The very nature of human life is defined by its precariousness, its uncertainty. Yet, all of us desire stability, sustenance and safety. And that’s why we plan, strategise, aim – with little knowledge that when it comes to ‘falling in love’, all such measures can evaporate in one single moment. You don’t even realise it and you’re falling in love with a married man. And that’s why it’s a fall, a free fall!
Not without its consequences though. Some survive and some perish. But sometimes, some of us choose the path of suffering and perish with full knowledge. And that’s definitely emotional suicide. One of the ways to do so is to simply fall for a married man in India!
What If You Fall In Love With A Married Man?
If falling is inevitable, let’s at least fasten our seatbelts and hope to prevent it from being a bumpy ride.
Yes, once the deed is done, there is no going back but there is still something you can do to protect your feelings and prevent things from getting worse.
Balancing your expectations
Let’s start with the pros first – given that the dark side is known to almost all of us. It’s not so bleak you see, if you have your intentions and expectations well in place.
One of the pros of falling in love with a married man has to be this: you don’t have to take over the numerous duties that automatically would have been dumped on you had you been his wife. We all know what I’m talking about.
You only get his love, the good sex perhaps and the once in a while secret dinners or getaways – along with the everyday phone calls.
Of course, our first advice would be to nip this in the bud and look elsewhere for a partner. Leaving a married man is the best course of action. However, if you want to continue down this treacherous path, know how to keep your expectations on the lowest of the low.
You’ll have to have a very clear sense of boundaries and you’ll need to do away with ideas like jealousy, insecurity. Sudden absence of your partner, along with the thought that he’s still having sex with his wife and you may not be the only girl in his life.
If need be, seek professional help. But if you want to hold on to this relationship and make it run, you will need it way down on your priority list. Your driving force or even your poison has to be something else: career/ambition could be one of the options.
How aware are you of your self-worth?
Related Reading: Expectations Finish Off Relationships; Vicky Kaushal
Legally, financially and emotionally, you clearly have no claim. There can be legal complications of dating a married man. He may not be available to you the way another boyfriend or a husband may be available to you. He may be a very kind-hearted gentleman. But he is practical too. Otherwise, he would have left his wife a long time ago.
And that’s exactly what makes him unavailable, although there will be signs a married man cares for you and those every day phone calls may make you believe that he is always around. Remember, deep down it’s as much a secret for him as it is for you. Therefore there is fear too. Yes, there are dangers of dating a married man but don’t let this fear get the better of you.
Always keep friends close by. It’s okay to reveal it to that super-close bunch of people (2 or at the max 3 in number) and keep your support group ready. This will also help you end your guilt trip – if you have one.
Affairs with married men psychology
There have been a lot of studies on why women find married men attractive and vice versa. It’s not just a phenomenon noticed in humans but in other animals as well. So, why does this happen?
- Commitment/intimacy issues: Some women who have a hard time committing to people find themselves automatically attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable. They intrinsically know that these men will not be able to offer them a long term commitment and hence they will not have to come to terms with their intimacy issues
- Married men have the stamp of a good partner: The whole fact that they are married gives them the stamp of someone mature, stable and unafraid of commitment. They took the plunge to marry, didn’t they? See how this is contradictory? We realise this but sometimes our brains do not. They still tend to think that the entire image pf a married man is that of a trustworthy and dependable one, despite him being willing to have an affair.
- Ego boost/superiority complex: Some women tend to get a false sense of superiority from the fact that a married man who has a wife and maybe children, still chooses her over them and is willing to put his marriage at a risk. Although this is narcissistic behaviour, sometimes it can’t be helped and makes people feel special.
For men, the idea is to keep the spice alive: which mostly is the human tendency of pining for things which aren’t completely attainable. That’s more than half the reason why women fall for married men.
Is it the sex or love?
If it’s only the lust story, then one can do away with the ‘no hang-ups’ business.
Related reading: The Bait
But unfortunately, for women, it doesn’t work that way. Something that may start as a casual office fling might eventually find an emotional hook to lodge itself in the heart with such permanency that pain is inevitable at the end of such an experience.
Keeping emotional boundaries for yourself is the trick. But then such things aren’t taught to us in this country.
Related reading: I love my husband, but sometimes I love the other man a tad more
In Love With A Married Man How To Stop It? – Damage Control
As implied above multiple times, there is no way that the collateral damage can be prevented in any way. If you are really looking for survival in such a relationship, I’m sorry but you’ll have to have the skin of a rhino!
No matter how much he complains about his marriage and talks badly about it, remember he isn’t leaving it for you.
- Look for answers from your own self. Ask yourself open-ended questions: Do you respect yourself? Are you really happy with this? Are you okay with being the second person in his life? Ask yourself, what is that hook that is keeping you here, with him. Is it truly love or is it something else?
- Be honest with yourself. After you are done with this introspection, you might realise the reason you fell in love with a married man, to begin with. Mayhaps there’s more to it than what you see on the face of it. It usually goes deeper than something that just happened like the reasons mentioned above. What’s important is that you be honest with yourself.
- End the relationship. After you have identified the real problem, it is time to end things. Put a stone on your heart and rip the bandaid off. Leaving a married man is hard. But we can guarantee you that it’s easier than staying in love with a married man and living a life of uncertainty an secrecy.
- Take your time to heal. Do not put pressure on yourself or dive into self-loathing. Take your time to heal after falling in love with a married man and then leaving him. It’s obviously been a hellish ride and you deserve some time to yourself. Go on a detox or a vacation. Re-learn to love yourself and know your worth.
You know you deserve better than this and are strong enough. Leaving a married man is the best thing you can do for yourself. However, if you do decide to stay involved, remember to put yourself first and keep your expectations low.
What’s your stake?
Perhaps the woman in this story by Urmi Chanda-Vaz has taken these lessons to heart and was, therefore, able to walk away so easily. Or the woman in this account by Tuli Banerjee, who seems to have found the perfect way to continue the affair without getting too hurt in the process.