Here’s a story.
One evening, King Shantanu, the founder of the Kuru dynasty, was walking along the Ganges, when he saw Satyawati, the beautiful daughter of a fisherman. In those days, you came, you saw, you married. So it was with a heart full of optimism that Shantanu asked Satyawati’s father for her hand in marriage, only to have his hopes dashed to the ground. The old fisherman, seeing the big fish he’d netted, laid down the condition that the sons born to Satyawati and Shantanu would succeed Shantanu. Now this was a problem. Shantanu already had a son – his beloved Devavrat. How could he deprive his eldest born of his royal inheritance?
But Devavrat was made of sterner stuff. He went to the fisherman, avowed celibacy and brought Satyawati home for his father. He then went on to shrewdly helm the dynasty, by proxy, until his death on the twelfth day of the great battle of Kurukshetra.
How does this story matter now? It matters, because it’s true even today, that celibacy can be a choice and that it needn’t mean a life sans quality.
In a world where marriage is the norm among adults, the quality of life is measured by marital status, especially for a woman. However, in this very world, the number of singles is increasing, especially women, perhaps at a faster rate than a decade ago. There are divorces, and the common opinion is that men quickly remarry while women don’t. One observes, with disquiet, that many more men are dying in their 40s and 50s, leaving women without a partner. And there are, of course, a certain number of women who never married. How do these women cope, in a world commonly peopled by married adults?
Women of today
Here are a few real life stories, the names changed to protect the identity of the individuals involved.
Rama, who was briefly married two decades ago, now lives with her partner…and her son.
Asha, 60, a lesbian, who divorced her husband two decades ago, lives happily with her partner and her two grownup daughters. Not single, but made an unequivocal sexual choice.
Ratna, never married, 55, has a government job, lives with and looks after her mother.
Reena, 44, briefly married, chooses to live without a guy.
Roshni, 45, widowed, has gotten used to her own self and does not wish to have a guy intrude.
Avani, divorced at 45 after a bad marriage…simply not interested.
These women have found work, engagements and friendships that fulfil them. They have faced, and ignored, the typically condescending opinions of people around them – “Well, at least you are busy.” Like you were doing absolutely nothing but sitting on your ass when there was a man in your life!
Related reading: You are the most important relationship in your life…
Being single gives you more choices
Cut to the younger generation. Young women (and maybe, men, but for this article, I haven’t considered that half of humanity) don’t want to marry in a hurry. They are not necessarily celibate, but they are legally single. In a relationship for a while, then out, if it doesn’t work out for both parties. This may seem like a hollow existence, and will be, if prolonged. But in the present and in the immediate future, this arrangement helps them explore themselves and the world better than they would if they had settled down in matrimony.
It is interesting that marriage is often referred to as ‘sansar’, literally ‘the world’, in many Indian languages. You become a householder, get mired in worldliness and take that route to self-actualisation. The other route is singlehood, one that was followed by the sages and ascetics of yore, and Devavrat (or Bhishma) mentioned at the beginning of this article – typically by men.
A number of women now are choosing this route. Singlehood then is no longer a matter of being overlooked by the marriage market. It’s a personal choice of one lifestyle over another.