7 Things You Should Know About Having A Discreet Affair

Affair and Cheating | | , Expert Blogger
Updated On: February 5, 2024
discreet affair

What is a discreet affair? It’s an affair that includes one or two married people in a serious, committed relationship. If you are hearing this term for the first time, then I applaud your innocence. Discreet affairs aren’t as uncommon as you might think; the number of people who indulge in them might boggle your mind. 

As someone who has suffered because of a discreet affair, I would say it not only damaged my sanity but also had me dumbfounded at my ex-partner’s wolf-like abilities to pull off a relationship in complete secrecy for over four years. Some might argue that the term, discreet relationship, is nothing but a more sophisticated way of saying cheating, betrayal, treachery, and an extramarital affair.

If you are asking what makes an affair discreet, here is the answer: an affair is discreet when nobody else has the slightest clue about the affair besides you and the one you are having the affair with. Not their best friend, not their siblings, or colleagues. Nobody knows this relationship exists. A discreet relationship will give you all the perks of being in a regular relationship, except after the love-making, you and the participant have to go back home to your real partners and leave that momentary escapade behind in the hotel room.

What Is Considered As A Discreet Affair?

Now imagine you are married or have been in a serious relationship with someone for a long time but you are bored. You find everything mundane. You want to spice things up in your life because you miss the adrenaline rush, you miss the thrill of being chased or chasing someone without anyone else finding out about it.

You think your married life is boring or going downhill or you start to wonder if something is lacking in the bedroom. So you start a relationship with someone new, a discreet affair. Is it really any different than regular cheating? No. The only difference there is between discreet relationship meaning and what is known as cheating is that you can get away with it till you are caught. Until then, it remains a “discreet affair”.

You are tight-lipped about such extramarital affairs. It could simply start as workplace romance. Then it leads to you two meeting outside the office, which swiftly turns into a discreet affair. You are having fun, the person you are having a discreet affair with is having fun. You might even begin to think it is causing nobody any harm as long as you keep it under wraps. But you couldn’t be more wrong. 

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Is It Really Possible To Have A Discreet Affair?

Of course, it’s possible. Are you wondering how to have a discreet affair? Here’s what you need to do – don’t tell a soul about it. Don’t use electronic transactions to pay bills. Use cash wherever you go. Don’t save their number, not even an alias. Don’t write anything anywhere, in your journal, your secret diary, or in your notes. Make sure to shower before you go back home. You don’t want your spouse to smell another person’s scent on you.

Learn a few tricks to manipulate your partner and be cunning. Voila! There’s your perfect recipe on how to successfully have a discreet affair. Being discreet in a relationship is not easy work. Still people indulge in it. Why?

In a study titled Having Your Cake And Eating It Too: Factors Impacting Life Satisfaction During Outside Partnerships Concurrent To Primary Partnerships, in the pool of 1,070 interviewed participants, seven out of ten confessed that having an extramarital affair made them feel more satisfied in their marriage and gave them greater life satisfaction. That gives some perspective to the strangeness of indulging in something that will only cause destruction, doesn’t it?

I can’t help but question my biased stance here because I am afraid my tone will hint at an appalling amount of condescension and disregard for the people who take part in discreet affairs. Discreet relationship meaning has a lot of baggage for me personally. But I guess that is what will make your experience of reading this more authentic as it stands true to its bones. That’s why you should read it. Because it is coming straight from the heart of a person who has been through it all.

Related Reading: Why Do Married Men Cheat? Our Readers Share The Reasons

7 Things You Should Know About Having A Discreet Affair

It always sounds cliched, doesn’t it? You’re bored. You’re old. You are going through a midlife crisis. You need something to cheer you up other than the happy face of your spouse or the giggles of your children. No, these things aren’t enough. You want something else to remind you that you are not just alive, but pulsating with energy. You check out discreet affair websites. You find someone hot, probably someone hotter than your current partner.

You become greedy and selfish the minute you send that DM. Soon those initial exchanges turn into flirty text messages and then you decide to meet them. You might think meeting this new person will restore your happiness but this discreet affair only brings momentary happiness. Being discreet in a relationship takes a lot of work. What makes it feel like it is worth it? It is fun and games until things get real and your spouse unmasks all your lies. So before you think of having a discreet affair, here are seven things you should know about having one:

1. Is it just sex?

The world runs on two things – money and sex. Sometimes extramarital affairs can just be about sex. It can happen in the heat of the moment. Your coworker is leaning in front of you and you catch a glimpse of her cleavage. The scenario becomes hot and steamy and you end up contributing your bit to the whole workplace romance charade. But that may just limit itself to a one-night stand.

When one night turns into many nights, it’s a discreet affair. Some people think they don’t owe anybody their faithfulness. That they are entitled to have sex with anybody they want regardless of their relationship status. A discreet affair includes one or two married parties, so don’t you think they are already getting sex from their significant others? So, it’s clearly not just sex.

The primary thing that leads people to cheat is low self-esteem. They think that being loved by more than one person will boost their self-image. A study titled What Do People Do, Say, and Feel When They Have Affairs? that interviewed 495 people indicates that, in fact, there are eight key reasons why people cheat – anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, and situation or circumstance other than sexual desire.

Related Reading: The Anatomy Of An Affair

2. It’s the ultimate violation

What’s the ultimate violation of a relationship? Cheating. The main reason why people look for something else beyond what they have is their need for reassurance. From their physical appearance to their personality, the reassurance could be regarding anything. It might also happen due to feeling lonely. You feel your partner doesn’t love you or you don’t love your partner. You don’t want to tell them because you don’t want to see them hurt, so you indulge in a workplace romance or go on discreet affair websites to keep yourself entertained. 

Is that a wise thing to do? Why not save your partner the extra hurt you will cause them by having a discreet affair? If you have the courage to cheat on someone, then you sure as hell have the courage to confess you don’t love them anymore and want to end the relationship. Save your partner from life-long insecurity by being honest.

Is emotional cheating far worse than sexual cheating?

3. Insecure attachment style

Insecure attachment style basically means being filled with fear, uncertainty, or insecurity about one’s intimate relationship because of your unmet emotional needs as a child. Along with insecure attachment come poor emotional regulation, low self-worth, and, above all, the fear of abandonment. It could also be due to commitment issues.

If you have trouble staying loyal, then you have commitment issues. It is also known as commitment phobia or fear of commitment. People who have discreet affairs do not possess the ability to be loyal to one person. They might think they are deserving of love from more than one person. They are not entitled to being a one-woman-man or vice versa. 

The need to have a discreet affair is mostly deep-rooted. They seek validation from more than one person. It can be due to an underlying inferiority complex, which they try to disguise as a hedonist and conceited behavior. These are the masked emotions of a person who has a serious lack of self-worth. Hence the excitement of knowing they are having a discreet affair, of fooling their partner, trumps their better judgment.

4. Why men and women have a discreet affair

Most men want to have a discreet affair because they want to know if they are still desirable. He searches for assurances from someone other than his wife. Some men opt for a discreet affair because the other party has no expectations from the relationship. It’s just fun without the hassle of a commitment 

Women, most often, start a discreet affair because they want attention. Probably their husband or boyfriend is failing to give them the attention they want or deserve, so they take a different route and end up having a discreet affair with someone who loves them the way they desire to be loved. 

on betrayal and more

5. Are you having a discreet affair as a way to end your marriage?

This is often a subconscious way of trying to get out of a relationship. You are slowly becoming sure that you don’t want to be in your current relationship anymore. You don’t know if you want this person in your future. You are afraid to leave the marriage and subconsciously you know an affair would end your marriage.

Once you start a discreet affair, it all becomes clear to you. You have one foot in your marriage, the other in your discreet affair. After some time you are bound to tremble. Your feet will shake and you know for sure your marriage won’t survive once your spouse finds out about the discreet affair.

Related Reading: How To Find Out If Your Partner Is Cheating Online?

6. Discreet affair is a house of cards

One important skill that you require when having a discreet affair is the ability to lie. The wily craft of not stuttering while telling a lie will come in handy to those looking to have a discreet affair. Does a secret affair last? Ever? A discreet affair is like a house of cards. It is fated to crumble one day.

It’s not a noble act that one can be proud of. You might take part in a discreet affair because your husband has lost interest in you sexually or your wife isn’t fulfilling your sexual needs . You think your partner isn’t understanding of you or your needs, be it sexually or mentally. Any kind of infidelity is infidelity at the end of the day. You can’t justify a discreet affair because your needs weren’t being fulfilled. 

7. It is heartbreaking

If you are not a firm believer of monogamy and if your partner is aware of this and they are willing to accept or give a chance to being in a polyamorous relationship, then there’s no harm in exploring your options. But if your partner doesn’t know about your transgressions, then you are going to be the cause of someone’s countless sleepless nights once the jig is up about your discreet affair.

By being committed to one person, some people think they are missing out on having a good time with other people, probably better people than the one they are currently with. So they take up the adventure of having a discreet affair. It doesn’t just test the relationship you have with your spouse, it also tests your relationship with your friends, parents, and those close to you.

affair that includes one or two married parties
Discreet affairs are house of cards and can be heartbreaking for everyone when they crumble

To Cheat Or Not To Cheat – That Is The Real Question

In life, we are always tempted to try new things. It’s a test of our morality. When after four years, I found out about my ex-partner’s discreet affair, I was shocked by his manipulation and gaslighting techniques. How far can one go to hide their perfidy? Turns out, way too far. They can go farther than your imagination.

When cheaters are caught, the only answer they have is, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Seriously? You told a billion lies in all the years of being in a discreet affair but you fail to come up with one good lie when you are finally met with confrontation. What did you think you would do when you get caught?

If you are one such person who doesn’t know what guilt is or doesn’t value their partner’s sincerity or simply doesn’t respect their partner, then you might carry on or start a discreet affair. But don’t get too cocky, everybody gets caught because karma is bigger than anybody’s ego. You will be caught and you will have to face the music. And it won’t be pretty. 

Some people are so thick-skinned that guilt doesn’t get to them. They don’t have one but multiple discreet affairs and yet nothing stops them from sleeping peacefully at night. Those people are legit descendants of Satan. If you are lucky enough not to get caught, then kudos to you for mastering the art of deception. 

Key Pointers

  • An affair is discreet when nobody else has the slightest clue about the affair besides you and the one you are having the affair with
  • Reasons why people cheat can range from anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, and situation or circumstance to of course sexual desire
  • The need to have a discreet affair is mostly deep-rooted. One may seek validation from more than one person, have an insecure attachment style or underlying inferiority complex 
  • Discreet affairs are also often a way to subconsciously try to get out of the current primary relationship
  • Affairs are a house of cards ready to crumble and ultimately cause a lot of hurt for the parties involved

If you have been engaging in a discreet affair, or often feel compelled to… if you feel you would like to do right by your partner and come out clean… or if you are at the other end of this dynamic and need help dealing with a cheating partner, do not hesitate in approaching any one of the many experts on Bonobology’s panel of experienced counselors.


1. How do you keep an affair discreet?

Affairs are kept discreet through attention to details. Not sharing the secret with anyone, transacting in cash, not saving your affair partner’s phone number, and bathing after every rendezvous are ways people keep their affairs discreet.

2. How long do secret affairs last?

More than 50% of affairs last longer than a month but less than a year. But individual cases may vary. Secret affairs are a house of cards that, eventually, come crashing down.

3. Can affairs be true love?

The answer to this one is very subjective. Affairs by nature are not supposed to be true love. But a long-term affair can turn into love if it turns out to be a mutually beneficial healthy meaningful connection that both partners feel like committing themselves to.

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