What To Do If He is Keeping You As A Backup But Never A Priority

One -Sided Love | | , Communications Coach
Updated On: February 5, 2024
is he keeping me as a backup

If in your relationship you are constantly left wondering, “Is he keeping me as a backup plan?” then girl, sound the alarm. To avoid having to fall prey to a heartless two timing guy, you have to alert all your senses and figure out what’s really going on in your relationship.

Does he forget to call you back after work? Or is he ignoring you when you really need him around? If your guy is being evasive, neglectful and cold hearted towards you, it is possible that you might not be his priority. But then, who is?

Is He Keeping Me As A Backup?

There are many signs that you’re just the backup plan or a backup lover. If it all checks off the list and it turns out you are indeed someone’s second choice, it is time to turn things around. If you’re tired of being a ‘just in case’ relationship or having someone treat you like a ‘definite maybe’, read on to know what to do next.

Stop asking yourself “Am I his plan B?” and take the situation into your own hands. If you are tired of being a backup dancer in the ballroom of romance, here’s a 7-step guide for you to fix the situation:

1. Risk-assessment

As is often the case, love is a gamble. There’s no guarantee that we reap what we sow, and chances are, we can invest everything we have in one person, only to have them change their mind about how they feel about us. But that’s where the thrill lies and the challenge of getting it right is what makes it all so exciting.

However, being someone’s backup plan is no fun. Before you make any solid decisions, analyze the situation more carefully. What are the habits that are making him seem this way? Figure out and make a note of all the signs that are making you question, “Is he keeping me as a backup?”

Related reading: What Is Micro-Cheating And What Are The Signs?

2. Consider his feelings towards you

Has he told you that he loves you or does he really just enjoy the good sex? Being his backup lover means that he only finds time for you when he needs a booty call. If you are confused, you can consider devising little tests to see if he is really interested in you or not.

Try to plan a spontaneous and fun date and see if he makes the effort or is happy with you. To be sure if his heart is really into it, try to get to the bottom of his feelings.

3. Realize your own worth

The most important step is being confident in your own self. If you have your own self esteem issues, you might never be able to see through his lies. Instead of “Am I his backup plan?” tell yourself, “I am nobody’s backup plan”.

Self confidence and belief in one’s own beauty is key to walking away from someone who is exploiting you emotionally.

Related Reading: Exposing A Narcissist – What You Should Know

4. Confront him

If you want to never be someone’s backup plan, you have to stand up for yourself. If you think that you are being treated inadequately and are constantly left wondering if he really likes you, put an end to this cycle once and for all.

Talk to him and ask him what his intentions with you are. He will definitely try to save face to keep you tied down to him but you need to be smarter than that.

am i his backup plan
Question his commitment to you

5. See through the lies

If you are firm in your belief that you have picked up on signs that you’re a placeholder and that your boyfriend is actually in love with someone else, you need to stand by the same. When talking to him, he will do everything in his power to make you stay by lying to you.

It is your job in this situation to hold your ground and keep your head held high. Do not fall for his tricks again and get stuck in the loop of wondering, “Is he keeping me as a backup?”. Be better than that. Show him that you know and demand accountability for him.

6. Reflect on your own choices

If you fell into a relationship where you had to constantly ask yourself “Am I his second choice?”, it is possible that you might need some help too. When you settle for a sub-par relationship, the onus lies on you too. You might be an insecure person or dealing with an old heartbreak yourself.

Figure out what made you walk into a trap like this in the first place. There might be some unresolved tension brewing in you that caused you to settle for a relationship where you knew you were not treated well enough.

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7. Walk right out and do not look back

When being someone’s backup plan, the most important step is to walk right out before the quicksand of confusing feelings engulfs you again. You have to make up your mind beforehand that this is not something that is going to fly and you have to end the relationship as soon as you can.

Working through the differences is not an option because he might still be in love with somebody else. Only when you know that he has recovered and is not using you as a rebound relationship, can you consider forgiving him in the future.

Never be someone’s backup plan, no matter how desperate or alone you might feel. It is never worth it. You want to be in love with someone who sees their entire world in you and not someone who treats you like a mere stepping stone. Until then, be patient because the right guy will come along soon.


1. Why do guys keep you on the back burner?

They do so when they are confused about their feelings. They are not sure of who they want but also do not want to feel lonely so they might keep you like a placeholder until they can figure themselves out.

2. How do I make him realize my importance in his life?

By walking away from such a toxic guy. People always realize the worth of things when the lose someone and sadly, you must leave his life. If he does not see your worth naturally, no point forcing him to try.

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