As told to Shivi Goyal
There was no reason for not loving him, he seemed to be perfect for me from the day we began a relationship. I met Akash at my workplace; he was a nice and gentle guy, very close to all our colleagues in office. I was new to the company. We grew into friendship, shared moments, work, pleasure, pain and a whole lot of travelling together. It was nice to meet him and know him better and closer. AND then I found out that he was married.
I became close to him; we shared a great bond and pulled off into a very close and friendly relationship (maybe a little more than friendship). Till then it was not a committed love, but it was not forgettable either. His witty humour used to make me happy; we both loved gadgets, music, travel and partying. He was 3 years older than me and I felt like cuddling with him all the time.
I could have stopped myself from getting closer to him knowing that he was married and had a family. But sometimes some things are just meant to happen… I went with my guts.
For me it wasn’t a sexual or intimate relationship, but something into which I dove deep, emotionally and empathetically. The surprise came from him. One day we were travelling for a business meeting. He proposed a forever relationship. He said, “I can’t live without you, but I can’t be with you either. But can you please be mine in an open relationship where your soul meets mine (I can’t give name to it or explain in words).” I felt goose bumps all over – for a second my heart said, “Wow, this is what I want forever!” I had to hold back on being his forever, as I didn’t want to harm his marriage. But I agreed to be his bestie, because I loved him.
Related reading: What to do when you fall for a married man
It was a time when from morning to night his name was the last name on my cell phone. We spoke about his married life and his wife as well. But the story was sad; he wasn’t able to get what he wanted from marriage. It was a compromise for him, thus the relationship did not offer him the connection of hearts, togetherness, or friendship.
Months passed, and gradually I realised I can’t live without him. I know it was wrong, but I felt a sense of completion when he was around me. He was my armour. I never wanted him to break his marriage, but I also never wanted to remain apart from him.
And then it just ended. He broke up with me. Our four years of relationship ended with no reason given.
I kept sitting alone in a coffee shop, he came, said simply that we should break up.
His silence was an insult to me and for my love for him. At least he owes me an answer.
This was three years ago. I still think of him often, but I hate him for what he did to me. Moreover, as I haven’t got my answers and reasons for the breakup, it feels awful and claustrophobic. He has moved on but I’m still not married, maybe because I’m finding it difficult to cope with the breakup and the relationship. I don’t know whom to blame, what to do.
The one thing for which I’m waiting is, just once to look into his eyes before I die…and discover the reason. Maybe then I will be satisfied and can move on… Maybe.