Commitment phobia is recurrent among the millennials and that is somewhat related to the lack of clarity about what they want for themselves. Love, over the years, has changed and is not just black and white anymore. Finding love or being pushed into finding love in India is somewhat a common thing; it is part of the culture where we are pushed to marry or have kids. Regressive as it is, it kind of destabilizes the essence of what love could have been if not pushed. Relationships often work, if you are lucky enough. But you could be the kind who can’t see himself/or herself in a long-term committed relationship. No need to blame yourself. There are many like you who feel the same. But here are some pointers that you should heed.
Relationships are not like your average Bollywood movie where you get to have background scores for each of your moments and a dance number to your lover’s heart. It is more like biting yourself and then realising that you need to be a bit more self-aware. Relationships can give you some ground-breaking reality checks that could help you understand yourself better.
What Does It Mean To Be In A Committed Relationship?
To understand commitment-phobia we have to first understand the signs of a committed relationship. Anjum and Ravi were dating for 10 years. They believed theirs was a committed relationship because they were always together, they understood each other well and everyone presumed that after such a long dating period it was inevitable that the two would get married. Ravi was every bit the committed boyfriend. He always made time for her after work and they met every evening, on the weekends they would often hang out with friends and Anjum was as much a part of Ravi’s family as Ravi was a part of Anjum’s family. They got invited to family gatherings and were there for each other through happiness and ill health.
Their relationship had all the signs of commitment but things started taking a turn when Anjum brought up marriage. Ravi started developing cold feet. He wanted the relationship to be the way it was and didn’t want to take it forward. So while he was a committed boyfriend he was not ready to become a husband. How do you know if you have commitment issues? We will talk about the signs, actually the red flags that many people often ignore in a relationship.
Related Reading: 15 Signs A Commitment-Phobe Loves You
10 Ways To Tell If He Or She Is Not Ready For A Committed Relationship
The signs of a committed relationship could be apparent but there are levels of commitment. As we mentioned in the Anjum-Ravi relationship Ravi was ready to be a committed boyfriend but as soon the question of sharing the same roof came up, he started showing the signs that he was not ready for the final commitment. What are the signs that a person is not ready for commitment? If you are not ready for a committed relationship you will show these signs.
1. You are insecure all the time
You lack relationship readiness because you are insecure. You keep worrying about the future, worrying your partner might leave you or it might not work out so you don’t don’t to step into a committed relationship. Insecurities can only be somewhat diminished if you get an ample amount of validation but it gets toxic at some point. Your constant insecurity does not allow you to commit in a relationship.
Love is not a bouquet full of validation, it is something else entirely and unfathomable to begin with. But if you are looking to fill a void inside you with people’s validation, then you are probably unaware that you already have that dormant love inside you. You always have to find it or rather buy it yourself. This also means that you are seeking emotional dependency, which is quite fair, but complete dependency is harmful to you. But when you find someone who is there unconditionally, then you will realise that you don’t need emotional dependency.
2. You don’t like sharing things
I mean, it really is okay to not share things, but there should be a deeper understanding of this problem.
Sharing is something that we have been taught by our peers or parents. It is a symbol of generosity and shows that you care about the person you are sharing with.
If you are not ready to share then it’s an absolute red flag. Your generosity can only emerge once you love someone ardently enough to share Maggi with them. Then you will know you are probably ready for a committed relationship.
Related reading: 8 things that are OK to NOT share with your partner
3. You still have unresolved feelings
This is where we fumble the most and it is just a part of being a human being. Unresolved feelings are like a ghost; you can always cut that person off, but what do you do with the ghost? Do you let it haunt you? Yes, you do and unless you find closure for yourself, you can’t make it work with someone else. You need to bite down and do what is required; you know exactly what to do. Follow your instincts.
4. You’re waiting for the right person without looking out for them
You always have the right person around you and maybe you are taking them for granted. You can be an entitled prick, but taking the right person for granted will only cause more trouble for you.
Nothing is flowery and poetry is not just about love, so go out and be a bit self-aware when you are looking for the right one. If you still have doubts, then write down what you need in that “right” person and then proceed. It will take you a lot of dates and might even take a year or so. But it won’t be hard for you to find the right person, unless you really don’t want things to work.
5. You have major commitment issues
People lack the courage to admit this, but this issue is not to be trivialised.
Commitment is the step that breaks the water down to its molecular level. It is indeed a step where you learn to know that you are not alone anymore. Just do a routine check and see if you are okay with the idea of someone being in that very routine you follow each day. Start getting used to that feeling of having someone around and then you will slowly learn to steer clear of commitment phobia.
Start getting used to that feeling of having someone around and then you will slowly learn to steer clear of commitment phobia.
6. You want to take your own decision
Being with a person means that you have to take a lot of decisions keeping their likes and dislikes in mind. It could start from the restaurant you choose to something more serious as investing in an apartment together. While you might be happy with a small apartment your partner might push for a big one. You resent the fact that you cannot take your own decision. This is a sign that you are not ready for commitment.
7. You are looking for perfection
This is something you will never find and you know that in your heart too. But looking for the perfect person to date or marry allows you the excuse that you give yourself that you haven’t found the right person yet. But face it. The reality is you are not ready to commit so under the garb of looking for perfection you are feeding your commitment phobia.
8. Looks matter to you
You care about how the person looks. You want the person you date or marry to look picture perfect. This is another unrealistic expectation. And you keep benching dating hoping the next person you meet would be the most good looking one, the person of your dreams. This is nothing but avoiding the commitment that you would need to give if you get into a steady relationship with anyone.
9. You want your privacy
Committing to someone in a relationship does not mean sharing email or social media passwords but it does mean that you share your privacy with the person. It’s normal that they would want to know where you are on the weekend or what time you got home from work. They could turn up at your home whenever they want to for a cuddle on the couch. But you want your privacy to watch Netflix alone in your boxers. This is an absolute tell-tale sign that you are not ready for commitment or to share your life with anyone.
10. You are always counting money
How do you know if you have commitment issues? The answer is the very thought of spending that extra dime on your partner on a date, holiday or at a dinner makes you unhappy. You feel good about stashing your money in the bank and spending it as less as possible. The thought of commitment freaks you out because that would mean spending more money to surprise your partner. If you are thinking this way all the time it’s best you stay away from a committed relationship.
Falling in love is indeed the best feeling ever, but being in love is different entirely. Your love is there and not there at the same time, because it all depends on your way of perceiving things. Compromise, but do it unconditionally, so that it won’t come back to haunt your conscience. If you have to commit then do it whole-heartedly and only when the doubts have dissipated.