I like this guy, but he already has a girlfriend. However, he used to flirt with me, and I could tell he liked me. Eventually, he betrayed his girlfriend with me, and honestly, I was so happy. Now, I am feeling guilty and confused as he has gone back to his girlfriend. I feel like I’m the other woman and his secret. He says he will leave his girlfriend and that he cares about me, but he is just not good at expressing his feelings. My friends tell me I should move on and that his behavior is not fair to anyone, not to me or his girlfriend. They keep saying, ‘If he cheats with you, he’ll cheat on you,’ but I just feel like this is different. On one hand, I feel guilty and ashamed of what we’ve done, but on the other, I want him to leave her for me.
Being the other woman is a very difficult spot to be in, because you never receive the love and care that you crave. It’s made even more complicated by the feelings you have towards him as well.
The first thing to consider here is that regardless how much you want him, or like him, if you were the person he wanted to date, he would be dating you. I know this realization is very difficult to get to, but the chances of a man like this treating you well are slim. By continuing to make yourself available to him, you are hurting yourself. This will have long term repercussions on your sense of self worth and self esteem. Love is not something that can be earned or begged for, because it is always freely given. You deserve to experience love that is freely given to you, and something you didn’t have to struggle for.
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Secondly, over time, the guilt and shame will add up and make things all the more difficult for you. Even if he breaks up with her to be with you, the sense of security that comes with exclusive commitment will be absent in your relationship. Some men cheat simply because it is more exciting for them than remaining in a healthy relationship. And if he doesn’t think he is doing something wrong, or if he continues the same behavior, he is not likely to change himself for you. Many women carry the misconception of being the one who can change another person simply through love, but no one is an exception here. Being with him will not bring you the peace or the joy you’re fantasizing about.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to leave this man behind and move on. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you exclusively and all the time. Understandably, this is a tough pill to swallow, so please don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist or counselor to help you navigate these complex feelings.
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It is highly likely that he does regret cheating, as that is usually a decision taken in a lapse of judgment. Many who cheat feel remorse for their actions, or feel remorse over being caught.
There are a few possible reasons behind a guy cheating on his girlfriend with you:
1. Cheating is more exciting than staying in a healthy relationship. If he is someone who does not know how to function under secure attachment, he may begin to feel “bored” in a healthy relationship.
2. He has lost or is losing feelings for his girlfriend.
3. He feels stuck or suffocated in his relationship, or all of his needs (emotional or otherwise) are not being met in the relationship.
4. They want to get out of the relationship but don’t have the courage to break up up front.
5. This reason is not true for all men who cheat, but for some it is a habitual behavior.
Staying with a man who is comfortable with cheating is not good for you. It will make you insecure of his attention and affection towards you, and will affect your self esteem poorly. This will eventually create a cycle wherein you come to rely exclusively on him as a source of your self worth.