He says he likes me and will date me for two years but cannot marry me. What should I do?

sad confused lady

Hello ma’am,

I have a different kind of boyfriend problem!

I am a 21-year-old woman and he is 25 years old. He will get married in 2 years. He said he likes me and I also do but he can’t marry me. But I am the kind of person who always looks for marriage. He is saying that we will be in a relationship until he gets married. I really like him. But I can’t compromise on my core idea of marriage. Is there any middle path?

Kavita Panyam says

Dear Lady,

From your query, it appears that both of you are looking in different directions. Your ultimate goal is marriage and for him as well, but not with you. He wants you to stay in a relationship with him for two years till he gets married and then end the relationship.

Have you accepted this condition of your boyfriend? Are you okay with him leaving you after two years? What about emotional entanglements? Can you bear to see him settled with his wife while you are single and lonely? Have you tried to find out why he can’t marry you? Is the reason genuine?

Relationships are tough to end as time progresses. The very fact that you have sought advice on this issue says you are pondering over the conditional relationship your boyfriend wants from you. You like him, that is fine; but the fact is that there is no future in this relationship for you. Have you wondered how your boyfriend can walk away from you after two years? If his clarity on this issue is so high, it is time for you to take a reality check on whether the relationship is genuine or otherwise. If you have gone physical with him, there is every likelihood of that being the focal point of his reasons to stay for two years and leave you after he gets married. Also, he is very clear that he doesn’t want any nuisance in his married life. Where does that leave you?

Here is what is likely to happen under both scenarios:

If you choose to stay with him for two years:

1. Though you will be with him for some more time, your insecurity and worry are likely to increase with every passing day.

2. Feelings of jealousy, envy, low self-worth and low self-esteem may play havoc with your mental make-up.

3. Fights between you both might increase as you may begin to question his decision from time to time.

4. The whole relationship might begin to seem volatile. You might get entangled in it further and the way out might seem bleak.

5. Peace, joy and happiness might elude you, landing you in stress and severe anxiety.

6. You might begin to resent him silently as time goes by.

7. The fact that he would dedicate his life to his wife after marriage might make you feel used and hollow.

8. You might end up in depression.

9. Your dream of getting married and settling down would only get further pushed away.

If you choose to end the relationship:

1. You will mourn the loss of the relationship for some time.

2. Feelings of unworthiness might crop up.

3. You would feel lonely and sad for a while..

4. You might miss the physical intimacy.

5. You will have saved yourself from further torment and stress, as watching him leave you to get married to someone else would not be easy.

6. You would have the chance to find a nice guy and get married, which is your ultimate goal.

7. The chance to lead a better and uncomplicated life will become possible.

8. Peace and joy would return eventually.

Your goal is marriage and you say he can’t give you that. What are your options in that case? There is no middle path, as it does not lead to your goal. So, either change your goal of marriage to be with this guy till he wants you or find another guy who shares similar goals and is ready to marry you. You will know which option suits you best and matches your goal. Hope this helps.

Best,
Kavita

https://www.bonobology.com/when-a-wife-and-mother-goes-on-vacation-by-herself/
https://www.bonobology.com/we-were-a-perfect-family-till-sex-lies-and-drugs-destroyed-us/
https://www.bonobology.com/the-young-man-i-could-not-refuse/