Recently one of my close friends was caught in a peculiar problem. She had found this perfect partner in a seemingly cool guy and things were looking great for the two. Until she met his mother. Her lover literally idolised his mother. He would ‘only’ do things she would tell her and obey her to a ‘T’. No prizes for guessing what happened next. My friend had to move on.
It’s common belief that men who treat their mothers with warmth and affection will also treat their woman with love. That is also the reason why women usually fall for such men who appear to be sensitive and caring at the onset. But what happens when the hand that rocked your man’s cradle is also the hand that rules his life? When the husband is attached to his mother it does get really difficult for the wife.
Related Reading: 12 Ways To Deal With A Jealous Mother-In-Law
How many wives have faced situations like this?
- The husband has to go to the mother’s room after work, have tea, and then only he could go meet his wife.
- His mother has a curfew time for him to come home when he is out with his wife. This doesn’t apply though when he is out with friends.
- Frequent knocks on the bedroom door with some flippant excuse. Either she is feeling pain in her knees and needs your hubby to massage it which he starts doing instantly or she has left her specs in your room.
- The mother perpetually needs something or the other and the husband is happily fulfilling her demands.
It is tough to have a husband who is constantly under his mother’s influence. Here’s what you can do if your man is unwilling to let go his mother’s ‘pallu’.
How To Talk To Your Husband About His Mother
If you are dating someone who has a strong mother then chances are you will get a whiff of how your marriage would look like after you tie the knot. Some men do not even realise that they are being “Mamma’s boys” because it comes so naturally to them. For every small decision they go running to their moms who decide their life for them. But you might not be okay with this arrangement. Here’s how you should talk to your husband about his mother.
1. Tell him how you feel
As tricky as this may sound, talking to your guy about your discomfort is a good place to start. Without blaming anyone, make him understand how his momma’s behaviour is not helping your relationship. Focus more on your bond and the friction therein. Stay positive throughout the conversation.
Chances are your husband does not realise he is influenced by his mother because that is a way of life he is used to. He is used to his mother mollycoddling him and taking his decisions for him. So what shirt he should wear to the office party is always her decision and he happily accepts it.
She always shops for him and he wears whatever she buys. He’s never had his own choice. When you buy him a shirt his mother criticizes it.
Tell him he is an adult who should have the small freedom of choosing his own clothes perhaps. Make it clear to him that you do not take kindly to his mother’s interference in small things like this.
2. Do not let her put you down
Your husband might be deeply attached to his mother or is completely influenced by her but do not ever let her put you down. Your guy’s mom needs to know that she simply cannot disrespect you. Stand up for yourself. Do not let her words and actions upset you. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and views but how they express them is equally important. If she is being hurtful, don’t hesitate to sit her down and tell her how her negativity is bothering you.
Mom-in-law or to be moms-in-law have a tendency to compare themselves with their “bahus” and have this uncanny way of always showing how they are better than them. So there will be inevitable situations where she would try to put you down verbally with her snide comments. Tell her clearly that every woman has her own place in a man’s life. So like you can never take her place she could not take the wife’s place and subtly warn her that if she disrespected you in front of relatives she wouldn’t like it if you hit back publicly.
3. Keep your quarrels between you
What happens in your relationship must stay in your relationship. Very often couples let family members in, on their personal arguments and disagreements. It is important to set boundaries within the family. Make extra efforts to maintain privacy in matters that strictly concern only you and your partner. Do not encourage your partners’ deference to his mother in such cases.
Men have a tendency to sulk and at the dinner table if the mom asks him why he is sulking he could spill the beans. Then his mom could create a mountain out of a mole hill. From day one ensure that he never talks about your tiffs and fights to his mother no matter how attached he is to her.
4. Remind your spouse that you are his ‘go-to’ person
If you are thinking of how to talk to your husband about his mother then just make it very clear that he might be used to seeking his mother’s advice and input on everything but now that he has you, the equation must change. He is married to you and any decision that he takes will affect both of you. Let him know that it is your input he should want and explain how this will benefit the relationship in the long-run.
So if he is planning on a job change, an important investment or buying an apartment you should be the one to know first. He shouldn’t be rushing to his mother to get all the advice in the world. You now share a life together and the decisions should be taken by both of you together. It’s unfair to expect your husband’s mother will have a say in that.
5. Keep calm at all times
I know this is easier said than done, but trust me this is the greatest favour you can do to yourself. Stop getting affected by her and her remarks. Dealing with a husband who is under the influence of his mother is a tough job. Yes we know. But if you get involved in tiffs and fights with his mother it will not help matters at all. The best part is to stay calm and unaffected it will not only make you feel lighter; it will also give you an upper hand at dealing with her interference in your life. The key is to maintain your cool.
Read more: 15 signs your mother-in-law hates you
6. If he still runs back to his mom, then pack your bags and leave
Now don’t get us wrong, we are all for love and respect for one’s mother, but anything in excess is a recipe for trouble. As children it’s adorable and cute to be daddy’s little girl and mama’s baby boy. But as grownups it just has an opposite effect. It can get really harrowing for a wife to see her husband always acting under the influence of his mother.
You don’t really need to put up with the situation if you feel that the mother is looking for superiority and control in the relationship. In order to try to work things out we have discussed the ways (above) but if things still don’t fall in place then just call it quits.