(As told to Saurabh Das)
While growing up and studying in an all-boys school, I observed that I was attracted to men sexually. During my initial years, I couldn’t understand it much, treating it just as another hormonal adventure.
However, when I passed school and reached college, the attraction increased. But I was not gay, I was bisexual. I was equally interested in women as well. Now, that’s a complex situation, and sometimes hilarious, because I was attracted to beautiful women and handsome men at the same time, so I had more options, right? So I must be happier? Wrong! Living in Indian society makes it even more difficult. I had to hide my sexuality and show to the world that I am straight. I had to act all the time, with my family and friends, that I was ‘normal’ like them. But I had a couple of same-sex relationships as well and a few opposite sex relationships. And I was deriving equal pleasure from both of them.
Then I fell in love
But the real problem started when I was in college, and I was in love with a boy and a girl at the same time. Also, I had to hide the relationships from both the partners. However, this led to guilt and I started feeling as if I was cheating on both of them, but the fact was that I was behaving ‘perfectly naturally’, as I was bisexual.
One day, I decided to let both my lovers meet, telling them they were going to meet my ‘good friend’. So we met at a coffee shop and I introduced them to each other. It was a perfectly normal meeting, with the one-party seeing the other as just ‘friends.’ I was glad that they finally knew each other, and this somehow reduced my guilt towards them, that I was hiding something! This first meeting started a series of meetings, where we three met and talked about anything under the sun. I was happy that we were all a gang now, but at the same time, a sense of unease took over. And that was about the future.
Whether I was going to spend my life with male or female, I had to figure that out by finding out whom I was attracted more towards? I took a few days before I realised that I was ‘equally’ into men and women. Yes, totally equally!
Girlfriend, meet my boyfriend
As a next step, I decided to tell my male lover that I was in love with that girl too, and that I was bisexual. At first, he couldn’t believe me and laughed it off, since he thought I was ‘gay’ like him. But then I told him I loved her as much as I love him. He was kind of taken aback by the confession, but in a couple of days, he accepted this fact and asked me to continue with her as well. He had no problem!
After a few days, I confessed my sexuality to my girlfriend as well and explained that being bisexual, I have the potential to love men equally and that I was in love with that boy. She was shell-shocked and left the scene in an instant. I was prepared for this. After a couple of days, I called her and fixed up a meeting with her. She was normal but after a few days asked me to break up with that guy and choose her exclusively. I told her I couldn’t do this, as I was in love with him as much as I am in love with her. But she insisted and said she wouldn’t stay in such an arrangement. I was mentally prepared for everything. I told her to give me a few days before I came up with a solution.
Hiding my bisexuality
A few days later, I met my boyfriend and told him that we had to break up since it would be difficult for us to come out in society as a same-sex couple. It’s legal but society is not going to accept us like different-sex relationships. And since I was bisexual I could choose a woman over man, and that’s my right. I told him to choose ‘an exclusive gay’ for his future because two gays are better than a gay and a bisexual. He kind of understood my point of view, and we parted mutually. He was mature and understanding enough!
I came back to the girl in my life and did not regret the decision to leave my boyfriend. Today, I am married to the woman I loved and she had accepted my bisexuality. There are instances when I am attracted to men, but I keep it under check because my wife is very loving and caring, and I won’t cheat on her anymore.
While my boyfriend and girlfriend saw it as something serious, I found the whole episode hilarious. God can give you any kind of sexuality and you just have to live with that.
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I wish we create more spaces for people with alternate sexuality rather than the hetro-normative claustrophobia that we have