should I give him another chance
Another chance – To give or not to give? You have reached a certain point in your relationship where you are wondering, “Should I give him another chance?”. He did something to hurt or offend you, but you don’t know what to do now. Don’t worry. We are here to guide you as always. You know we never let our readers feel alone when it comes to relationship crises.
You’ve probably dated this man for quite some time now because you wouldn’t be in such a pickle if this was casual dating. You have either fallen for him and want to see how far the two of you can go, or you are in a committed relationship with him already. And whatever he did wasn’t exactly a deal-breaker, but it still hurt you. That’s why you are deliberating on giving him another chance. Is it worth it though? Let’s find out.
Is It Worth Giving Someone A Second Chance?
When someone you love and trust hurts you, it becomes difficult to decide whether or not to give them another shot. You trusted this person. You were sure this person would never hurt you. However, they ended up causing you pain, either intentionally or unintentionally. You don’t know how to give them another chance after they hurt you. These are the situations you must consider if you regret breaking up and want to give someone a second chance:
- Do you still love him? If yes, then there’s nothing wrong in giving him another chance
- Has he taken responsibility for his actions? This is also another cue for you to reconcile and try to make it work
- If his words always align with his action, it’s another sign for you to keep trying because he is also trying his best
Should I give him another chance after he hurt me? When this question was asked on Reddit, a user replied, “Grief will make people say anything and everything. No matter how many times my ex said that he will do everything to keep me happy, here I am, broken up with him after 7 years of trying to make it work. A short time of being nice can go down the drain really fast. If you do want to keep trying, I think you should wait longer to see if he really changes. Sometimes, the timing just isn’t right, and two people just aren’t right for each other.”
A second chance is given only once. Not twice or thrice or as many times as a person keeps committing mistakes. If you keep inviting that person back into your life but you don’t see them changing their ways, it’s an alarming sign and you need to rethink the relationship.
9 Points To Consider If You Are Giving Him Another Chance
Second chances can work out if both people put in equal effort – and not just the person who made the mistake and is desperate to get back together, or not just the forgiver who is desperate to see their partner’s growth. Listed below are other things to keep in mind while reconciling with your partner:
1. You’ve both taken responsibility for the downfall
A relationship can never work when only one person is expected to shoulder all the accountability. You said things in the heat of the moment and so did he. If he has apologized for his actions, so should you. Don’t expect him to take all the blame because he started the fight or he started saying hurtful things in the relationship. If you did the same in retaliation, then you owe him an apology as well.
A Reddit user shares their insightful perspective on how apologies work in a relationship, “Learning how to apologize when you already know you’re wrong isn’t the hard part. The hard part is dealing with situations where both people have understandable reasons for the things they did, but someone (or both of them) still got hurt. You need to be able to acknowledge what happened, and how it felt to the people involved, without forcing one side to be wrong.”
2. Give him another chance if it was just a misunderstanding
If the reason for your breakup is just one big misunderstanding, it’s better to sit down and clear the air. Then, the two of you can give this relationship another chance because neither of you did anything wrong. Don’t let these trivial things come in the way of your happiness.
Anna, a social worker from New Jersey, wrote to Bonobology, “Should I give him another chance after he canceled a date and stood me up? He apologized for it even though I was the one who was late for the date. I kept him waiting for 30 minutes. When I reached there, he had left the restaurant. I even dropped a message saying I’d be late because of the traffic but he says he didn’t check his phone. I realize it could just be a stupid misunderstanding and we have scheduled another date. Let’s see how it goes.”
Related Reading: How To Forgive And Forget In A Relationship
3. He meant it when he apologized
Some people say “I am sorry” just to get out of a messy situation but they don’t mean it. Nonetheless, if your partner apologized wholeheartedly and meant what he said, then there’s no harm in giving him another chance.
Let’s say he ghosted you or ignored you for a few days. You’re thinking, “Should I give him another chance after he ghosted me and came back?” IF he has promised to not repeat his actions and if his reasons behind ghosting were genuine, then yes. For example:
- He had a huge work crisis
- He had a family emergency
- He was dealing with mental health issues
- He was battling an addiction
4. You both still love each other though you’ve broken up
Breakups hurt regardless of the longevity of the relationship. You can’t seem to imagine your life without him and you miss him terribly. If you desperately want your ex back, if he didn’t do anything major to hurt you, if the issue behind the breakup can be resolved, then you can give him another chance since you are hurting so much.
He still makes you feel like you are his number one priority, he appreciates your thoughts and presence, he makes you feel loved, and takes an interest in your interests. You can’t stop mourning the breakup and, clearly, it’s the same from his side as well. Then you can try to sort your problems in an effective way. Here are some tips:
- Practice emotional attunement in the relationship
- Accept that no relationship is perfect
- Talk about the problems but refrain from pointing fingers
- Be patient and try to understand things from their perspective
- Make each other feel seen and heard. Don’t invalidate your partner’s feelings
- Don’t let outside voices influence your relationship
- Communicate effectively and fight fair without using hyperbolic terms and without playing the blame game
Related Reading: 9 Expert Tips To Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself After Breakup
5. Should I give him another chance after he hurt me? Yes, if you are both willing to let go of your egos
Your relaitonship’s biggest enemy is your own ego. Understand that you cannot always be right. Furthermore, you cannot always play the victim card and get away with your shortcomings either. Don’t expect him to be the only person to let his ego slide while you place your ego on a pedestal beyond anyone’s reach. Similarly, he can’t make his ego a priority and treat you poorly.
If he is willing to work it out, then you can do the same and give this relationship a fresh start. You are trying to rebuild trust. Faith and happiness will come naturally when you put the relationship before your shallow pride. Second chances really do work for people who keep their egos aside for the sake of their partner’s happiness.
A Reddit user shares, “I think second chances can work out. They did for me and I am very happy now, 7 years later. We have now been together for 15 years. Adjusting to work on a relationship while not letting ego ruin it can be hard but it can work out in the long run if you both really want it to work.”
6. He is willing to compromise and so are you
Janice, a 30-year-old baker from Miami, asks, “Should I give him another chance after lying? He kept lying to me that he would compromise the right way on certain things. It’s been two months since we started dating again, but somehow it’s me who always has to compromise. Everything feels like a sacrifice now. I don’t think giving him a second chance was a wise decision on my part.”
If he isn’t willing to compromise as well, then let him go. But if he is making adjustments as much as you are, then he is showing you that he has the ability to grow in the relationship. And that’s worth another shot.
7. He is ready to be transparent with you from now on
Should I give him another chance after lying? Yes, if he has agreed to stop with all the white lies and is ready to work on himself. Lies are never good in any relationship. Maybe he lied to protect your feelings or to hide his mistakes or perhaps he is a compulsive liar. Whatever the reason, now that he has agreed to work on himself, it’s a good sign to give him another chance.
When asked on Reddit if lying is okay in a relationship, a user talked about compulsive lying, “Don’t look down at him for this. He needs to talk to a mental health professional. Compulsive lying is a learned trauma response that can be treated and worked through. If he is indeed a compulsive liar, he’s not doing this out of malice, he needs to get into therapy. When you talk to him, make sure he understands you’re coming from a place of love and concern rather than judgment. Help IS out there.”
8. Give him another chance if you can’t stand the idea of losing him to someone else
It’s heartbreaking when you see the person you love with someone else. If just the idea of him being romantic with someone else scares the life out of you, it’s a good idea to give him another chance. If he, too, is adamant about trying to make things work, then give him another chance because you have faith in him and you see a future with him. Go with your gut. Here are some signs you both are afraid of losing each other:
- You are his best friend and vice versa
- You’re both supportive of each other’s growth in all aspects of life including professional, intellectual, and emotional growth
- You can’t stay mad at each other for a long time
- You have a healthy way of handling conflicts
- You spend quality time with each other and find ways to celebrate and appreciate one another
Related Reading: How To Lose Feelings For Someone You Love And Let Go
9. His actions speak louder than his words
This is one of the main things to consider when you are confused about second chances. If you feel it in your bones that he genuinely loves you and it ‘shows’ in his actions, then you can give him another chance. He could be your soulmate and your ‘happy ending’. That ‘true love’. Words are soothing and affirming. However, it’s his actions that will make a difference at the end of the day. If he is saying he will change and his actions prove it, then he deserves a second chance.
When Not To Give A Second Chance
We also need to look at the difficult side of giving someone second chances. There are quite a few circumstances when a person isn’t deserving of your love because it can get toxic when you are the only giver. You put in so much effort just to see someone smile and be happy, whereas the other person just ‘exists’ and thinks that’s enough. That’s a person undeserving of forgiveness. Here are some other instances where you should never give someone a second chance:
- When the relationship involves abuse of any kind including verbal and non-verbal abuse like stonewalling, manipulation, and isolating you from others
- Should I give him another chance after he cheated? If he cheated once and you are ready to give it another shot, then that’s your personal choice. However, if his cheating is constant and he doesn’t seem to change his ways, then you are better off without him. Trust me when I say this, you deserve better
- If you want to give him another chance because you fear being alone, then it’s better to move on and learn how to get over your insecurities first. It’s not an ethical reason to be with someone
- Do you want to give him another chance because it looks like he has moved on and you are jealous? This is a bad reason to give him another chance too. It’s time you learn how to turn jealousy into personal reflection and focus on yourself before getting into another relationship
- Don’t give him another chance if he still can’t accept your past. If he comes back into your life, the two of you will end up fighting every day yet again
- It’s better to move on and not give him another chance if he doesn’t want to commit but you want commitment, or if you want a monogamous/polyamorous relationship and he wants the opposite
- Don’t give him another chance if he has trust issues and is always suspicious of you
- You can give your ex/partner another chance if he has apologized for his mistake and is focused on amends and making you his priority
- If you are both willing to smash your egos to keep each other happy, then you can give him another chance
- Don’t give him another chance if you’re scared of being alone, if he was abusive, or if he cheated on you multiple times
People don’t change overnight. You have to put in time and patience if you really want a relationship to survive. It’s important that you put yourself first. If you are unhappy and miserable with this man, it’s better to let go and move on. Nonetheless, if this person brings out the best in you and the two of you have never had a dull moment, then it’s worth giving this another shot.