How I Won Over My Boyfriend’s Mom

It is a beautiful experience to fall in love. Knowing someone will always be there by you no matter what and will always love you unconditionally is an indescribable feeling. Sadly, there are always terms and conditions that follow. In my case, the problem was that my boyfriend’s mother disliked me. My boyfriend’s mom hated me outright, so to say. She always taunted us when we were around and would not enjoy my presence in her company.

The transition from love to hate was long, but with these steps, I finally got my boyfriend’s mom to love me.

At first, I thought she only hated me because mothers often tend to get really obsessive about their sons. They only want a tall, slender, beautiful woman who is also traditional and they want her to be ‘in her limits’. I couldn’t help but wonder why my boyfriend’s mother hates me so much.

Why is she getting so involved in our relationship, anyway? It took me a while to realise that this wasn’t just an obsession and that she might have genuine reasons for not liking me.

Related Reading: Relationship with In-Laws: I was Scared of My Father-In-Law because…

How do you know if your boyfriend’s mom doesn’t like you?

Of course, meeting the parents and adjusting with your boyfriend’s family is not an easy transition. No one falls in love with you at first sight, unlike your boyfriend. However, how do you know if it’s actual feelings of hate instead of just initial doubt? Look out for these signs:

• She treats you with disrespect, to say the least.
• Whenever you’re around she acts visibly displeased as if your presence in the house just ruined her day
• She never fails to take a dig at your imperfections or make a “joke” that seems more like a backhanded insult
• You feel inadequate when you’re around her as she does not think you’re worthy of her son and makes no attempts to hide it
• She’s slightly pleased when you both fight
• Her double standards for you and the rest of the world almost shock you

There are lots of other visible signs too but chances are if your boyfriend’s mom hates you she will definitely exhibit these and you can know for sure. So, once you do know, how do you deal with your boyfriend’s mom not liking you? Read on to find out

My Boyfriend’s Mom Hates Me and Here Are 13 Things I Did to Make Her Love Me

I bet you’re wondering “How do I deal with my boyfriend’s mom not liking me?”

Well, I’m sure I won’t be the first one to tell you it’s not going to be an easy journey. Dealing with hate and rejection can be hard for anyone. Especially from someone who is so close and important to the one you love. But you must deal with it to make amends and improve your relationship with your boyfriend’s mom to make things easier for everyone involved.

The first step to dealing comes with acceptance. Accept that there might be things about you that she does not like and that’s okay. Secondly, you must try to figure out the why of it all. Why does she not like you or what are the things that she has a problem with?

Once you find this out, you can start working on a plan of action that will help you counter these feelings she has for you and re-build a healthy relationship with your boyfriend’s mom.

It was a long and gradual process, but eventually, my lover’s mother did start liking me and now, she cannot go a day without calling me or asking me to talk to her son about his bad habits! Here’s how I got my boyfriend’s mom to love me.

Related Reading: Why I became happier when I stopped trying to please my in-laws. 

1. I talked about it with my boyfriend

Somehow, I always had a very strong intuition that my boyfriend’s mother did not really appreciate my presence, but I was never able to put a finger on the reason why. Since I have never been close to his mother, I couldn’t confront her with the problem.

Therefore, I confronted my boyfriend, for it is impossible that his mother could dislike me but not mention anything about it to him.

Related Reading: 7 stories of what in-laws did to make these women feel at home. 

Once, I went on a car ride with my boyfriend and very carefully explained the situation to him. Turns out, his mother did not like me because I belonged not only to a different caste, but a different religion altogether. I could feel that my boyfriend’s mom hates me but now I knew why as well.

Unsettling as that was, I just knew I’d have to try new ways to get my boyfriend’s mother to see me as more than a girl of a different religion.

My advice to you would be the same. Have a conversation with your man and try to identify the reason for her mother’s dislike towards you.

2. I dressed according to what she thought was appropriate

I would like to think of myself as a 21s- century modern woman. I like my boxer shorts and oversized t-shirt. If I have to go out, I like to don a cute crop top with jeans. Obviously, a middle-aged lady would not fancy such clothing. Honestly, it does unnerve me, because I should be able to wear what I want to without offending anyone.

Related Reading: Are We Ready As A Society For Indian Women To Wear Shorts?

But sadly, India hasn’t progressed so much. It was hard to accept that my boyfriend’s mom hated me just because I dress differently than what she expects!

To get my boyfriend’s mother to like me, I had to dress according to what she liked. My boyfriend once told me that his mother loved a Kurti and pair of jeans, so I wore apparels around Kurtis to show her that I respected her choice.

Being a rebel here certainly would have given me my way, but at the cost of a troublesome future with my love. If wearing Kurti for one hour in front of his mother eases her even a little bit, why not do it?

3. I spent less time at his house when she was around

I could wear all the appropriate apparel I wanted, but I still knew my boyfriend’s mother would still not appreciate my frequent visits to her house. I had to avoid being around her as much as I could and that’s exactly what I did. I avoided going to his house when she was around and when I had to go, I ensured that a respectable distance was maintained between my boyfriend and me.

I applied a very basic strategy at this point. I did not visit my boyfriend’s house regularly, but I still dropped by a few times, like once in two weeks, so that she would know that I am here for the long run and I am not leaving her son but at the same time, I did not mean to come between her and her soon and give them enough space and distance.

4. I refrained from even hugging him when she was around

I acknowledged the fact that my boyfriend’s mother has no soft corner for me. It would greatly disturb her if she saw me getting too comfortable with her son around her. I knew I needed to respect that. This is why I avoided any sort of PDA, even hugging, around her.

I had to take my time to get her to like me and this was one of the primary steps I took. I had to show her that I respected her and I would not go hanky-panky with her son without caring about what she feels. I also knew that my boyfriend’s mom hates me and would not give in so easily.

Related Reading: After being opposed to our marriage, how my in-laws finally accepted me

5. I offered to help her with whatever she did

No parents like their child’s friends coming over, eating meals, dirtying the house and not even offering to help. To be honest, this entire scenario used to give me constant flashbacks of the movie 2 States, where Ananya visits Krish’s house, but his mother does not approve of Ananya.

Yet, just like Ananya, I offered to help in any way that I could as well. Although unlike Ananya, I knew how to cook well. I helped her in cooking, arranging the dishes, cutting salad and anything else that she needed help with. I believe this was a major step in her being comfortable with me.

It made her realise that I am a caring and helpful and I’m not just here to mess around with her beloved son.

6. I showed a genuine interest in her hobbies

This part demanded a little bit of homework. I kept asking my boyfriend about his mother’s likes and dislikes and acted accordingly.

Turns out that his mother loved reading poetry. Every night Googled poems by Faraz and Ghalib, and would read them out with his mother. I even gifted her books of poetry twice with a sweet note in those books.

Not only that, but I also asked her questions related to poetry. I would listen intently as she would tell me stories of how Faraz always captured her emotions and how the shared love for poetry ignited the love between her and her husband.

Showing genuine interest in her hobbies made her realise that I truly care about her likes and dislikes and I am mindful of them and that I’m here to make a genuine effort to win her over.

7. I continued to treat her with respect

Knowing well enough that my boyfriend’s mom hates me, I never let my feelings get the better of me. Getting my boyfriend’s mother to love me was a long process, sure. There were times when she would suddenly feel unsettled about my presence and lightly taunt me or my boyfriend about it.

Once, I was sitting at his place after a long day when his mother said, “Kids these days get so tired doing the smallest of tasks”. I knew that was a taunt directed towards me, but I also knew I had to handle it with dignity.

Despite such taunts, I treated her with respect, laughed her off and sometimes even appreciated her for being better. For example, when she mocked me with the previous statement, I simply laughed it off and told her how we never have to work as much as her generation had to, which is why we get tired faster.

This did impress her since it made her realise that  I acknowledged her efforts and hard work.

Related Reading: 8 times movie mothers-in-law were worse than your real MIL

8. I avoided instigating fights as much as I could

Sure, there were times when she would get meaner (thankfully, she was never nasty towards me). During those times, I wanted to stand up and yell at her for those mean words, but I avoided it as much as I could.

By this time, I knew that my boyfriend’s mother had started disliking me less, but she was still taking her time and making peace with the fact that I am not of the same caste as them. This understanding and acceptance of her irrational behaviour helped me make peace with not only hers but also, my own emotions.

If you think your partner’s mother still doesn’t like you, you also need to accept the mentality she has grown up with, which is difficult to change. It might take a long time, but it will eventually happen. You have to persevere.

9. I stopped expecting my boyfriend to always stand up for me

It used to annoy me to my core when my boyfriend would look at things with a practical perspective instead of standing up for me. He would calmly handle the matter, explain things to his mother and I,  very logically, and settle things down.

I knew this was the right way to go about it, but it made me very angry sometimes. Eventually, I realised that what he was doing was indeed practical, and at the very least, he wasn’t taking any sides. He was always fair and rational.

Once I stopped expecting him to stand up for me, it made things easier for me as well, for I realised that there will always be a third-person perspective around which will make more sense. He supported us both in this transition stage.

10. I avoided arguments with my boyfriend when his mother was around

It is impractical to state that we never fight. We certainly fight but we do have lesser arguments, but there are times when I want to tear his head off. However, no matter how heated the situation got, I made sure we never fought in front of his mom.

The reason for this was that his mother was still far away from being absolutely comfortable with me. She had her recurring apprehensions. I had to avoid any event that would confirm her doubts about me.

If she caught me and her son in an argument, she would definitely believe that I am going to disrupt his life (you know how mothers can be very obsessive towards their sons, right?) Which is why I never brought up any topics of potential argument when she was around.

11. I maintained my boundaries at all times

I realised, gradually, that I would have to have some boundaries with my in-laws, (future, though) so I started early. The boundaries here stood for everyone. I would stand up for myself if things got very nasty, I avoided PDA in front of his mom and I avoided overstepping her authority when it came to her relationship with her son.

Understanding and maintaining boundaries certainly assisted in the growth of a new bond between my boyfriend’s mother and me.

12. I began treating her like a person, not his mother

Thinking of her as my boyfriend’s mother put her on a hypothetical pedestal, which created a hindrance in our budding relationship. I realised that she is an individual and soon I began treating her that way.

This not only helped her it also helped me, for the nervousness I originally felt when I would be around her gradually vanished. It helped her as she realised she can be my friend too and our relationship can grow beyond just a boy’s mother and his girlfriend.

13. I didn’t pick on my boyfriend to get along with his mother

This is one mistake I noticed most women made while getting their boyfriend’s mother to like them. They would pick on their boyfriends thinking it would be funny and the mother would laugh. Well, wrong. Mothers do not like their sons being teased by others, especially by a random girl she barely knows.

I made active efforts to never joke about my boyfriend around his mother. Instead, I displayed how much I respect their relationship and how much I adore my boyfriend for being such a good son to her.

Eventually, his mother realised that I have great respect for my boyfriend and his family and I have no intentions of disrupting their relationship or their lives. Thankfully, with all these efforts, my boyfriend’s mother began seeing me beyond just a girl from a different caste.

She now sees me as a smart individual, who is a good match for her son, and now, she calls me more to complain about her son!

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