If you think experiencing a lack of intimacy in a relationship is hard, think again! The turmoil seems to double when you have to have the awkward conversation about “it”. However, things don’t have to be this way. There can be a scenario in which you both have an open conversation about this and come out of it as a stronger married couple. Marriage is challenging and sometimes monotonous. There are times where you can feel your relationship stagnating. A lack of intimacy can be one of the major reasons for this.
You want to talk to your wife about a lack of intimacy but can’t figure out how to approach the subject. Here are 8 things that can guide you.
8 Ways To Talk To Your Wife About Lack Of Intimacy
If you find yourself wondering, “How do I talk to my wife about a sexless marriage?” and if a sexless relationship is causing depression to one of the individuals in the relationship, it is time to talk things out. The longer you avoid this conversation, the worse the situation will get. If you can’t figure out how to talk about intimacy in marriage with minimal conflict, refer to the 8 points below for assistance.
1. Make sure you are in a stable mind space
You are angry and frustrated and in this rush of emotions, all you want to do is spill your heart out. Stop yourself right there. No good ever comes out of having a conversation fuelled by anger. Facing a lack of intimacy is a sensitive topic and should always be dealt with the utmost care. Anger has a way of ruining most things, don’t let it ruin your marriage. Only have this conversation when you are in a calm space of mind.
2. Make sure your partner is comfortable
Before you decide to dive into the conversation, make sure your wife is comfortable. Pick a place where you are both are at ease. Ensure she is comfortable with her surroundings and completely relaxed. A calming atmosphere will have a lot to do with the way she reacts. You can also choose to take her out for coffee or even a few drinks.
Related reading: 6 signs your partner truly loves you – signs we almost always miss
3. Don’t bring it up completely out of the blue
It is best to not surprise her by dropping a bombshell totally out of the blue. Forewarn her! Let her know that there is something that has been bothering you that you would like to discuss with her. She has the right to know about the context of the conversation/outing beforehand and not be caught completely off guard.
4. Don’t beat around the bush
We understand that this is no easy task. Chickening out and distracting yourself with other topics might seem lucrative right now. But in the long run, this will only make things worse. Avoid beating around the bush and stick to the topic at hand.
It would be helpful to pre-plan the conversation and even rehearse it so you know what exactly you want to say and you don’t end up sidestepping what’s actually important.
This brings us to the next point.
5. Be clear, honest and open
So, how to talk to your wife about lack of intimacy? By being clear, honest and open! You have dipped your toe in the water, it is now time to dive in. While you divulge deeper into the conversation, make sure you are clear, honest and open. Don’t talk in riddles. You know what you want and she has the right to know too. You know you’re experiencing a lack of intimacy, be honest about it. When intimacy is gone in a relationship the only way you can put your point across successfully is by being completely open with her.
6. Don’t play the blame game when it comes to lack of intimacy
You need to tread carefully as this is delicate ground. Blaming and throwing accusations is not the way to go. Instead, try making suggestions. Tell them something you like doing with them and weave in something else you would like to explore. This is not an opportunity for you to point out your partner’s flaws and insecurities. Instead, it is a chance to have a healthy conversation about how you both can grow as a couple and mutually enhance your intimate moments.
7. Hear her out and understand her perspective
Now that you have communicated your bit, it is your time to listen. Make sure you’re really listening. She will try to make you see things from her PoV. It is your responsibility as her partner to understand her perspective.
She may be facing certain issues which could be the reason behind the lack of intimacy. You need to acknowledge and recognise these issues and work upon them.
8. Come to a mutually agreed upon conclusion
After you both have put forth your views, it’s time to figure out a plan of action and come to a conclusion. This should be something that is agreed upon by both parties. You have to find a middle ground that is mutually beneficial. Don’t feel dejected if you don’t get everything your way. Any relationship entails compromise. What counts is the fact that you made progress as a couple.
So you’ve finally had the talk but unfortunately, you figure out that your partner does not want to be intimate. How do you deal with this? Read on…
What To Do When Your Partner Does Not Want To Be Intimate
There can be multiple reasons for a partner not wanting to be intimate. They can be complex reason arising out of deeply nested issues or just a lack of comfort.
If your wife or partner tells you that they are facing problems with intimacy, your role is to support them. Working on the marriage and helping them understand why this may be happening is the way to go forward. Here are a few tips.
1. Check yourself
Reflect upon your behaviour. Try to remember if you did something to make your partner uncomfortable or upset. This may have led to a lack of intimacy. You can also ask your partner if you have caused them discomfort in any way. If you have hurt them, you cannot blame them for not wanting intimacy.
2. Get a change of space
Sometimes we get so caught up in the web of routine we barely realise we need a break. It is a possibility that you and your partner could use a change of space. Plan a couples’ retreat. A relaxing vacation can do wonders to fix a lack of intimacy. It is also a great way to uplift your spirits if you feel like a sexless relationship is causing depression. You will return from your trip rejuvenated, relaxed and closer than ever.
Related Reading: 5 places in India you should go to for your next vacation!
3. Give them time
A major reason why your wife or spouse is unwilling to be intimate could be stress. It could be stress related to work/in-laws/relatives/friends or a billion other reasons. Even a marriage involves a lot of emotional investment. When intimacy is gone in a relationship, sometimes the best thing to do is to give your spouse time. They might need some time and space by themselves to get back on track. Be as supportive as you can but remember to not be pushy. Give them breathing space. You can help by getting them vouchers for a spa or salon to really help them unwind.
Related Reading: If You Really Want To Make Your Wife Happy Give Her Some Me Time
4. Understand them
Try to understand why your partner is facing this issue. Talk it out with them and see if you can identify the core reason behind their unwillingness to be intimate. Once you’ve identified the reason, you can both work upon it. When intimacy is gone in a relationship a lack of understanding between partners will worsen the situation.
5. Consult an expert
If you have tried everything but nothing seems to work, it may be time to consult an expert. There might be deeper issues related to lack of intimacy that you might not be able to address but an expert can. You can consult a therapist who can help you both when intimacy is gone in a relationship. They will help you deal with your issues in a healthy manner. Many times we don’t even realise we need expert help till it’s too late. If you are facing problems in your marriage, here are 10 ways marriage counselling can solve your issues .
Lack of intimacy can be a bump in a relationship but it’s nothing you can’t get past. With understanding, love and support, you can overcome this barrier and go back to the way things were. This is just one of the challenges in a marriage that brings you closer together.
We hope you now know what to do when your partner doesn’t want to be intimate.
Don’t worry, there is light at the end of the tunnel!