Umkami Uhlale Ethukuthele Futhi Engajabule: Izizathu Nezindlela Zokubhekana Nazo

Cabanga ngalokhu: Wenza okusemandleni akho—uya emsebenzini, usize ngemisebenzi yasekhaya, ukuba khona nezingane—kodwa umkakho usawathola amaphutha futhi akalokothi aphuthelwe ithuba lokukwazisa. Ukuphila esikhathini esifana nalesi, lapho umkami wayehlala ethukuthele futhi engajabule, kwakuyisenzakalo esicindezelayo ngokomzwelo esangishukumisela ukuba ngijule ekushintsheni okuyinkimbinkimbi kobudlelwane. Ngalezo zikhathi ezinzima, ikhaya lethu laba inkundla yempi yokukhungatheka okungashiwongo, ukukhathazeka okungakaxazululwa, kanye nengozi yokufa, okungishiya ngibambene nombuzo odidayo wokuthi singabhekana kanjani nalesi sivunguvungu emshadweni wethu. Lapho ngivame ukuzithola ngizitshela ukuthi, “Umkami uhlale ethukuthele futhi akajabule,” kwangiphoqa ukuba ngifune ukuqonda futhi, ekugcineni, nezixazululo zokulungisa ukungezwani okwandayo phakathi kwethu.

Kulesi sihloko, sizohlola izizathu ezenza omunye umngane womshado athukuthele ngaso sonke isikhathi, sikhanyise ngezinkinga ezivame ukunganakwa. Ngakho-ke, yifunde uma ucabanga ukuthi umkakho uhlale ethukuthele noma uma uvame ukukhononda komakhelwane bakho noma abangani bakho, "Umkami ungishayile." Ukwengeza, sizohlola izindlela ezakhayo zokubhekana nalokhu kukhathazeka, sikhuthaze ukuxhumana, ukuzwelana, futhi ekugcineni, indlela eya ekwelapheni ngaphakathi kobudlelwano. Ngakho-ke, esikhundleni sokuba lusizi futhi uzibuze ukuthi ungabhekana kanjani nonkosikazi othukuthele, qhubeka…

Kungani Umaqondana Wami Ehlale Engithukuthelele?

Ukuba sebudlelwaneni lapho umlingani wakho ebonakala ethukuthele njalo kungaba yinto edidayo futhi eyinselele ngokomzwelo. Futhi sithembe, abafazi abathukuthele bangakunika isikhathi esinzima. Umbono oqhubekayo wokuthi “Umkami uhlala ethukuthele futhi engajabule” ungase ugxile emicabangweni yakho, uvuse umuzwa wokudideka njalo kanye nesifiso sokuxazulula izinkinga. Ukuqonda izimbangela eziyisisekelo zentukuthelo engapheli yomlingani wakho kubalulekile ekwakheni uxhumano olunempilo noluvumelanayo kanye nokugwema ubudlelwano obuhlukumezayo.

Ukuba nomlingani obhekene nezinkinga zentukuthelo kungase kuvame kakhulu kunalokho ocabanga. Njengoba omunye umsebenzisi we-Reddit esho, “Sesishadile iminyaka engu-7 futhi sinamadodakazi amabili (aneminyaka engu-3.5 nengu-2 ubudala). Ngokweqiniso sinazo zonke izinto ezisilungele (imisebenzi emihle esiyithandayo futhi ekhokhelwa kahle, abangane nomndeni abahle, amadodakazi ahlakaniphile futhi amahle, njll.) kodwa uhlala ethukuthele cishe ngakho konke futhi uhlala engithukuthelela ngezinto ezincane (okubonakala kimi) okungafanele zimthukuthelise kanjalo (isibonelo ukufika sekwephuzile ngemizuzu eyi-10 noma ukungakwazi ukukhetha izingubo ezifanele amadodakazi ethu). Uma engangithukutheleli ngento ethile, waziphatha futhi wabukeka sengathi konke kuyacasula. Uma sikhuluma cishe njalo kumayelana nokuthi akakuthandi kangakanani lokhu noma lokho, okuhlanganisa nabantu abasibheka njengabangane noma ngisho nabazali/odadewabo bakhe, njll..”

Kulolu cwaningo, sizohlola izici ezahlukahlukene ezingaba nomthelela esimweni sokuthukuthela okuqhubekayo komlingani wakho. Kusukela ezinkingeni zomuntu siqu kuya kokungafezeki okulindelwe ebudlelwaneni, sihlose ukukhanyisa izinto ezingaba khona. Ngokususa lezi zinkimbinkimbi, ngithemba ukunikeza ukuqonda namasu angavula indlela yokukhulumisana okuvulekile , uzwela, kanye nendlela eyakhayo yokuqonda intukuthelo nokuxazulula izinselele eziqhubekayo ebudlelwaneni bakho.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Indlela Yokulawula Intukuthelo Ebudlelwaneni - Izindlela Eziyi-12 Zokulawula Intukuthelo

1. Ayengafinyeleli kulokho ayekulindele

Ingabe uvame ukuzithola ukhononda ngokuthi, “Umkami uthukuthela ngezinto ezincane”? Izinto ezingakafezeki emshadweni zingasebenza njengezihlaseli ezithule, zigugule kancane kancane isisekelo sobudlelwano futhi zivule indlela yokuba intukuthelo imile. Emqondweni womshado, intukuthelo engaxazululiwe ivame ukuthola izimpande zayo ezikhaleni ezingakhulunywanga phakathi kwezinto ezilindelwe kanye neqiniso. Njengabalingani, sinezinto esizilindele ebudlelwaneni bethu , ezinye zicacile kanti ezinye zihlala zingabonakali, zithonywe yimikhuba yomphakathi, okuhlangenwe nakho komuntu siqu, kanye nezifiso. Isibonelo, amadoda avame ukungasizi endlini njengoba nje omkawo befuna ngoba kungenzeka ukuthi umfazi akazange akhulume ngezinto azilindele.

Lapho lokhu okulindelekile kungafezeki ngemva kwesikhathi se-honeymoon, ukukhungatheka kungakhula futhi kushintshe kube intukuthelo. Iba yimpendulo ye-visceral egebeni elibonwayo phakathi kwalokho obekucatshangwa kanye neqiniso lamanje. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi izidingo zomzwelo ezingagcwaliswanga, okulindelwe okungaxoxisananga mayelana nezindima nezibopho, noma imibono ehlukene ngemigomo eyabiwe, ukwehlukana kungakha isisekelo sokucasuka.

2. Ukuxakeka kwakhe ngezindaba ezingakaxazululeki

Pho, yini eyenza abafazi abathukuthele bathukuthele kangaka? Inkosikazi ematasa ngezinkinga ezingakaxazululwa zesikhathi esidlule ingasibekela ithunzi esikhathini samanje, ifake umbala wobuhlobo obunezingxabano ezingapheli kanye nesiyaluyalu esingokomzwelo. Uma izingxabano zangaphambilini zihlala zingaxazululiwe, zingasebenza njengento ekhathazayo, enomthelela ekuhlanganyeleni kwamanje nokusabela. Kungase futhi kube okuthile okwedlule kwakhe okufana nalokhu:

• ubudlova basekhaya
• Ukunganakwa kwabazali
• Ukuhlukunyezwa ngokocansi kwasebuntwaneni

Lolu hlobo lomthwalo ongokomzwelo lungase luhambisane nalabo abazulazula ezinkingeni zobudlelwane lapho izikhalo zomlando ziqhubeka nokubamba futhi kungaba isizathu sokuthi umkakho ahlale ethukuthele futhi engemihle.

Izinkinga ezingaxazululiwe zivame ukuphenduka umthwalo ongokomzwelo njengokungazethembi, okudala umgoqo wokuxhumana nokuqonda kwangempela. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi zibangelwa ukungezwani, izidingo ezingahlangatsheziwe, noma izehlakalo ezilimazayo, lezi zinkinga eziqhubekayo zingabonakala njengentukuthelo, ukukhungatheka, noma umuzwa ovamile wokunganeliseki—imizwa yesibili edabeni yangempela engaphansi. Inselele ayikho nje kuphela ekuboneni umthelela wezindaba ezidlule kodwa futhi nasekukhuthazeni isimo lapho bobabili ozakwethu bezizwa bephephile futhi bekhuthazwa ukuba baphinde bavakashele futhi baxazulule lezi zinto ezikhathazayo.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Amasu Ayisi-7 Okuyeka Ukulwa Ebudlelwaneni

3. Umoya wokungabi nandaba ogcwele ebudlelwaneni benu

Uma umoya wokunganaki ugcwele ubudlelwano obunempilo, ungabeka isithunzi ezikhathini ezabiwe, ushiye bobabili ozakwethu bebhekene nesisindo sokunganeliseki. Uma ungakwazi ukuzibamba kodwa ucabange ukuthi, “Intukuthelo yomkami ibhidliza umshado wethu,” kuwuphawu lokuwohloka okucashile, kodwa okunomthelela, kwesimo somzwelo phakathi kwabalingani ababili. Lesi senzakalo ngokuvamile sibonakala njengento eqhubekayo yokunganeliseki, edala indawo lapho injabulo ingekho khona futhi ukungezwani kuba yinjwayelo.

Ukungalungi kungathatha izinhlobo ezahlukene, kusukela ekuphikisaneni njalo kuya emuzweni ojwayelekile wokunganeliseki noma ukuhoxa ngokomzwelo. Ngokuvamile kubangelwa inhlanganisela yezidingo ezingakahlangatshezwa, izingxabano ezingaxazululwa, kanye nokuphazamiseka kokuxhumana. Uma kungaxazululwanga, lokhu kungalungi kungangena kuzo zonke izici zobudlelwano, kungathinti nje kuphela okwamanje kodwa futhi nomzila wesikhathi esizayo wobudlelwano.

4. Izidingo zakhe ezingokomzwelo ezingakwaneliswa

Uma umkami ehlala ethukuthele futhi engajabule, ngithola ukuthi izidingo ezingokomzwelo ezingagcwaliseki zivame ukucasha, zisebenza njengezimbangela ezinamandla zokunganeliseki. Lokhu kunganeliseki kungase kufanekisele isicelo esithule sokuxhumana ngokomzwelo , ukuqinisekiswa, noma ukwesekwa okungakagcwaliseki. Ngakho-ke, uma uzibuza ukuthi, “Kungani umlingani wami engithukuthelela njalo?”, khumbula lokhu: lapho izidingo eziyisisekelo ezingokomzwelo zingaqashelwa noma zingaxazululwa, ukukhungatheka kanye nentukuthelo kungakheka, okuholela ekuzizweni kwentukuthelo okusakazekile, okwenza bobabili abalingani bazizwe kabi.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Izimpawu Eziyi-15 Zokuhlukaniswa Kwemizwa Ebuhlotsheni Bakho

5. Izindlela zokuxhumana ezingafani

Usazibuza ukuthi yini eyenza amakhosikazi athukuthele acasuke kwasekuqaleni? Izindlela zokukhulumisana ezihlukene phakathi kobudlelwane zingaba indawo yokuzalanisa intukuthelo nokukhungatheka njalo kanye nesizathu okungenzeka ukuthi umkakho ahlale ethukuthele futhi engalungile. Uma kunomehluko omkhulu ezindleleni zakho zokuxhumana, ukusebenzisana kwakho ngokuvamile kungase kubangele ukungezwani kanye nokungezwani okwandayo. Lokhu kungabonakala njengokungqubuzana phakathi:

• Ukuqondile nobuqili
• Ukugomela kanye nokungenzi lutho
• Izimpawu zokukhuluma nezingezona ezezwi

Futhi lolu hlobo lokungalungi noma ukuntuleka kokuxhumana kungadala umthombo oqhubekayo wokungezwani.

Njengoba sixazulula izinkinga ezifaka isandla entukuthelweni engapheli yozakwethu, uhambo oluya ekuxazululeni nasekuvuseleleni luba sobala. Manje, ake sidlulele esigabeni esilandelayo, lapho sizohlola khona amathiphu angu-11 okuthi ungabhekana kanjani nomfazi othukuthele, sinikeze ukuqonda okusebenzayo namasu okuguqula amandla entukuthelo phakathi kobudlelwane. Lawa macebiso ahlose ukukhuthaza ukuqonda, ukuxhumana okuvulekile, futhi ekugcineni avule indlela yokuxhumana okuqinile nokwanelisayo.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Amathiphu Ochwepheshe ayi-11 Okuxhumana Kangcono Nomlingani Wakho

Indlela Yokubhekana Nentukuthelo Yomfazi: Amathiphu angu-11 asebenzayo

Uyazibuza ukuthi ngingamjabulisa kanjani umkami othukuthele? Nokho, ukubhekana nentukuthelo yomkakho kuqala ngokuvuma ukuhlukahluka kwemizwa nokuxhumana phakathi kobuhlobo. Ithiphu ngayinye kulesi sigaba iklanyelwe ukuhlinzeka ngezinyathelo ezingasetshenzwa zokukusiza uxazulule 'indlela yokubhekana nenkinga yomfazi othukuthele'. Lawa macebiso ngeke akusize nje kuphela ukuthi udambise ukungezwani osheshayo kodwa futhi abeke isisekelo sokuxhumana okunempilo nokuqina. 

Kusukela ekulaleleni ngenkuthalo kuya ekuhlakuleleni uzwela ebudlelwaneni benu kanye nokuhlola izixazululo ezabiwe, lawa macebiso ahlose ukukukhombisa ukuthi wenzeni lapho umkakho ekuthukuthelele. Aphinde anike amandla imibhangqwana ngamathuluzi ayidingayo ukuguqula intukuthelo ibe yithuba lokukhula, ukuqonda, futhi ekugcineni, ubudlelwano obuvumelanayo.

1. Zibandakanye ekulaleleni ngenkuthalo

Ngakho-ke, ingabe uvame ukuzibuza, "Ngibhekana kanjani nomfazi othukuthele?" Ukulalela ngentshiseko kuyisici esiyisisekelo sokukhulumisana okuphumelelayo, ikakhulukazi lapho ubhekana nentukuthelo yomfazi. Kuhilela ukunikeza ukunaka kwakho okungahlukaniseki kumlingani wakho njengoba eveza imicabango yakhe, imizwa yakhe, kanye nezinto ezimkhathazayo. Ukuzijwayeza ukulalela okusebenzayo:

• Susa iziphazamiso: Ukukhetha indawo enokuthula nenokuthula kubalulekile kulokhu
• Nikeza izimpawu zomlomo nezingezona ezomlomo: Bonisa ukuthi ubambe iqhaza ngokugcwele engxoxweni. Bhekana emehlweni futhi ugcine ukuma okubonisa ukuthi unentshisekelo
• Zama ukulalela okucabangelayo: Kuyisu ekulaleleni okumatasa lapho usho ngamagama noma ukuphinda lokho umkakho akushilo. Lokhu akubonisi nje kuphela ukuthi uyanaka kodwa futhi kuvumela ukucaciswa kanye ukuqinisekiswa kwemizwa yakhe. Ngokwesibonelo, ungase uthi, “Kuzwakala sengathi ukhungathekile ngenxa ka-X. Ingabe kulungile lokho?” Le ndlela iqinisekisa ukuthi uwuqonda ngokunembile umbono wakhe futhi iyisinyathelo esikhulu endleleni efanele uma ufuna ukwenza umkakho othukuthele ajabule.
• Ungahluleli: Kunokuba uthule, okuyilokho amadoda amaningi aphendukela kukho, ukulalela ngenkuthalo kuhilela nokugodla ukwahlulela nokugwema ukwenza impendulo yakho ngesikhathi ekhuluma. Kunalokho, gxila ekuwuqondeni ngempela umbono wakhe

Abantu abaningi basabela kahle ekulaleleni okusebenzayo nokucabangelayo. Ngokwenza umzamo wokuqonda imizwa nokuhlangenwe nakho kwakhe, udala isimo sokwethembana nokukhululeka, okubalulekile ekufundeni indlela yokujabulisa umkakho lapho ethukuthele.

2. Veza uzwela ngosizi lwakhe

Ngisazibuza ukuthi, “Kungani umkami ehlala ethukuthele?” Ezikhathini lapho umkami ehlala ethukuthele futhi engajabule, ngithola ukuthi ukubonisa uzwela lwami kuye kusiza kakhulu ekulungiseni ubuhlobo bethu. Ukubonisa uzwela kuhilela okungaphezu nje kokuqonda imizwa yomkakho; kumayelana nokuveza lokho kuqonda ngendlela eqinisekisa imizwa yakhe. Lapho ubhekene nentukuthelo yomlingani , uzwela lungaba ithuluzi elinamandla lokwakha uxhumano nokunciphisa ukungezwani. Nakhu ongakwenza:

• Qala ngokuvuma imizwa yakhe ngaphandle kokwahlulela
• Imisho enjengokuthi “Ngiyabona ukuthi lesi simo sikuthinta ngempela” noma “Kumelwe kube inselele ukuzizwa ngale ndlela” idlulisela ukuqaphela kwakho nokukukhathazayo. Ngakho-ke zisebenzise esikhundleni sokukhononda, “Umkami ucasuka ngezinto ezincane”
• Ukukhombisa ukuthi uyakuqonda ukujula kwemizwa yakhe kukhuthaza ukuxhumana okungokomzwelo futhi kugcizelela ukuthi imizwa yakhe ilungile.
• Uzwela luhlanganisa nokuhlanganyela kokuhlangenwe nakho kwakhe okungokomzwelo, ngisho noma ungase ungaqondi ngokugcwele noma ungavumelani nombono wakhe. Sebenzisa izitatimende ezinjengokuthi “Ngingase ngingakuqondi ngokuphelele lokho obhekene nakho, kodwa ngifuna ukukusekela” ukuze ubonise ukuzimisela kwakho ukuma eceleni kwakhe.

Ngokubonisa uzwela, wakha indawo lapho umkakho ezizwa ezwiwa, eqondwa futhi esekelwa. Lokhu kuqinisekiswa ngokomzwelo kubeka isisekelo sezingxoxo ezikhiqizayo kanye nokuxazulula izinkinga ngokubambisana, okunomthelela empilweni yonke nasekuqiniseni ubudlelwano bakho. Lena indlela yokubhekana nonkosikazi othukuthele ngokuphumelelayo.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Indlela Yokusebenzelana Nomlingani Ongemuhle – Amathiphu angu-15 Asekelwa Ochwepheshe

3. Thola izinto ezimbangelayo

Uyazibuza ukuthi wenzeni uma umkakho ekucasukele? Ukuqonda nokubona izimbangela eziqondile eziholela entukuthelweni yomkakho kuyisinyathelo esibalulekile sokufunda indlela yokudambisa intukuthelo yomfazi othukuthele. Izimbangela zingahluka, kusukela ekuziphatheni okuthile, izihloko zengxoxo, noma ngisho nezimo ezithile. Nansi indlela yokubhekana nentukuthelo yomfazi:

• Sebenzisani ndawonye ukuze nihlonze lezi zimbangela, njengoba lokhu kuvumela bobabili ozakwethu ukuthi balindele futhi bahlole imithombo engase ibe khona yokungezwani uma yonke ingxoxo iphenduka ingxabano
• Zibandakanye ekuxoxisaneni okuvulelekayo nokwethembeka, njengoba kudlala indima ebalulekile kule nqubo. Khuthaza umkakho ukuba aveze imizwa yakhe nokuqonda kwakhe ngezimo ezivusa intukuthelo
• Veza okwakho okuqaphele futhi wamukele impendulo
• Khomba ngokuhlanganyela izibangeli, njengokuthi ngokwenza njalo, udala isisekelo sokuxazulula izinkinga ngokushesha kunokungqubuzana okuqhubekayo.
• Yakha amasu okuphatha noma ukugwema lezi zimbangela uma kungenzeka. Lokhu kungase kuhlanganise ukubeka imingcele ecacile, ukusungula izinkambiso zokuxhumana, noma ukuthola ukuvumelana okunciphisa umthelela walezi zimbangela kubo bobabili ozakwethu.

Ngokubhekana nalezi zimbangela eziwumsuka, ungahlakulela ubuhlobo obuqondayo nobunobunye, wenze isinyathelo esikhulu sokufunda indlela yokujabulisa umkakho lapho ethukuthele.

4. Misa imingcele enempilo ebudlelwaneni

Uvame ukuzithola uzibuza ukuthi, “Ngimzwise ubuhlungu umkami ngokomzwelo, ngingakulungisa kanjani?” Ezikhathini lapho umkami ehlala ethukuthele futhi engajabule, ngivame ukuphikelela ekubekeni imingcele kithi sobabili. Ukumisa imingcele ecacile nehloniphekile kubalulekile ekugcineni ubudlelwano obuhle nobulinganiselayo. Uma kukhulunywa ngokubhekana nentukuthelo yomfazi, le mingcele ebalulekile inikeza uhlaka olusiza ekuvimbeleni ukungaqondani kanye nezingxabano.

Uma ungakwazi ukuzibamba ukuthi, “Umkami unezinkinga zentukuthelo,” zama lawa macebiso:

• Qala ingxoxo ezolile nevulekile mayelana nalokho omunye nomunye akulindele kanye nemikhawulo phakathi kobudlelwano
• Xoxa ngendawo yomuntu siqu, izintandokazi zokuxhumana, nokuziphatha okwamukelekayo
• Xhumana nezidingo zakho ngokucacile futhi ulalelisise ezakhe, uqinisekise ukuthi bobabili abalingani bazizwa bekhululekile ukuveza lokho abakulindele.

Imingcele isebenza njengezinkombandlela zokuziphatha, esiza ukudala umuzwa wokuphepha nokubikezelwa. Ngokwesibonelo, uma isikhathi somuntu siqu sibalulekile kunoma yimuphi umlingani, ukuvumelana ngezikhathi ezimisiwe zemisebenzi yomuntu ngamunye kungavimbela imizwa yokunganakwa noma yokugxambukela.

Ukuhlonipha imingcele emisiwe kubaluleke ngokufanayo. Ukuhlonipha imikhawulo yomunye nomunye kukhuthaza ukwethembana nokuqondana. Ukuphinda uvakashele futhi ulungise le mingcele njengoba ubudlelwano buthuthuka kuqinisekisa ukuthi buhlala bufaneleka futhi busekela, okunikela ebudlelwaneni obuvikeleke kakhulu futhi obunobunye.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Imingcele Eyishumi Yobudlelwano Obunempilo Okufanele Uyilandele

5. Funda ukuxhumana ngokuphumelelayo

Ngisazibuza ukuthi, “Ngingamthulisa kanjani umfazi othukuthele?” Ukuxhumana okuphumelelayo kuyisisekelo sobudlelwano obuphumelelayo, ikakhulukazi lapho kulwiwa nentukuthelo yomlingani. Lokhu akubandakanyi nje kuphela lokho okushiwoyo kodwa nendlela okudluliselwa ngayo. Lapho imizwa iphakama, ukusebenzisa amasu okuxhumana aphumelelayo kuba yinto ebaluleke kakhulu uma kukhulunywa ngokulawula intukuthelo ebudlelwaneni.

• Khetha amagama ngokucophelela ukuze uveze imicabango nemizwa yakho ngaphandle kokubeka icala. Sebenzisa izitatimende ezithi “Mina” ukuze uveze owakho umbono, ugcizelela imizwelo yakho kanye nokuhlangenwe nakho kwakho kunokuba wenze izitatimende ezikusolayo. Ngokwesibonelo, ithi “Ngizwa ubuhlungu uma…” esikhundleni sokuthi “Uhlala…”
• Gcina iphimbo elipholile nelihlelekile, ugweme ulimi olunolaka noma oluvikelayo kanye nokuqhuma kwentukuthelo.
• Izimpawu ezingakhulumi, ezifana nokukhuluma komzimba kanye nesimo sobuso, nazo zidlala indima enkulu ekukhulumisaneni. Qinisekisa ukuthi izimpawu zakho ezingakhulumi zihambisana nomlayezo wakho womlomo ukuze ugweme noma yikuphi ukutolika okungahle kube khona
• Ukulalela ngenkuthalo, njengoba kuxoxiwe ngaphambili, kuyingxenye ebalulekile yokuxhumana okuphumelelayo. Ngokwenza inkhulumomphendvulwano enenhlonipho, ecacile, nevulekile, ubeka isisekelo sokuqonda nokusebenzisana.

Le ndlela yenza bobabili ozakwethu baveze imizwa yabo ngendlela eyiqiniso kuyilapho benciphisa ubungozi bokukhula kwezingxabano.

Ukufunda Okuhlobene: Imibono Yesipho Yomzuzu Wokugcina Engu-21 Yosuku Lokuzalwa Lomkakho | Disemba 2020

6. Funa ukuqondiswa ngochwepheshe

Usazibuza, “Kungani umkami ehlale ethukuthele?” Kwezinye izimo, ukufuna usizo lochwepheshe ngokwelashwa kwabashadile noma ukwelulekwa ngomshado kungaba isinyathelo esishintshayo ekutholeni indlela yokubhekana nonkosikazi othukuthele. Lokhu kungaba usizo kakhulu uma uvame ukuzithola ukhononda, “Umkami wangishaya.” Umelaphi oqeqeshiwe uhlinzeka ngendawo engachemi futhi ehlelekile lapho bobabili abantu bekwazi ukuveza imicabango nemizwa yabo, kukhuthaze ukuqonda futhi kube lula ukuxhumana okwakhayo.

Uma ungazi ukuthi wenzeni uma umkakho ekuthukuthelele, cabanga ngokwelashwa kwemibhangqwana. Ukwelashwa kwemibhangqwana akugcini nje ngobudlelwano obusenkingeni. Kungaba futhi isinyathelo sokuthuthukisa amakhono okuxhumana nokuxazulula izinkinga eziyisisekelo ngaphambi kokuba ziqhubeke. Uchwepheshe wezokwelapha imibhangqwana anganikeza iseluleko esihle, asize ekuboneni izindlela zokuziphatha, futhi anikeze amasu okubhekana nezinselele.

Umbono ongachemile wengcweti ungakha isikhala esiphephile sabo bobabili ozakwethu ukwabelana ngezinto ezibakhathazayo ngaphandle kokwesaba ukwahlulela. Ukwengeza, abelaphi bethula amathuluzi ahambisanayo nokuzivocavoca ukuze bathuthukise ukuxhumana, bathuthukise ukuxhumana ngokomzwelo, futhi baqondise umbhangqwana ebuhlotsheni obuvumelanayo. Ukufuna isiqondiso sochwepheshe kubonisa ukuzibophezela enhlalakahleni yobudlelwano futhi kungaletha uguquko oluhle uma nisebenza ndawonye. Uma ufuna umeluleki wezithandani, cabangela omunye wabeluleki bethu kwa-Bonobology.

7. Funda ukubekezela

Uyazibuza ukuthi wenzeni uma umkakho ekucasukele? Nokho, lapho umkami ehlale ethukuthele futhi engajabule, ngiye ngizame ukuba nesineke kuye. Lapho ubhekana nentukuthelo yozakwethu, ukuzijwayeza ukubekezela kuwubuhle obungaba nomthelela omkhulu ekuxazululeni izingxabano kanye nenhlalakahle yobudlelwano. Qaphela ukuthi ukubhekana nezinkinga ezijulile kanye nokuziphatha ngokushintsha kuthatha isikhathi, futhi ushintsho olusheshayo lungase lungenzeki ngaso sonke isikhathi. Nawa amathiphu ambalwa ongakwenza:

• Ukubekezela kuhilela ukulondoloza isimo esizolile nokugwema ukusabela ngokuphamazela, ngisho nalapho umngane womshado ethukuthele.
• Nikeza wena nozakwenu isikhathi esidingekayo sokucubungula imizwa futhi nisebenzela ukuthola izixazululo
• Imizamo esheshayo yokuxazulula izinkinga ingase ibangele ukungezwani futhi ibhebhethekise ukungezwani. Ngaphezu kwalokho, i- ukwelashwa buthule ngokufanayo angenza izinto zibe zimbi nakakhulu
• Khuluma ngokukhululekile mayelana nenqubo yoshintsho futhi uveze ukuzibophezela kwakho ekukhuleni kobudlelwano
• Khuthaza umlingani wakho ukuthi abelane ngemicabango nemizwa yakhe, futhi amukele impendulo

Hhayi-ke, nansi indlela yokujabulisa umkakho lapho ethukuthele. Ngokukhuthaza indawo yokubekezela, udala isikhala esidingekayo sokuqonda, ukuzwelana, kanye noshintsho oluhle kancane kancane phakathi kobudlelwano. Lena indlela yokubhekana nomlingani othukuthele.

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8. Khuthaza umkakho ukuthi afune izindawo ezinempilo

Uma uvame ukucabanga ukuthi, “Umkami unezinkinga zentukuthelo,” ukumkhuthaza ukuba asebenzise izindlela ezinempilo zokuqeda ukucindezeleka nokukhungatheka kuyindlela eyakhayo yokubhekana nokunciphisa intukuthelo yakhe. Izitolo ezinempilo zinikeza ezinye izindlela zokubhekana nezinselele ezingokomzwelo, ezikhuthaza inhlalakahle jikelele phakathi kobudlelwano. Ngakho-ke, uma ungomunye walabo bayeni abangenalo usizi evame ukuzitshela ukuthi, “Umkami wangishaya futhi angazi ukuthi ngenzeni,” zama ukufuna izindlela ezinempilo zokumthulisa.

Xoxa futhi uhlole imisebenzi ehlukahlukene enomthelela ekukhululweni ngokomzwelo nasekuphumuleni okungasiza ekudambiseni unkosikazi othukuthele. Lokhu kungase kuhlanganise ukuvivinya umzimba njalo, ukuzilibazisa, ukuzijwayeza ingqondo noma ukuzindla, noma ukuphishekela izindawo zokusungula. 

Ukuhlanganyela emisebenzini enjalo akugcini nje ngokukhulula imizwa kodwa futhi kunegalelo endleleni yokuphila elinganiselayo neyanelisayo kanye nempilo engcono yomzimba. Ukusekela nokuhlanganyela kulezi zindawo ndawonye kungaqinisa isibopho semizwa phakathi kwabalingani, kudale okuhlangenwe nakho okwabiwe okulinganisela izikhathi zokungezwani futhi kufake isandla ebudlelwaneni obuvumelanayo.

9. Xolisa futhi uthethelele

Uma uzibuza ukuthi, “Ungabhekana kanjani nomfazi othukuthele,” ukuvuma amaphutha, ukuxolisa okuqotho, nokuzijwayeza ukuthethelela kuyizici ezibalulekile enqubweni yokubhekana nomuntu othukuthele. Qaphela ukuthi izenzo zakho noma amazwi akho abe nomthelela nini engxabanweni, futhi uzibophezele ngakho.

Uma ucabanga ukuthi, “Ngiphathe kabi umkami emoyeni, ngingakulungisa kanjani?” Ukuxolisa kwangempela kuhilela ukuzwakalisa ukuzisola, ukuqonda umthelela wezenzo zakho, nokuzibophezela ekushintsheni okuhle. Sebenzisa izitatimende ezinjengokuthi “Ngiyaxolisa ngendlela izenzo zami ezikwenze wazizwa ngayo” esikhundleni sokuxolisa okuvamile. Lokhu kubonisa ukuqonda okujulile kwemizwa ethile ehilelekile.

Ngesikhathi esifanayo, zimisele ukuthethelela. Uma uzama ukuziphindiselela ngemva kokuzidabukela, uzitshela ukuthi, “Umkami ungishayile,” yeka ngokushesha. Indoda ethukuthele ebambelela ezikhalweni zangaphambilini ingaqhubekisela phambili umjikelezo wentukuthelo nenzondo emshadweni . Ukuthethelela akusho ukuthi kufanele uvumele ukuziphatha.

Kunalokho, kusho ukuzibophezela ekuqhubekeleni phambili nokuhlakulela ubuhlobo obuhle kakhulu. Ukuzibandakanya kule nqubo yokubuyelana yokuxolisa nokuthethelela kukhuthaza indawo yokuphulukisa nokukhula ngokomzwelo. Lesi yisihluthulelo sokuthola indlela yokubhekana nomlingani othukuthele.

10. Dala imigomo eyabiwe

Uma uzibuza ukuthi, “Umphatha kanjani umfazi othukuthele,” kuhle, ukusungula imigomo eyabiwe phakathi kobudlelwano kungaba isu elinamandla lokunciphisa ukucasuka okuqhubekayo kanye nokukhuthaza umuzwa wobunye. Ukubona ngokubambisana izinjongo bobabili ozakwethu abashisekayo ngazo kudala inhloso eyabiwe, kunciphisa imithombo engaba khona yokungqubuzana. Nansi indlela yokwenza umkakho ajabule lapho ethukuthele:

• Zibandakanye ezingxoxweni ezivulekile mayelana nezifiso zakho zomuntu ngamunye, kokubili komuntu siqu kanye neqoqo
• Bheka izinto enivumelana ngazo nezindawo lapho imigomo yenu iqondana khona
• Lokhu kungase kuhlanganise izifiso zomsebenzi, ukukhetha indlela yokuphila, noma izinhlelo zokuzithuthukisa
• Ukusebenzela imigomo eyabiwe kunikeza uhlaka lwalokho ukusekelana kanye nokusebenzisana
• Kungaba into elula njengokwenza imisebenzi yasekhaya, ukudlala imidlalo ndawonye noma ukubhucunga ihlombe

Lokhu kusiza ukususa ukugxila ekukhathazekeni komuntu ngamunye kuye kumbono ohlangene, okuqinisa ukuxhumana ngokomzwelo phakathi kozakwethu. Lo mqondo ohlanganyelwe wenhloso unomthelela ekuguquguqukeni okuhle nokwanelisayo ngaphakathi kobudlelwano.

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11. Khumbula ukugubha izikhathi ezinhle

Ngakho-ke, usazibuza ukuthi ungabhekana kanjani nomlingani othukuthele? Phakathi kwezinselele zokwazi ukuthi yini okufanele uyenze uma umkakho ekuthukuthelele, kubalulekile ukuvuma futhi ugubhe izikhathi ezinhle phakathi kobudlelwano. Ukugxila ngamabomu ezenzakalweni ezijabulisayo, esikuzuzile, nasenjabulweni ehlanganyelwe kunganciphisa umphumela wentukuthelo eqhubekayo, esikhundleni sokuhlala ucabanga ukuthi, “Intukuthelo yomkami ibhidliza umshado wethu.”

Bonisanani ukubonga nokwazisana njalo. Yazisani imizamo, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi mincane kangakanani, efaka isandla enhlalakahleni yobudlelwano . Gubhani izigaba ezibalulekile, impumelelo, noma ngisho nezikhathi ezilula zenjabulo ukuze niqinise izici ezinhle zobudlelwano benu.

Ngokugcizelela ngokuqaphela imizwa eyakhayo, udala isimo esinethemba kakhudlwana. Lokhu akugcini nje ngokuthuthukisa umuzwa wokwazisana kodwa futhi kusebenza njengesikhumbuzo samandla nezinjabulo ezikhona phakathi kobudlelwano. Ukugubha izikhathi ezinhle kunomthelela kusisekelo semizwa esiqine kakhudlwana, kwenze kube lula ukuzulazula nokunqoba izinselele, futhi wenze umkakho othukuthele ajabule.

Siyethemba ukuthi awukazibuzi ukuthi uzobhekana kanjani nomlingani othukuthele. Futhi sithemba ukuthi sixazulule izinkinga ezimbalwa ezihlobene namakhosikazi athukuthele ngalesi sihloko. Emshadweni onempilo, ukuqonda kanye nokubhekana nentukuthelo ephikelelayo yomlingani kudinga indlela enezici eziningi. Kusukela ekulaleleni okusebenzayo nozwela kuye ekumiseni imingcele, ukufuna isiqondiso sochwepheshe, nokukhuthaza ukubekezela, lawa masu asebenza njengamathuluzi okuzulazula ebunzimeni bemizwa nokuxhumana.

Ukukhuthaza izindawo ezinempilo, ukuxolisa, nokuthethelela kunomthelela ekwelapheni ngokomzwelo ngenkathi kwakhiwa imigomo eyabiwe kanye nokugubha izikhathi ezinhle kuqinisa ukuqina kobudlelwane. Ngokwamukela le mibono kanye namathiphu asebenzayo okuphatha inkosikazi ethukuthele, imibhangqwana ingaguqula izikhathi zentukuthelo zibe amathuba okukhula, ukuqonda, kanye nokuhlakulela ukuxhumana okuvumelanayo nokwanelisayo.

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