Being a healer with a psychology background brings all kinds of people flocking to you with their pain, problems and secrets – wanting to be healed and looking for answers. It is a gift that I both accept and fear, for such knowledge can sometimes be too much of a burden. The story of Aidan, however, of being gay and married was refreshing despite being complex.
Being the only male child of his extended family, his family members were always looking forward to him getting married. After much resistance, he relented. Ten years later, he confessed to his wife that he was gay. It’s 20 years since their marriage took place and they are actually one of the happiest couples around. I was taken aback – how could this happen? Talking to Aidan, I understood how love and commitment can help people surmount the most difficult of circumstances.
Gay Men Married To Women
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Sounds bizarre right? But unfortunately, this is the sad reality of many gay men that we know. Afraid of coming out, these men prefer to just stick to what is considered a normal lifestyle in society in order to steer clear from scrutiny and discrimination.
Being gay and married to a woman can indeed be a harrowing experience because one always feels a sort of inconsistency in their lives. While they might find a best friend in their partner, they do still feel like they are missing out on true love and a happy ever after. Read below about Aidan’s story about being gay and married straight.
Related Reading: 8 things that straight and gay couples do differently
It took 10 years
For 10 years Aidan didn’t tell his wife that he was gay. He felt she already had a fair idea but never touched the issue. Nor did she confront Aidan about her suspicion. She was happy being his wife and didn’t want to rock the boat – or so he felt. He didn’t want to tell her lest it took her dignity away and forced her to move out.
The last thing he wanted was to crush her by telling her the truth and taking away her right to denial. It almost seemed like she didn’t want to know; as long as she didn’t know, she would be fine.
In those many years, Aidan stayed by her side, refusing every emotion that he had deprived her of. If he couldn’t give her the companionship of a partner, he too deprived himself of any extramarital affairs.
Twice he was attracted to other gay married men who wanted a relationship with him, but he stepped back. For him, the marriage was for keeps and it was sacrosanct. Yes, it took immense strength not to give in to the desires but he accepted that being gay and married to a woman was his reality now.
Related Reading: How To Build A Healthy Gay Relationship
He did his best even though he was gay and married
Being the kind of person he was, Aidan ensured that everything that was close to his wife’s heart, he made his own. Just the way she embraced his family, he made her family his own. There was nothing he would do for his own parents that he would not do for hers. He became a son to them instead of a son-in-law. In 10 years they built a world together that belonged to both of them. That would become the firm foundation of their happy marriage.
The only thing that gnawed at his heart was the truth that he held back from her. He wanted her to know somehow and accept him the way he was. And he got that chance when he sent his wife for an outstation workshop on personality development. He was aware the workshop helped people to open up within a group of strangers and hoped she would. She did. Two days after her return, she finally asked Aidan.
Related Reading: When I got married to a gay man
In fact she asked three questions. One, if he was gay (yes but he only realized it on the wedding night); two, if he wanted her to leave (no, there was no question of that) and three, if he was happy in the marriage (yes, he was happy in the marriage but sometimes miserable thinking he was unable to make HER happy). His final words took away all her pain when he said that he considered her his best friend and he never wanted to lose that.
They got over him being gay and married to a woman
The beauty I saw in their relationship was the lack of ego, the lack of any desire for blame shifting or wanting to hurt each other and their desire to give priority to the marriage instead of their own individual needs. It isn’t an extraordinary marriage; like any other couple they fight, disagree, refuse to agree when there was a difference of opinion. What IS extraordinary is the way they rose above themselves to accommodate each other in the marriage.
Despite being an unfortunate circumstance of being one of the gay men married to straight women, they both saw each other as individuals rather than romantic partners.
For them, marriage wasn’t about sex, about spark, about children, about rights, about money or importance. It was about companionship, about growing to love each other rather than falling in love. It was about being there for each other; about holding hands tightly through any storm. Perhaps that is what marriage is all about! At least for them it was even though he was gay and married.