(As told to Shivanya Yogmayaa)
I’ve been a widow of over 3 years, with no sexual pleasure. No, don’t get me wrong. There were many who hounded me, desired me, fancied me, chased me and most of all, the friends of my expired husband.
I was taken by surprise how my world had changed as I wore a white saree after my husband’s sudden untimely death. We had our shares of ups and downs, good, bad and ugly moments filled with laughter and tears. I had seen all the colours of emotions in seven years of my marriage.
Men who offered their services
However, I wasn’t prepared for this, and most of all what would follow next. No sooner had I gathered my wits and senses, than I had men in a queue making me feel more insecure as a widow than ever. Sometimes their eyes scaled up and down as if scanning me naked before them. I closed myself off, as if part of me were dying, my gurgling self hiding from the lustful gaze. I dressed plain and simple, looking unattractive and lifeless. Life was moving on, with each day more dull and dim. No songs in my heart, no hope in my eyes, only pain and sadness lurking. I was a dead woman walking.
Then came another turning point, when I encountered my old college friend who too had been through the same turmoil. She shook my world with her words. They drove me to face myself and see my untapped emotional and physical desires. She encouraged me to go out and play with no shame or pain. And when I wondered how to relive and breathe again…she said, “First, date a gigolo.”
Related reading: Book Review: Erotic Stories for Punjabi Widows
Find a gigolo, she said
Date a gigolo. What was that or who was that? My mind reeled in startled amazement as if she’d revealed a great untold secret. Yes, it was as if my friend shared a formula. I told her honestly, yes I desired the three-letter word but didn’t know who to trust. No doubt I had men from my family, and my friends’ husbands too had made advances but I never felt right. I didn’t want to just savour the sexual delight with unconscious morals or steal another woman’s man.
A date with a gigolo was fixed, and I was nervous as hell.
I didn’t know how my body would feel, how the man would be, how it can be without emotions invested, no promises of tomorrow, and yet I was on my way to meet Mr Gigolo, my Blind Date.
He was amazing
Well, it was the best thing that ever happened to me in years. Giving myself a chance to explore and connect to myself as a woman and being. He was a thorough gentleman. His eyes had warmth and his touch fleetingly gentle, leaving me to respond at my own pace. I didn’t expect I would feel so comfortable. I guess it was the way he was, not pushy, only focused on me and my flow, without making me feel stripped or as an object of lust. He had a warm voice and spoke of many things under the sky, sharing and asking, easily bonding for me to open up.
I liked the fact he was willing to meet even if there was no sex involved. That he was concerned with my wants than his needs. He didn’t unnecessarily flatter me, but offered genuine compliments. He was also playful and yet mindful as the conversation flowed and soon my consent followed. Yes, we did it. And again he was the best lover I had.
I wish more men out there knew how to lead a woman, how to treat a woman, how to be gentle in moves…. Knowing a woman’s mind is the only way. And I encourage every woman in my situation to take a chance…