!
The scenarios, the conversations and the jokes continue day after day. The real joy of marriage lies in laughing at the jokes with your spouse.