Take it from a woman. It’s never easy to tell someone that you’re not attracted to them. It can be more than awkward, especially when you’re friends with them. So when it comes to matters of the heart, it doesn’t hurt to know the signs a woman is not attracted to you. After all, there’s little fun in unrequited love. No one owes you their feelings, though. Even if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, feelings can come and go at their pace.
It can feel miserable or even heartbreaking but you must accept when someone does not feel the same way as you do. It’s not your (or her) fault or a reflection of you as a person. So, if you’re crushing on a woman and don’t know how she feels, then you must learn how to tell if she’s not into you. Then you can try to fix the situation before it gets awkward for you both.
15 Signs A Woman Is Not Attracted To You
Let’s first talk about what happens when a woman stops being attracted to her partner after being in a relationship for a while. Studies indicate that 33% of women in relationships lose interest in sex because of “relationship problems, relationship quality and partner’s sexual functioning, poor physical health, and negative mood states/depression”. These are the possible things that happen when a woman loses interest in her husband or partner.
Women may not be forthcoming when they are not attracted to someone. Sometimes they may not even realize that their attraction in a relationship has dwindled. Or she just considers you a friend and is scared to let your romantic hopes down. Or maybe she just likes to be seen with someone to look desirable.
Fleabag from Fleabag hated turning up to a party without a date and so latched on to whoever she found available, even if she had no emotional connection with him. Just to avoid everyone’s patronizing looks. If you think your woman might be doing the same thing, maybe you should check for these signs a woman is not attracted to you:
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1. She avoids your calls or texts
When you’re not interested in someone, you avoid talking to them unless absolutely necessary. So, take note if you observe the following signs:
- She takes your calls but is crisp and to the point
- There is no casual or light banter
- Your call duration rarely exceeds 5 minutes
- You may also notice her using texts to communicate things instead of calls
- You’ll also see signs she is not interested through texts that are left on read, or replied to in monosyllables
2. You are not her first choice
This is for those who are in a relationship and find their woman not attracted to them anymore. She asks for your opinion or your company only after she has asked other people and didn’t receive a positive response. Getting to know that you’re not your partner’s first choice can be hurtful. However, if she doesn’t appear apologetic about that, then it’s a sign that she takes your relationship for granted. Plus, if she’s manipulating your feelings for her, then she might take ages to confirm any plans with you as if ensuring that she doesn’t miss out on something more exciting. Researchers have termed this as ‘partner insurance’, where women often cultivate a backup mate when they can’t find their ideal relationship.
3. She doesn’t put in much effort toward making you happy
Notice what and who she prioritizes over you. Also, she doesn’t treat you any differently from her other friends. She doesn’t seem partial toward you and is kind toward everyone to a degree. Other signs a woman is not attracted to you could be in her approach toward you. For example, she loves baking but has never offered to bake anything for you.
4. She avoids lingering eye contact when she’s not into you
A major sign that your partner is not attracted to you is that there is no eye contact attraction. Psychologists1 recognize prolonged eye contact as a universal indicator of one’s interest. Eye contact helps in creating a bond as the body releases oxytocin during intense eye-gazing. Studies have also shown that eye contact is a powerful regulator of social interaction (unless you’re autistic). Avoiding eye contact could become a means of excluding a person from that interaction.
5. She doesn’t dress up for you
Ben from Never Have I Ever noticed Devi changing from a grubby sweatshirt to a nice dress for Nirdesh, and realized that she had the hots for him, not Ben. If you notice her dressing too casually when you go out as friends, then there are chances she doesn’t like you back. And if you’re in a relationship and she dresses this way on dates, then it’s one of the signs she is not into you anymore.
6. She doesn’t want to be seen with you as a couple
You’ll notice that she doesn’t want to be alone with you a lot if she thinks of you as a friend:
- She’ll be far more comfortable being in a group setting with you
- If someone mistakes you for a couple, she’ll be the first one to correct them
- You’ll also notice her talking about who she likes romantically or checking out other people
If you’re in a relationship or are dating, she declines any offers to go out with you. And if you run into people she knows, she doesn’t introduce you to them as her partner.
7. She doesn’t flirt with you
Research has proved that flirting is not just a mating exercise but also helps imagine a shared future. Refusal to engage in flirting is an indication that she doesn’t envision a future with you. Flirting can be subtle, but if she doesn’t respond even to the most obvious cues, or responds negatively, then she’s not interested in you.
8. She avoids any romantic activities
She shies from subtle touches and tries not to get engaged in anything romantic. She refuses to watch any movies together or go out on dates. If you do go out, she uses the term ‘platonic relationship’ multiple times. If you’re in a relationship, she tries to avoid sex.
If you do end up having sex, she doesn’t seem very involved and tries to hurry the whole thing up, instead of enjoying it. Watch out for her body language, her lack of consent should tell you she’s not into you anymore. That’s where you’ll need to draw the line and not push the matter.
9. If she’s not attracted to you, she contacts you only for a purpose
Try this test. Observe any signs she is not interested through text history:
- She rarely engages in text conversations, unless it’s about her
- She texts you less than you text her
- Most of her texts start with asking for a favor
This test is only for those women who fake an interest in you or are in a fake relationship with you. If she contacts you only when she needs you, it’s a clear sign that she might not be into you. Cindy, an ex of my friend Dana, would ignore her for days citing acting classes. But she would always call Dana whenever she was rejected at the audition. Dana eventually left her after getting tired of being used for emotional support.
10. Biggest sign she is not into you anymore – She doesn’t notice you at all
It takes her days to notice you got a new haircut. Sometimes, she fails to notice that you don’t look well. At times, you feel like you could walk to her with a black eye and she might not take note. Or worse, she notices but doesn’t care. Sherlock Holmes in The Adventure of The Blue Carbuncle deduced from a dusty hat that the wearer has lost his wife’s affection. She had stopped noticing it enough to dust it. When a girl’s apathetic enough to not notice you, it doesn’t take a detective to look for the signs a woman is not attracted to you.
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11. She doesn’t initiate conversations
You would know your partner is not attracted to you anymore if she refuses to initiate communication. Of late it appears that there is nothing in common between you. Your meals are silent. You don’t know what to talk about. Her answers are monosyllabic. There are no questions regarding work or friends. There could be so much going on in her life but she never lets you in.
In the same way, if a woman you’re crushing on is not attracted to you, you’ll never see her approach you with genuine, well-meaning questions about your life.
12. She doesn’t ask for your opinion
If you’re in a relationship, notice how often she asks for your thoughts on something. You may also notice her doing things that are the exact opposite of your opinion, especially if your relationship has worsened. The reverse is also true. You could try asking for her opinion and she’ll answer nonchalantly.
If you’re not in a relationship but have a crush on her, see if your opinions make any difference to her. Does she take them to heart? The value she gives to your words is proportional to the value she gives to you.
13. Signs she doesn’t like you more than a friend – She friendzones you
When Joey coined the term ‘Friendzone’ in Friends, nobody thought it would become such a huge phenomenon. Research suggests that friendzone is a period of much uncertainty for the relationship since there’s no mutual expectation of romance. If she expresses outright that she thinks of you as a friend and doesn’t want to engage romantically, then there’s not much you can do about it. However, a study shows that 66% of romantic relationships evolve from friendships, so it’s possible to get out of the friendzone. So do not be disheartened.
14. She has her eyes set on someone else
You don’t have her heart or even her complete attention. My friend, Josh, went on a date with a woman who came looking like a goddess on their first date and flirted seductively with him. He thought she had it for him.
But she’d never pick up his calls and would cancel any plans they had at other places. She kept calling him to the same bar and continued flirting in front of everyone, but looked distant in private. Josh was confused as hell. One day, just before she arrived, the barkeeper told him that they’d recently broken up. When she came in smiling at Josh but had her eyes on the barkeeper, Josh could finally see the “not interested” signs. He couldn’t get out of there quick enough.
Related Reading: 3 Harsh Facts About Long Distance Relationships You Must Know
15. Her body language doesn’t suggest interest
Psychologists suggest several ways to read the signs a woman is not attracted to you. Notice the following cues:
- Does she often look you in the eyes or avoid them?
- Is the eye contact longer than 3-4 seconds?
- Does she smile and look away (a classical flirting technique)?
- Do her toes point toward you or away?
- Do her shoulders look relaxed or stressed?
These indicators could tell you if she’s lost her interest in you or not.
I remember seeing an old couple every Friday at the restaurant that I frequented. The man would always talk animatedly while her wife looked anywhere but him. She’d always have her hands close to her body and her body would always lean away from her husband. One day, he arrived alone. I went to him and asked where his wife was. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “I love her so much, then why is she not interested in me anymore?” I didn’t know what to say to him. I just wished he’d not ignored her ‘not interested’ signs earlier.
What Should You Do When You See Signs A Girl Doesn’t Like You?
When someone doesn’t reciprocate your affection, it’s almost equal to being rejected. But if you know how to tell she’s not into you, you can still try to make it work. If you play it right, there are ways to get out of the friendzone, or fix your relationship. Here’s what you can do:
1. Try to create the right space
If you’ve seen the signs she doesn’t like you more than a friend, then a great way would be to back off. Unnecessary scrutiny can be overwhelming. Nobody owes you anything for your attraction toward them. Be present as a friend but avoid being taken for granted. Focus on yourself. If you’re in a relationship, give her a loving and safe environment to encourage voluntary communication. There are ways to resolve relationship problems without breaking up.
2. Talk to her
Mathis, a 26-year-old reader from Memphis, shares about his wife, “I noticed that she had become distant and kept thinking, “Why is she not interested in me anymore?” I tried to fix the situation through gifts and dates, but it didn’t work. On the advice of my friends, I decided to initiate a conversation. At first, she was reluctant to accept that our relationship had any problems, but agreed that she was having doubts about our marriage.” They soon decided to see a relationship counselor and are now working to recreate the love in their marriage.
It could feel awkward or difficult but talking may help resolve differences. Tell her what you’ve been observing and how you feel about her. Talk about what the relationship needs. If necessary, seek therapy. At Bonobology, we have an extensive panel of skilled and experienced relationship counselors who will listen to you and provide you with the guidance you need.
3. Move on
Try to make it work. But at some point, you may feel that the situation is beyond redemption. Either the girl you like doesn’t like you back or your partner doesn’t want to continue the relationship anymore. As difficult as it might be, it’s better to move on instead of being there for someone who doesn’t reciprocate your feelings.
- Lack of initiation and reciprocity are major signs a woman is not attracted to you
- She will contact you only if she needs something or when she wants to hang out as a friend
- Female body language signs of attraction such as a relaxed posture, arms in an open position, and eye contact are indicative of romantic/sexual interest
- Try talking and finding out what ails her. If both of you can’t find a solution to it, it’s best to move on
Modern relationships are complicated. Because people are complicated. You may not always get together with the one you like. Personal choice, sexual preferences, previous relationship trauma, a lot may come into play. And you can’t hold it against someone for not being attracted to you or falling out of love with you. You can only react to it as calmly as possible. And unlike the old man at the restaurant, the best way is to deal with it instead of pretending that everything is fine.
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