Struggles and Scars

What if you’re just the ‘backup’ plan?

Are you thinking that you're only a backup person for someone who is important to you? Here's a checklist to see if that is true
Back up plan

There’s Plan A, the one we spend so much time perfecting and then there’s Plan B, a second-best option we keep on stand-by but really hope we don’t have to resort to.

This happens, sadly, even in personal relationships. Perfectly smart folks get fooled into thinking they are someone’s Plan A when in fact they’re just a backup if things don’t work out. Question is, are you being fooled too?

Well, here’s that 6-point checklist for you right now so you can find out whether you’re truly someone’s first choice or just their sloppy seconds:

1. All take and no give

You may be blind in love, but keep your eyes peeled for signs that the object of your affection is constantly making demands but offering precious little in return. It could be their time they’re selfish with while never respecting yours, or favours they ask of you but never return; be wary of users.

Related reading: How I lost my identity while I was busy building my husband’s life

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2. Always on call

Unless you’re a doctor or fireman, there’s absolutely no need for your number to be on anyone’s speed dial if they’re not always available for you. Notice how there are impromptu requests for catching that latest flick or going impulse shopping when their other friends are busy? Or how they randomly pop over for cooking an exotic meal when you had no plans to do anything but curl up with pizza in front of the TV? If they rarely call ahead but always screen your calls, time to pay attention.

Related reading: My husband is cutting me off socially

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3. Band-aid compliments

You’ve known the difference between genuine and fake compliments for years yet you go deaf when this person leads you on with small, stray praise-phrases only when they feel your attention is fading. They never say anything straight to your face for fear you might think you’re too precious to them. Instead, they ensure that you feel appreciated just enough so you don’t walk away.

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4. Wishful thinking

There will be those days when they act all reflective and make comments about how they should ideally be with someone like you. They start to list reasons why you’re so good for them and how they would be so much happier if they simply settled down with you. While you may smile indulgently and look faintly embarrassed, they never get to the point where they actually commit to this. They just leave it hanging in the air, like your hopes.

Related reading: How to deal with a controlling husband?

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5. Eye on you

So, they claim they like their space and they don’t really want to be tied down, but they sure know how to keep you on a leash. It may just be a digital one with where they monitor your social media activity or they may schedule regular chats where they want the deets on what you’re up to when they’re not around. They never dish the dirt on their own deeds and evade your questions about the same.

Related reading: My husband acted very liberated but tried to control all aspects of my life

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6. Warming the bench

And you do notice that they have a full social life indeed, one that doesn’t include you! This even extends to them casually dating random people while never actually formally asking you out. Funnily, the day you decide to go on a date, they freak out and pretend to care about your safety. Whether this means questioning you about your date’s motives or demanding a background check, they act like a person would have to be evil or insane to date you. They just want to ensure you are single and available for them.

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If you’re nodding while reading even 2 of these 6 points, chances are you’re stuck in a compromising situation and are most definitely someone’s back up relationship. That is, you will always be a second choice. This person has no intention of letting you go, to be free to live your own life and meet someone who will put you first.

struggles n scars native

You may have a thousand justifications for why this is the way it is but honestly, why do this to yourself? You deserve better.

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