Just because I’m outgoing, good looking and know how to show men a good time – my friends assume I am the perfect candidate to go on raunchy gay polyamory adventures. I’m in my 20s and these are indeed supposed to be the roaring and naughtiest years of my life. But somehow, seeing multiple men at once is just not something I’ve ever enjoyed doing.
“I don’t understand why you’re single, Eric! Are you telling me that none of the guys here have been interested in you or vice-versa at some point?” asked a friend, as she gestured to the long dinner table of gay men seated in front of us. I sighed deeply as I thought about how to answer this question that I’m often asked.
Gay Polyamory: Is It Right For Your Gay Relationship?
First, this community of gays is so small and almost everyone at that table has had sexual contact with everyone else at some point. They are veterans of gay polyamory and that makes me already scared to indulge.
I don’t have issues with people having voracious sexual appetites and indulging in regular sex, I’m just not keen to follow that path on my own. If I did, it would make me emotionally uneasy. Getting into a gay poly relationship is just something I’m not entirely comfortable with because the idea of having more than one sexual partner frightens me a little.
Second, in all honesty, I’m actually a monogamous soul. It’s a lifestyle choice because, for me, a strong emotional connection is essential to enjoy sexual intimacy. So the common tap-and-go lifestyle wouldn’t suit me. I wish it did because then life would be so much easier. But sadly, gay polyamory or even picking up a hot guy at a bar is just not for me.
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I don’t have anything against gay polyamorous dating
Before you call me a prude or consider me judgmental, please know that I do not have anything against gay polyamory. To each, their own. I’m glad people are able to enjoy dating and relationships in such a new and open-minded manner. But my issue is more personal and deep-seated.
My own ideal, serious relationship would be monogamous, but the gay community and culture today are predominantly polyamorous. The issue that irks me most is the lack of transparency around it. Yes, people claim to be in a monogamous relationship, only to cheat on their partner after a year of being together.
Some people think they are in a monogamous relationship, when in fact they are in a polyamorous one. They just haven’t yet found out about their partner’s extra-curricular activities or they just prefer to turn a blind eye and hope that things will get better in time. The polyamorous gay community is partly a dishonest one which is my only concern.
Why is that so? When one can simply say the truth and claim to be in a gay poly relationship? But most (not all – before I get attacked!) successful gay relationships today are only so because they are polyamorous. I know this because I’ve been observing the community and its couples for over a decade. While I’m happy that this type of lifestyle works for a lot of people, it doesn’t work for me.
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A gay poly relationship is not for me
I wouldn’t be comfortable with my partner being fondled or groped by other men. I wouldn’t be at ease at a dinner where everyone talks about how they slept with my man first or who did what with whom.
“We just kissed – it was nothing – we are just friends.” I’m sorry, but I don’t French kiss my friends nor do I sleep with them when I am bored or horny. I’m just not made for gay polyamory.
I wouldn’t be comfortable with my man running after other men and seeing to their needs at a party at the cost of ignoring me. I can’t sit at a table while my boyfriend sits on the opposite end and shares the food he ordered, with another guy. I will never be one of those couples who tried a threesome.
Most gays these days are very nonchalant about these things, to the point that if you enter a room with someone, they will tell you who they slept with and what they did with that person/s. Does polyamory work? Sure. But put me into that equation and it is a no-no. The gay community is a very kiss-and-tell kind of community and I don’t mind it, because it allows me to make a mental note of who to avoid.
I’m looking for forever
I’ve never aspired to have multiple bedroom partners or enter casual hookups. I’ve always wanted to meet a guy, date him, fall in love, marry him, build a home and life with him.
Things like kisses, affection, and sex are special moments that I want to share with someone who means something to me. If I share my sexual nature or my love with everyone who throws me a bone, there would be nothing special to share with someone I genuinely care for. What value does my “I love you” have if I’ve said it to a different guy every three months?
And finally, I just can’t handle the idea of being cheated on again. I know that I won’t emotionally and psychologically survive another case of infidelity. Gay polyamory only makes that fear worse for me.
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I am scared of getting hurt
My last relationship was the death of me. I’ll never forget that night. I sat and cried my eyes, heart and soul out after finding out about my ex’s multiple infidelities in the course of our three-year relationship. It changed me in a way that I couldn’t have imagined.
I’ve seen this happen to many people. I’ve watched the light in their eyes fade as their partner finds a new chair to sit on in this game of musical chairs and I realized that I can’t be part of this game because love isn’t a game and a person’s emotions aren’t either. No offense to the polyamory gay community, I just know with experience that gay polyamory takes strength and perhaps I just do not have it.
I’m okay with the possibility that I’ll be happily single for the rest of my life. I know my worth because I have had to rebuild myself over and over. I know what I can’t handle and I won’t fool myself into thinking that I’m guaranteed a happy fairy-tale ending.
Before you approach me, know that I won’t be another name you can cross off in that black book of guys you banged. I won’t play this game with you. I’d rather sit out and be emotionally safe and devote my love, time and soul to a worthwhile investment: Me.
Sure they can. It is all about the openness one is willing to share and the boundaries of commitment that one has established. Specifically, right now, the polyamorous gay community is booming.
Technically no. The LGBTQ+ umbrella consists of sexual identities and preferences. Polyamory is different for it is a lifestyle choice of deciding to be with multiple people at once.