10 Signs You Have A Toxic Daughter-In-Law And How To Deal With Her

It’s not always the MIL’s fault

In-Laws | | , Writer
Updated On: November 26, 2024
Manipulative Mother-in-law
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Family dynamics often change after a marriage as a new member is added to the family, which may even lead to conflict. So, is it just a phase as your daughter-in-law adjusts to this change or is she a toxic person? In this article,  We’ve curated 10 signs you have a toxic daughter-in-law and practical steps on how to manage the situation. Understanding these signs can empower you to set boundaries, foster healthier interactions, and create a more balanced family environment.

What Is A Toxic Daughter-In-Law?

We often hear tales about difficult mothers-in-law, but the other side of the story—dealing with a toxic daughter-in-law—is rarely discussed. While many expect mothers-in-law to act possessive or difficult, it’s equally important to recognize the subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle behaviors that signal a toxic daughter-in-law. If your daughter-in-law only cares about her family and regularly dismisses your family traditions, undermines your authority, or makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home, these may be signs of a jealous daughter-in-law. Recognizing these signs early can prevent minor issues from escalating into family-wide tensions.

toxic daughter-in-law
 Toxic daughter-in-law

The impact of a toxic daughter-in-law extends beyond immediate conflicts; it can threaten the harmony of your entire family. Toxic daughter-in-law signs include controlling tendencies, isolation tactics, and attempts to monopolize your son’s attention. In some cases, this behavior can even lead to estrangement between you and your son, which can be incredibly painful. Understanding the signs and learning to manage these situations can help maintain a peaceful family environment and keep relationships intact.

10 Signs You Have A Toxic Daughter-In-Law

If you suspect that your daughter-in-law may be affecting your family dynamics negatively, you need to look for specific signs to understand how to resolve the issue. Here are 10 signs you have a toxic daughter-in-law.

1. She’s selectively sweet

A toxic daughter-in-law may be noticeably absent when you need her support or company but appears suddenly affectionate when she needs a favor. She may claim to be too busy to answer your calls or messages, but when she requires something—such as a babysitter, a recipe, or advice—she becomes unusually charming. This inconsistent behavior suggests manipulation and selfishness, as she only engages with you on her own terms. Observing this pattern is one of the early signs your daughter-in-law doesn’t like you genuinely.

Related Reading: Navigating In-Law Toxicity and a Husband’s Betrayal

2. She forces your son to choose sides

Have you ever heard MILs complain “my daughter-in-law is controlling my son”? When conflicts arise, a toxic daughter-in-law may push your son to pick sides rather than trying to resolve the conflict. Statements like, “Do you care more about your mother than your own family?” are meant to create divisions and prioritize her needs above all. This tactic can strain your bond with your son as he feels torn between two people he cares for deeply. What to do when your daughter-in-law turns your son against you? Aim for open dialogue without putting your son in a difficult position, letting him see both perspectives independently.

3. She uses the grandchildren as leverage

A controlling daughter-in-law involves your grandchildren in her conflicts with you. She might do this by:

  • Limiting their time with you 
  • Speaking negatively about you to them
  • Influencing how they view you

These tactics prevent the grandchildren from forming their own connections with you and ultimately harm the family bond. A daughter-in-law who manipulates family relationships to assert control may have deeper issues that need addressing.

Related Reading: 10 Ways To Deal With Disrespectful In-laws

4. She displays hostility and disrespect

Hostility can range from passive-aggressive behavior to overt displays of anger. If she regularly makes snide remarks, dismissive gestures, or openly challenges you, she is signaling her unwillingness to build a respectful relationship. Sometimes, this hostility can escalate to yelling or throwing things, creating a tense atmosphere in the household. Recognizing these behaviors as toxic daughter-in-law signs allows you to address them directly or set boundaries to avoid further conflict.

a rude and disrespectful daughter-in-law
a rude and disrespectful daughter-in-law

5. She limits communication between you and your son

If you notice that she discourages your son from calling or visiting, this isolation tactic is concerning. Many mothers-in-law wonder what to do when your daughter-in-law turns your son against you. The key is to remain calm, not to react emotionally, and encourage open communication with your son without explicitly blaming her, as direct confrontation may worsen the situation.

Related Reading: 12 Things To Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You

6. She only cares about her own family

Another telling sign is that the daughter-in-law only cares about her family while disregarding yours. She may consistently put her family’s traditions, events, or needs ahead of yours, which can create resentment. This behavior demonstrates that she may not fully respect or value the bond you share with your son. If she continues to make her family the priority, it’s essential to find a balance by setting boundaries.

7. She insists on making household decisions

A controlling daughter-in-law may assume authority over household matters, even when it’s not her place to do so. She may demand changes in family routines or enforce new rules, making it clear that she wants to control the environment. Recognizing this behavior early allows you to have a constructive conversation about respecting traditions and shared decision-making.

Related Reading: Living With The In-laws: What Works For You And What Doesn’t

8. She talks behind your back

Another one of the 10 signs you have a toxic daughter-in-law is that she badmouths you behind your back. Gossip and spreading negativity are toxic behaviors that can damage relationships over time. If she talks negatively about you to other family members or even acquaintances, this can create a divide and turn others against you. This behavior is not only hurtful but also reflects her desire to alienate you. Maintaining composure and not responding in kind can help prevent further damage.

9. She displays aggressive behavior

Aggression in any form, whether verbal or physical, can be challenging to manage. If your daughter-in-law resorts to aggressive tactics like shouting or throwing things, it’s a sign of emotional immaturity. A toxic daughter-in-law who cannot control her anger may need professional help to learn healthier ways of expressing frustration.

controlling daughter-in-law
A toxic DIL displays aggressive behavior

10. She’s manipulative

Manipulative behavior often involves twisting facts, distorting conversations, or undermining your authority. If she frequently acts spitefully, perhaps by intentionally excluding you or downplaying your role in the family, these actions reveal deeper insecurities. Recognizing manipulation is essential to addressing issues constructively without escalating conflicts.

9 Ways To Deal With A Jealous, Toxic Daughter-In-Law

Wondering what to do when your daughter-in-law turns your son against you? Addressing tensions with a toxic daughter-in-law can be delicate. While her actions may be challenging, responding thoughtfully can help ease conflicts and create a more peaceful family environment. The goal is not to change her but to find ways to manage her behavior without escalating issues. Whether she’s jealous, controlling, or dismissive, each of these strategies offers a way to maintain family harmony while setting respectful boundaries. Here are nine practical tips on how to deal with a difficult daughter-in-law.

1. Accept your son’s choice

It’s natural to feel disappointed if you and your daughter-in-law don’t get along. You may think things like “My daughter-in-law is controlling my son.” However, remembering that she is your son’s choice can help ease these feelings. Showing her acceptance and respect can foster a sense of belonging, reducing her need to be defensive or assert control. Acknowledging her role in your son’s life can help her feel secure, which might soften her approach toward you. By supporting their marriage, you create an environment where mutual respect can grow.

Related Reading: How Living In A Joint Family After Marriage Worked Out For Me

2. Respond with kindness

Even if she displays signs of jealousy or hostility, responding with kindness can diffuse tension. Small gestures, like complimenting her on a job well done or asking about her day, may help her see you in a new light. It’s common for daughters-in-law to feel uncertain about their new family role, and your kindness can ease this transition. Over time, she may come to view you as an ally rather than an adversary. Staying calm and compassionate also demonstrates to other family members that you’re striving for peace.

Be kind to her
Be kind to her

3. Build a friendship

Many daughters-in-law may feel isolated or insecure in a new family environment. Building a friendship can help bridge this gap and create a sense of belonging. You could invite her for a coffee date or engage in a shared interest, showing her that you’re interested in getting to know her as a person. By reaching out, you encourage her to open up, which can strengthen your relationship and reduce misunderstandings. Friendship can help her see you as a trusted family member rather than a figure to compete with.

Related Reading: How I Refused To Be An Evil Mother-In-Law And Unfollowed Tradition

4. Focus on your grandchildren’s happiness

If you have grandchildren, focus on creating a warm, positive relationship with them. Your daughter-in-law may try to limit your time with them if she perceives you as a threat. Instead of engaging in conflicts, show her that you respect her role as their mother and want to add value to their lives. Spending time with your grandchildren, with her approval, can demonstrate that you’re willing to work within her boundaries. This approach helps reinforce your family bond, which can positively influence her perception of you.

Think about your grandchildren’s happiness
Think about your grandchildren’s happiness

5. Get to know her as a person

Another great tip on how to deal with a difficult daughter-in-law is to take time to understand her background, interests, and values. Knowing her better can reduce misinterpretations and help you empathize with her perspective. Perhaps she feels insecure due to cultural differences or previous family experiences. By understanding her unique viewpoint, you can approach conflicts with empathy. Show interest in her life, ask about her career, or offer support in her hobbies. This effort can break down emotional walls, helping her feel seen and valued as an individual.

Related Reading: How To Impress Your In-laws In The First Meeting

6. Respect their space and set boundaries

Modern couples value independence and often want to establish their own household routines. Showing respect for their space and privacy can prevent conflicts. Instead of expecting regular visits, allow them to decide on family interactions. Boundaries benefit everyone, as they give your son and daughter-in-law the space to build their life together. By supporting this, you reinforce that you respect their relationship. When they see your willingness to step back, they may even initiate more frequent, positive interactions on their own.

7. Communicate directly, not through your son

When issues arise, approach your daughter-in-law directly instead of bringing your son into the middle. Involving your son can create more friction and stress, making him feel torn between two important people in his life. Addressing her directly shows respect and maturity and helps prevent misunderstandings. Whether it’s about family traditions or simple household preferences, speaking to her one-on-one can build trust and help resolve misunderstandings without adding strain on your son.

Related Reading: 7 Things I Felt When I Met My In-Laws For The First Time

8. Accept that some things won’t change

If you’ve made repeated efforts to improve your relationship with little success, it may be time to accept that she won’t change. People often have fixed personality traits that may not align with family expectations. Accepting her as she is can bring you peace, even if she continues to be difficult. While this acceptance may feel like a compromise, it can actually reduce stress and foster a more balanced family dynamic. Recognizing that change may not happen allows you to focus on what you can control.

On-Daughter-In-Law

9. Keep the family’s best interests in mind

In all interactions, prioritize the well-being of the family. Even if this means compromising or overlooking certain issues, focusing on family harmony can have positive long-term effects. Avoid letting small conflicts grow into major issues that impact the family atmosphere. By modeling patience, you reinforce to everyone the value of a cohesive family. When the family is your top priority, it’s easier to navigate challenging relationships and focus on the bigger picture of love and support.

FAQs

1. How do you deal with a passive-aggressive daughter-in-law?

Your daughter-in-law might be controlling and possessive but you have to ensure that you do not make her feel insecure. Try to be friends with her and make her comfortable in the new family and soon she would realize that you mean well.

2. How to cope with a narcissistic daughter-in-law?

Dealing with a narcissist is not easy because they are only thinking of themselves. In that case, you need to let go. Let your son be happy with your daughter-in-law and you be happy with a few weekend visits from them.

3. What are the signs your daughter-in-law doesn’t like you?

She wouldn’t want to take your advice, would try to ensure your son doesn’t listen to you either, would run her own home as differently as possible from yours, and would be lukewarm with you when you meet. When your daughter-in-law turns your son against you, that too is a sign she dislikes you.

4. Why do daughters-in-law dislike their mothers-in-law?

The MIL-DIL clash is something that has been happening for ages and it stems from the possessiveness both ladies feel towards the man in their lives. Daughters-in-law dislike their mothers-in-law because they feel they are interfering and controlling.

5. What to do when your daughter-in-law turns your son against you?

If something like this happens, first of all, keep your cool. Do not go around stomping your feet in the house and creating more discomfort. If you’re seeing any of the 10 signs you have a toxic daughter-in-law who is changing the dynamics in your house, try to get to the bottom of the issue. Why is she doing this? Is it her own insecurities or something else? Then, try to develop a friendship with her and show her that she has nothing to be threatened of. This way, she will feel more comfortable.

Key Pointers

  • Understanding early signs of a toxic daughter-in-law can help prevent long-term family rifts
  • Directly involving your son in every disagreement can strain your relationship with him. Handle issues calmly and directly
  • Healthy boundaries prevent misunderstandings and respect everyone’s space within the family
  • Whenever possible, address issues directly with your daughter-in-law rather than speaking about her through others
  • Demonstrate patience, kindness, and respect to foster a more amicable family dynamic

Final Thoughts

Dealing with a toxic daughter-in-law can be challenging, especially when family bonds and values are at stake. Recognizing the signs, such as controlling behavior, selective communication, or manipulation, is the first step toward addressing the issues. Knowing what to do when your daughter-in-law turns your son against you can help you approach these situations with maturity and empathy. By setting boundaries, promoting open communication, and respecting everyone’s space, it’s possible to foster a more peaceful family environment. Remember, family harmony is built on respect, understanding, and a willingness to work through challenges together. With patience and perspective, even the most complex relationships can improve.

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Readers Comments On “10 Signs You Have A Toxic Daughter-In-Law And How To Deal With Her”

  1. This was the biggest bunch of crap! I have had 20 years of hell from the first day I met my sick daughter in law. Maybe you don’t have experience with a truly evil person. She is hateful just because she can.

    1. whatdidijustread

      What do you disagree with in this article? Do you expect your son to see you every weekend? Do you expect that you can go to their house anytime you want, uninvited? And then do you criticize her housekeeping?
      What does she do that is so evil?
      And if she’s evil, why did your son choose her?
      You were supposed to raise a smart boy. Did you fail?

      1. To: WhatdidIjustread
        What an insensitive statement. I went into counseling over this and found out this is a common problem now. I was secure enough that I was glad for my husband to have a close relationship with his mother – even if I didn’t like her that much. These women are insecure and want the son’s parents to be completely cut out while she keeps her parents close. I never showed up at their house without calling – which was rare – while her parents could show up anytime and were constantly there. My son married a controlling witch and I’m leaving this to God to handle it, but it is a shame that she is threatened by parents who love their son, and my son has been brainwashed by her lies. Yes, he has a problem, too, that he can be manipulated this way. I do think he will pay for his choice.

    2. To anonymous: I know what you mean. My son made a terrible choice and she will never be secure enough to share my son occasionally. She will do anything she can to destroy my relationship with my son. I tried all of the things in this article but she was awful right from the start. I truly feel bad for my son because she is doing things that will keep his life in constant chaos and will not be good for my grandson, or her older son from a previous relationship. She sees me as a babysitter or someone to provide gifts. And now I will do neither.

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