You fight, you makeup, you fight again- believe it or not, this is what every marriage looks like. It is not about not fighting after getting married; it is more about fighting better. One of the biggest first year marriage problems is when newly-weds share a roof with a partner having a different personality and lifestyle and they have to keep making efforts to come on the same page.
This is true especially for those who haven’t lived together before getting married. You can be newly married and miserable when you find out your husband stays in the washroom for two hours in the morning or you realise your wife snores. Most newly-weds are fighting all the time over the speed of the fan, the temperature of the air-conditioner, the interference of in-laws or the time spent with friends.
Is It Normal To Fight A Lot In The First Year Of Marriage?
The saying goes that a honeymoon is incomplete without a fight and as the honeymoon period gets over the fights intensify because the newly-wed couple comes down from euphoric heights of love to the reality of marriage. One of the biggest first year marriage problems is incessant fights that could lead to adjustment issues. But the fights become less as couples understand each other better and start ignoring the minor issues in the relationship.
New York based marriage counselor Rachel Sussman says in an article that something like everyday chores or behaviour on social media could lead to fights. “Communication is the key. Usually couples become too defensive or try to follow the tit-for-tat formula to win a fight. Which means no matter what you are arguing about it could escalate into a huge fight.”
But having fights in the first year of marriage is the most normal thing and every relationship expert says that the first year of marriage is the toughest because you are adjusting constantly to being a couple, to handling finances, to having two sets of families and to setting up new couple goals.
5 Things That Newly-Wed Couples Fight About
So you got it now. First year marriage problems are inevitable and these would lead to fights both big and small. While you could have the first argument of your marriage while packing for the honeymoon itself, fighting in the first week of marriage could intensify since you are still getting used to being a couple who are legally tied together for life (so the fights apply to couples who have lived in as well).
When you are fighting early in your marriage there are 5 issues that you won’t be able to avoid and will fight about. What are those issues? We tell you.
1. Money issues
You are no longer doing it all for yourself. After marriage, you are building a home with another human being. It takes a lot of planning, calculating fiscal responsibilities, when you are over-budget or when you are under-spending (which never happens).
Newly-weds can’t always come to an informed choice about sharing expenses . They fight over over-spending, unwanted expenditure and taking care of bills. There are tons of bills to take care of and financial talks are not sexy talks and might create a tiff between newly-weds more often than not.
But as time goes by newly-married couples realise the importance of financial planning and then the fights start lessening over money issues.
2. Extended family drama
It’s not that every married couple will be living together with an extended family. But according to research, living with the in-laws is the major bone of contention. The bahu is new and the saas doesn’t like her son being at the beck and call of the bahu now.
Truth is everyone needs time to settle in and chances are no one wants to compromise on their part. The incessant jabs are taken at the new daughter-in-law, or the other way round, often creates incessant fights between the newly-weds. So a joint family could lead to major fights in the first year of marriage.
3. Housework is one of the biggest first year marriage problems
If you leave the wet towel on the bed, chances are it will start a fight. “Why can’t you hang it out to dry? I cannot do this every day, I am not your mother,” will be some of the jibes you will get to hear.
Same goes with cooking, washing, cleaning and switching the lights off when you leave a room. If you haven’t signed a prenup to divide the household chores equally, regular fights will happen over housework.
People can be newly married and miserable just because of uneven division of household chores. While the lady could think she is doing too much the man could feel that his wife is nagging him too much. It takes some time to adjust and divide chores. Till then the hollering and screaming would happen.
Related Reading: 22 Tips to Survive the First Year of Marriage
4. Physical intimacy changes intensity
It is not always about the sex. Though sex after marriage gets regular, intimacy is reduced. Newly-weds spend most of their free time together but spending a really good time (with or without sex) is something that speak volumes.
The first year marriage problems start when over the course of that one year intimacy reduces, there is no cuddling, no pillow talk which might cause miscommunication between husband and wife.
This miscommunication can lead to fights, often bringing in issues that was never really an issue. But what they can’t tell each other is that they miss the intensity that was there before marriage. It is very important to communicate and make the extra effort to keep the spark alive.
5. Inability to compromise
Newly-weds are fighting all the time because they most of the time cannot compromise or accept the imperfections of their partners.
“Why are you so lazy?”, “Why is your hair all over the house?”, “Why are you so messy?”, “Why can’t we have pizza three nights in a row?” – things like these will crop up. Newly-weds find it hard to be accepting of each other’s behaviour. So the fights are mostly attacks on each other about their attitudes towards food, chores, finances, quirks.
The fights are mostly about having to compromise what you like for your better half and that might not be always easy. Accepting that you are living under the same roof and that a little compromise can prevent you from having to sleep on the couch, goes a long way.
How much fighting in a marriage is normal?
This a very important question to ask when the tiffs take off in the first year of marriage. Are these fights more like the ones you have with your crazy cousin who comes over unannounced from time to time but eventually goes away? Or do these fights turn ugly and you use hurtful words and then days of silent treatment that become really harmful for your relationship?
If you feel that you are unable to handle the fights and your relationship is going downhill then talking to a counselor is a good idea. But if the fights are the kind that happens in every marriage in the first year then it should not be swept under the rug. You should straighten out the issues so that it doesn’t build up over a period of time and damage your relationship.