Breakups are painful. There are lots of underlying issues at play and the possibility of lingering feelings for an ex. That’s why when the question of being friends with your ex comes up, you’ve got to think long and hard about how it would impact you emotionally, whether it’d impede your healing and ability to move on. Even if you decide that you’re ready for a platonic connection with someone you were once romantically involved with, it’s imperative to have certain boundaries for being friends with an ex.
You don’t want to reignite your feelings toward your former partner nor do you want to let any unresolved anger or resentment cast a shadow on your friendship. Most importantly, you need to be aware of your motivation behind wanting to be friends with an ex. In this article, we address all of these conundrums to help you figure out how to be friends with your ex—and also, if it’s a good idea to begin with.
Should I Be Friends With My Ex? Ways To Assess If You’re Ready
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A breakup can leave a person struggling with many unresolved issues and then there’s the ever-elusive closure that gets in the way of your ability to move on. At one point you’re angry at your ex for their role in the breakup, and then, you’re longing for them, wishing you could get back together again. You feel blue. You miss them. It’s all part of the process of grieving after a breakup, which ultimately brings you to the stage of acceptance and prepares you to move on.
Amidst all this, when the question, “Should I be friends with my ex?”, comes up, there are no easy or one-size-fits-all answers. It all depends on where you’re in your breakup recovery process, what you hope to achieve from being friends with an ex, and whether you’re emotionally ready for this friendship.
As this Reddit user says on being friends with an ex, “It is definitely possible but the success varies greatly on the nature of the breakup, the maturity of the two people involved, the boundaries set and kept to by each individual, and the expectations of the friendship as a whole.”
So before you go down this road, take some time to reflect and assess whether you’re ready to let your ex back into life, even if it is as just a friend. Here are a few questions you need to ask yourself:
Related Reading: Being Friends With An Ex You Still Love – 8 Things That Can Happen
1. Do I have residual feelings?
Going through a breakup is like tasting rotten food. The experience is horrible and, in the end, you’re still left with a bad taste in your mouth. Based on the theory of stages of grief after a breakup, you’re bound to go through the following:
- Denial
- Anger
- Depression
- Bargaining
- Acceptance
While moving on from a breakup, people tend to get stuck in one of these stages, especially anger or bargaining. To be friends with an ex again, you need to know for sure that you’re past any residual feelings for them—be those of angst and pain or love and longing. If you find yourself wondering, “Can being friends with an ex lead back into a relationship?”, you’re not ready for a truly platonic relationship with them. Likewise, if you’re still harboring resentment or anger for your ex, being friends can blow up in your face.
2. How is my sense of self-worth after the breakup?
One of the hardest parts about a breakup is that it lands a massive blow to your self-confidence and sense of self-worth. You feel uncomfortable in your own skin and you aren’t able to fathom how one person’s absence can create such intense emotional turmoil inside you.
These feelings can get even more intense when it’s your ex who decided to break up with you. When that happens you start questioning everything about yourself, and begin to feel like you’re not good enough. On the other hand, if you were the one who broke things off, you may go through phases of guilt and self-doubt. You may find yourself asking self-depracating questions like: What is wrong with me? Did I just throw away the best thing that’s ever happened to me?
Healing after a breakup also entails making these chipped parts of yourself whole again. Until you’ve done that and gotten past the stage where the end of a relationship makes you feel like a failure, you shouldn’t open up the door of friendship with an ex.
Related Reading: 11 Tips To Deal With Loneliness After Breakup And Find Support
3. Where do my ex and I stand on closure?
A key part of moving on from a relationship is closure. So, if you’ve been through a breakup and are thinking about staying friends, then you need to ask yourself this question: Have I had closure? Honestly, closure can come in many ways and it could look anything like these:
- Having an effective conversation where you sort out your unresolved issues and old feelings of negativity
- Setting healthy boundaries and coming to an agreement that neither will cross their limits
- Accepting that this relationship has reached its end
Till you get to the point where thinking about the breakup doesn’t stir up an emotional storm inside you, the answer to, “Should I be friends with my ex?”, remains no.
15 Crucial Boundaries For Being Friends With An Ex
Friendship with your ex can be a tricky territory. However, there are certain situations where you just can’t avoid them. For instance, if they’re your coworker, a family friend, your best friend, or live in the same building. In all of these cases, meeting your ex is inevitable, and quite literally, unavoidable. If after introspecting about whether or not you can be friends with your ex, you decide that it’s the right way forward for you, to keep things cordial and remove the awkwardness from your inevitable run-ins, it’s crucial to set some boundaries.
This becomes even more important if your connection to your ex isn’t circumstantial and they make an effort to reach out to you. Maybe your ex unblocked you and sent you a friendly message. At that point, understanding why an ex wants to be friends is just as important as being clear about your reasons to maintain a platonic connection with them. It could be something as harmless as them not wanting to split your group of friends down the middle or as twisted as using the friendship to keep alive the possibility of getting back together. You need to be prepared for any possibility and the best way to do that is by setting a few boundaries for being friends with an ex, like these:
1. No flirting
Whether you’re setting boundaries with an ex when in a new relationship or when you are single and still healing from the breakup, you need to steer clear of flirting at all costs. Being around each other may make you unconsciously touch their arm or say flirty things to each other. However, this can stir up feelings or create confusion about what you each want from this friendship. That’s why it’s a no-go. Here are some flirtatious behaviors you need to avoid when communicating with a former partner, who is now a friend:
- Avoid texting them at odd hours
- Don’t react to their flirtation
- Don’t send them heart emojis
- Don’t ask questions about their sex life
- Avoid leading them on intentionally
2. Wait until you’ve gotten over the breakup
You need to work through the post-breakup feelings and adjust to life without your former partner before you can even consider being friends with them. Even if you’ve ended the relationship on good terms, you still need time to go mourn the loss and recover from the hit that you’ve just taken.
If you don’t take the space and time to heal, then you’ll never recover properly. Your ex’s presence in your life will be a constant reminder of what you’ve lost and your self-esteem will take a hit every time you see them making progress in their love life.
When asked on Reddit if it’s a good idea to be friends with an ex, a user replied, “I think it takes a lot longer than 6 months to really be friends with a very significant ex, but yes, if you’re, say, two years past the breakup, then absolutely it’s possible to be good friends. At the very least give yourself and them time to date a couple of other significant people before you start a close relationship again.”
Related Reading: The 12 Mantras Of Being Happily Single While You Are Single
3. Keep it casual
Being friends with an ex means starting completely fresh and building a new connection with them from the ground up. In doing so, you need to keep your interactions and the nature of your relations with them light and casual to avoid feelings from taking hold. Some of the examples of boundaries with an ex include:
- No talking about your past relationship
- No discussing former relationship goals
- Avoid indulging in sharing excessive details about someone new you are dating
- Don’t ask for intimate details about their current partner
- Don’t force this friendship to work. Let it flow naturally and have a good time getting to know each other as friends
4. Respect each other’s personal space
The biggest problem that people face when they’re trying to be friends with an ex is that as soon as they get over the initial awkwardness, they tend to forget about the breakup. They return to the level of comfort that they shared in their relationship. This is the moment when you need to have a serious talk about setting boundaries for being friends with an ex.
If you’ve gotten comfortable around each other, then you need to establish the parameters of personal space in your new relationship. For example, while in a relationship you were both eager to know everything about each other’s day, but now as friends, you’re allowed to keep some personal details to yourself. It is the only thing that will help you start fresh with them.
Related Reading: 9 Expert Tips To Cope With Depression After Breakup
5. Let go of all the bad blood
Every relationship has its ups and downs. These memories are sometimes still riddled with all the feelings that accompanied them earlier. That’s why when you’re considering staying friends with an ex, letting go of the past and starting fresh becomes important. This is because you can’t be your ex’s new friend if there is still bad blood between the two of you. Here are some ground rules you need to establish when you are drawing boundaries for being friends with an ex while in a relationship or while still being single:
- Don’t involve your friends in this by trash-talking about each other
- Don’t reminisce the fond memories for too long or in an intimate way
- Don’t play the blame game and revisit the causes of the breakup
- Avoid meeting at places where you shared happy memories together
6. Be on the lookout for feelings
Given your history with your ex, there is always the chance of catching feelings … again. When you start having a good time with them, the past will get triggered, which can lead to old emotions coming back to life and making you fall for them again. However, getting back together with an ex doesn’t always work out, and it will definitely ruin any chances of forging a genuine friendship. That’s why it is essential to be on the lookout for feelings—not just your ex’s but also your own. You need to keep yourself from giving in to the melody of memories.
7. Don’t pay attention to the surrounding judgment
Not everyone is accepting of the concept of being friends with an ex. There may be people around you who are skeptical of this choice. Every step of the way you’ll be asked questions like:
- “So have you moved on and found happiness?”
- “Are you sure about this?”
- “Are you trying to get back together with them?”
- “Are you guys secretly having sex under the pretense of being friends?”
All these questions can make you second-guess your decision to be friends with an ex. However, if you’re sure of your intentions and the friendship works for you and your former partner—and any significant others in the picture (yours or your ex’s)—you shouldn’t let the judgment and badgering get to you. If you’re sure that your feelings are gone and that you have no interest in dating them again, then what other people insinuate doesn’t matter.
8. Don’t get sucked into the social media stalking blackhole
Once you become friends with your ex again, you will let each other back into your respective virtual lives as well. For instance, if you blocked or unfollowed your ex after the breakup, once you decide to be friends, you will let go of these restrictions. It’s only natural that you may want to check out what your ex has been up to during the time when you were not in their life. And that’s okay. But you need to know where to draw the line.
Don’t get sucked into the blackhole of stalking your ex online. Once you let yourself go down this road, curiosity about whether they’ve been actively dating all this time, how many people have they been out with, and whether they’re getting serious with someone new can become all-consuming. It can undo all the progress you have made in moving on from your ex, and not to mention, jeopardize your friendship with them.
Related Reading: Expert Advice On Coping With Feeling Empty After A Breakup
9. Don’t give them relationship advice
You are the last person they need relationship advice from. Their love life has nothing to do with you. They may also feel uncomfortable taking advice from someone they once loved. Even if they are the one reaching out to you for guidance, it’s best to keep your rumination to yourself and not get involved in their current love life. Following these basic boundaries with an ex when in a new relationship or when they’re dating someone new can prevent things from getting toxic for all the parties involved.
10. Don’t talk about your past relationship with their current partner
Now that you’ve decided to stay friends, you will be presented with an opportunity where you get to meet your ex’s new partner. Don’t share with them the things you did with your ex or what they were like when they were with you. It may look like you are trying to make them jealous or insecure even if that is not your intention.
Let them discover their partner on their own and you enjoy your life the way it is. This is the most important thing about boundaries for being friends with your ex who has moved on and fallen in love again. You don’t want to come across as the heartbroken lover who is still trying their best to win over their ex.
Related Reading: How To Move On When You Are Still In Love With Your Ex?
11. Set clear expectations
One of the most essential rules for being friends with an ex is to have a conversation about how you will interact with each other. Sure, it will be a somewhat awkward conversation but will hold you in good stead in the long run. Without it, you run the risk of slipping into old habits of constant contact or emotional dependency. Here are a few bases you need to cover:
- Decide on a healthy level of communication. For instance, occasional check-ins are okay but daily texts are not
- Avoid late-night calls or emotional venting that blurs friendship lines
- Keep conversations neutral—no deep emotional confessions
12. Don’t expect the same level of emotional support
When you’re trying to figure out how to be friends with your ex, being mindful of the fact that you cannot expect that sample level of emotional support from them as you did when you were in a relationship can help you stay in your lane and save you a lot of disappointment later on. Remind yourself, your ex is no longer your go-to person for emotional comfort, and relying on them too much can lead to complications. If you feel like leaning on your ex for emotional support, here is what you can do instead of acting on that desire:
- Turn to a trusted friend or family member for emotional support
- If you’re feeling vulnerable, resist the urge to confide in them like you used to
- Regularly remind yourself that they are not responsible for your emotional well-being anymore
13. Keep physical boundaries firm
Here is a how to be friends with an ex 101: set physical boundaries and stay firm on them, no matter what. Physical touch, even seemingly innocent gestures like a lingering hug or holding hands, can stir up old emotions, making it harder to keep your relationship platonic. That’s why you need to actively enforce physical boundaries with an ex you’re friends with. Here’s how:
- Avoid prolonged hugs, hand-holding, or any physical affection that might feel romantic
- Be mindful of sitting too close, leaning on them, or casual touches that used to be intimate
- If in doubt, ask yourself, “Would I do this with any other friend?”
Related Reading: Platonic Cuddling: Meaning, Positions, And Benefits
14. Don’t make them your backup plan
Treating your ex as an emotional safety net or as a backup plan can prevent you from fully moving on and can give false hope to either party. Do not let questions like, “Can being friends with an ex lead back into a relationship?”, take root in your mind. To ensure that, you must:
- Avoid calling or hanging out only when you’re feeling lonely
- Make sure you are forming new friendships and connections outside of your ex
- If you find yourself comparing new people to your ex, take a step back and reassess if you’re truly ready to be just friends with them
15. Be prepared to walk away If necessary
Not everyone can figure out how to be friends with an ex. If the friendship starts to cause more harm than good or you feel as if your ex’s presence in your life is getting in the way of you moving on, it’s okay to step away for your well-being. Likewise, if seeing your ex with someone new hurts too much, give yourself permission to step away from the friendship. To make sure your friendship with your ex isn’t taking a toll on your emotional well-being, it’s important to:
- Regularly check in with yourself to understand how this friendship is impacting you
- If jealousy, lingering feelings, or emotional pain arise, take a break or cut ties
- Prioritize your mental and emotional health over maintaining a forced friendship
How To Set Friendship Boundaries With An Ex: 5 Easy Ways
Once you’ve identified what boundaries for being friends with an ex look like, it’s crucial to communicate them clearly. Given the baggage of the past, this can be challenging for a lot of people. However, you can navigate it easily with these 5 simple steps:
1. Define your comfort zone clearly
As we’ve been saying, without clear boundaries, emotions can resurface, leading to confusion, jealousy, or misunderstandings. Therefore, before engaging in a friendship with your ex, you must understand what you are comfortable with and communicate it openly. It’s also important to have an honest conversation with your ex about what friendship means to both of you.
Reflect on what aspects of your past relationship you’re okay discussing (e.g., work, hobbies) and what you want to avoid (e.g., dating life). For instance, you could say, “I value our friendship, but I’d prefer if we avoid talking about past romantic experiences or our dating lives. Let’s focus on supporting each other in non-romantic ways.” Set expectations for interactions, such as no late-night texts or personal favors.
2. Have an honest and direct conversation
To avoid assumptions and misunderstandings that can lead to blurred lines between emotional involvement and friendship, you shouldn’t just wing it when it comes to addressing the tricky aspects of being friends with an ex. Instead, tackle them head-on with an honest and direct conversation. Here is how you can approach this conversation:
- Choose the right time and setting: Have the conversation when emotions are settled, and both of you are in a calm state of mind
- Be clear about your needs and limits: Use “I” statements to express what you’re comfortable with. For instance, “I think it’s best if we don’t text late at night.”
- Listen to their perspective: Boundaries should be mutual, so ask what they’re comfortable with as well
- Be friendly but assertive: This way you don’t leave any wiggle room for misunderstandings and false hope
- Agree on terms for the friendship: Discuss how often you’ll communicate, what topics are off-limits, and how you’ll handle future relationships. For instance, you could say, “I want to stay friends, but I think it would be best if we didn’t discuss our personal lives.”
Related Reading: Should I Text My Ex? A Complete Guide To Help You Decide
3. Establish communication rules and stick to them
To prevent old communication patterns from resurfacing and keeping your connection strictly platonic, you need to talk about how and when you will interact with each other. Here are some things you need to discuss, agree upon, and enforce:
- How and when you’ll communicate: Will you text occasionally? Only talk in group settings? Limit check-ins to once a month?
- Set expectations for response time: Avoid the habit of instant replies or texting late into the night, which may signal emotional dependence
- Determine which platforms are appropriate: If interactions of DMs and personal messages feel too personal, consider limiting engagement
- Be firm on these boundaries: Once communication boundaries are set, don’t break them unless both parties agree
4. Create emotional boundaries for yourself
Even with external boundaries in place, it’s essential to be in touch with your own emotional state and manage your feelings and reactions. You need to be aware of what topics or behaviors that make you feel vulnerable or stir up old feelings, and steer clear of them. If you notice feelings of attachment, jealousy, or sadness creeping in, reassess whether the friendship is working for you or making it harder to let go of someone you loved deeply.
Related Reading: What To Do When An Ex Contacts You Years Later
5. Be prepared to reinforce or adjust boundaries over time
There is no set blueprint for how to be friends with an ex and the boundaries you set need to be flexible so that they can evolve or change based on your life changes, emotions, and new relationships. For instance, as life progresses, you may need to increase or decrease the level of contact. Or if maintaining the friendship proves too complicated, it’s okay to take a break or end it. Know that it’s okay to do what feels right for you, without feeling guilty about it.
FAQs
1. Do exes ruin relationships?
No. Not if you set clear boundaries with them and communicate clearly with them that you don’t want them to ruin your new relationship. If they are a good person and have no ill will against you, then they will let you be and won’t create problems in your love life.
2. Is it toxic to be friends with an ex?
Not at all. If the two of you have good intentions, then there’s nothing wrong with being friends. It’s not toxic when you are friends with them because you like their company and not because you want them back.
3. When exes shouldn’t be friends?
Exes shouldn’t be friends when they still have feelings for each other. They shouldn’t be friends if they have bad blood. You also can’t be friends with an ex when you are secretly wishing for them to take you back as a lover.
Key Pointers
- Your mental health and emotional well-being should be your priority. Don’t agree to be friends with your ex if you feel you aren’t ready for it
- To cultivate a healthy friendship with a former partner, you need firm boundaries so that there is no room for old feelings to resurface
- These can range from not flirting to keeping interactions casual to not encouraging actions that can border on intimacy be it late-night texts and calls or being each other’s emotional support systems
- Be on the lookout for feelings and don’t let outside judgment come in the way of your friendship
- It’s also equally important to discuss these boundaries with your ex and make sure you’re both on the same page about what this friendship means to you
Final Thoughts
That sums the most important rules for being friends with an ex. Some of the boundaries for being friends with an ex that you set are more for your own mind, the rest are for both of you. For the ones that need to be followed by both, you need to talk them out and agree on some common ground.
If you’re someone who’s beginning their friendship with an ex, then you’re about to unfold a new chapter that’d be quite unlike any relationship you’ve had before. Being friends with your ex is going to completely change the way you see them. You’re going to see a side of them that you would have never gotten to see if you were dating them. Things might be a bit awkward in the beginning but eventually, the kinks will get ironed out.
Go with the flow and see where it goes. In the end, hopefully, you’ll be left with a friend who knows you even better than you know yourself. All the best!
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