So you find your unencumbered self tied to one end of marriage? After spending the majority of your life running away from people and attachments, here you are, forever attached to one person. The thought can be daunting.
Don’t fret, we are here to help you go from the cold-hearted, distant person you are accused of being to solid spouse material. If you feel like you’re emotionally unavailable, these tips for a happy marriage will stand you in good stead.
Are You An Emotionally Distant Person?
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Being emotionally unavailable is not a sin, but it is difficult for people who love and care for you. If you are also the kind who likes to be on their own most of the time and end up hurting other people in the process without even realizing it, then your partner can feel neglected and unwanted.
You may come across as insensitive at times, and even hurtful. Your partner may feel left out and alone, and the lack of intimacy can take its toll on your marriage. Just imagine if the situation were reversed, and you were the one stuck with an emotionally distant husband or wife.
Walking a mile in your partner’s shoes can hold the secret to prevent the person you love from getting away. All you emotionally unavailable men and women out there just need the right tips for a happy marriage to keep your relationship afloat and thriving.
The fact that you’re here indicates that you acknowledge the problem and are willing to work on it. That’s a good enough start to help you succeed. You may be emotionally distant as a person but there are still ways and mean in which you can let your spouse know that you love and care for them.
Related Reading: 18 Ways To Show Someone You Care
Emotionally distant, not emotionally absent
You probably don’t wear your heart on your sleeve, but that does not make you heartless. It’s crucial to first rid yourself of the notion that you cannot truly be connected or attached. You can, just not in the always-glued-together kind of way.
There is one end of the spectrum – the couple attached at the hip, literally. And there is the other end – you and your partner.
Let your spouse know that it’s not that you do not care; you are just bad at showing it. Your husband showers you with flirty texts randomly; tell him how much you appreciate them, even if you are unable to respond in the same way. Unable to say ‘I love you’ to your wife every two hours like she does? Surprise her in ways that will show your love instead. Don’t let films and romance novels dictate how love is conveyed.
It may take you longer to fall in love and might be tougher to express it, but you are no less capable of it. Once you know and accept that, your partner will, too.
Walk the distance
Knowing you are emotionally distant is half the battle won. The other half of the battle you need to lose, and happily. Because what we are really after is winning in love, which entails compromise. So follow up the acceptance that you’re an emotionally unavailable woman or man with reaching a middle ground in your relationship.
Does your partner like to share every detail of their day with you while you’d rather read some books? Listen to them, and when it’s your turn, share your favorite poem or music with her. If they accuse you of being inattentive, surprise them with tickets to a play that they had mentioned once in passing.
A woman can get frustrated and feel like giving up when he is emotionally distant. Likewise, a man can find it hard to connect with an emotionally unavailable woman. So, do the little things you can to show your spouse that you do in fact love them. It’s all about effort.
Always remember the everyday challenge your spouse takes up being in love with someone who is not emotionally on the same level as them. Why not make things a little easy for them? And anything you do or say will be even more special, because they’ll know how much effort went into it. This is not to say that a relationship is a constant battle of one-upmanship or power struggle and who did more.
Your spouse will appreciate what you do because they understand how difficult it is for you. Even if you two are not traversing an equal distance, it is important to keep trying. Being emotionally unavailable is a trait; let it not turn into an excuse.
Related Reading: When married to an emotionally distant spouse
The journey within
Humans are axiomatic social animals. Yet, here you are, the exception that proves the rule. Give some thought to what made you so. Was it a difficult childhood? Or a defense mechanism to not be hurt? This is not to say that something is wrong with you that needs fixing.
Once you understand the cause, you can better predict the effects and find ways to deal to with them. If by being emotionally distant you are only trying to save yourself from heartache, then you are really a mushy one within a tough shell.
This means that if there is any chance of being hurt or disappointed, you will immediately retract. That’s your defense, which can be easily misconstrued as indifference or even heartlessness. Most times, an emotionally unavailable man or woman has faced some childhood trauma that has affected their subconscious mind.
If you and your spouse have a frank discussion on what makes you emotionally reticent and how that may affect your behavior, both of you may become adept at handling a crisis situation. Your partner will know that it’s not your lack of love, just your way of dealing with life.
Smaller steps trump longer strides
You have gotten far enough in your journey to actually find someone you are going to be sharing your life with. However, a marriage is a tumultuous journey, even for die-hard romantics. Knowing that your love story will be unconventional means you get to script your own rules along the way.
Work out your hopes and fears, commitments and expectations. Keep in mind though, that the goal isn’t changing one another, rather it’s accepting and loving each other in spite of the hurdles life throws at you.
You want to be able to be more emotionally available, while they want to give you the space you need. And neither of those things can be sudden or extreme. So make small and simple promises. Even if both want to make the other happy, going too much out of the way or too fast, can do the relationship more harm than good.
This also means that you are not expecting drastic steps from the other. Appreciate the differences in your personalities. It’s a long road together; savor it in breezy little steps instead of breathless leaps and bounds. And for the times the going gets tough, keep in mind these tips for a happy marriage as an emotionally distant person, and remember that even distance can make the heart grow fonder.
Give them time. Once they comfortable with you, they will automatically open up to you.
Get him to talk about what’s bothering him, and show him in little ways that you care and are there for him. An emotionally distant man requires reassurance.
It means they are not able to properly channel their feelings and emotions and convey them through words and actions. They have a tough time with physical affection and talking about their feelings.