Getting mixed signals in a relationship might leave you racking your brain for days on end, trying to figure out what you should do. But when you’re the one who’s unsure in a relationship, finding the answers through introspection can be an almost impossible task.
One day you feel all the love in the world toward this person, the next you can’t be bothered to reply to a text. When you finally start seeing the good qualities and convince yourself that maybe you really are in love, someone else comes rolling into your life, leaving you to ask, “What if?”
Keeping someone on the hook while you’re feeling unsure in a relationship isn’t a good experience for anyone. We’ve listed out what you can do when you’re unsure of feelings for someone, so nobody gets left on “seen”.
Ask Yourself These 19 Questions If You Are Unsure In A Relationship
If you see your partner eating pizza crust first, anyone would instantly feel unsure in a relationship. If the pizza has pineapple on it, there’s no room left for doubt anymore — start packing!
Jokes aside, feeling unsure in a long-term relationship can affect both of you negatively. While it’s normal to feel unsure at the beginning of a relationship, having persistent doubts after you’ve been dating for a while will end up giving you sleepless nights.
Perhaps you don’t have as much fun with your partner as other’s in relationships do, or you feel like you can’t really be yourself in front of this person. When you’re unsure about a relationship, chances are, you’ll see yourself emotionally back out before you even realize what’s going on. Would you rather spend a night out with your friends or with your partner?
You may even feel bad for having these thoughts, but when you are unsure in a relationship, the best thing you can do is immediately find an answer to your problem by looking inward. The following 19 questions should do just the trick. And if it’s your girlfriend/boyfriend who’s unsure of the relationship, you can send them this article to help speed up their decision-making. So, pull out your notepad and a pen, and get ready to answer some hard-hitting questions:
1. “Am I happy?”
Starting off with the big one, ask yourself if you’re happy. Not with where you are in your career (nobody’s happy with that) but with your relationship. Ask yourself questions like, “Does the relationship make me happy?” “Do I feel happy when I see my partner?”, “Do I experience pure joy?” Okay, maybe not that last one, unless you want an existential episode in the middle of the day.
It’s also important to note that happiness is subjective. What works for you in your relationship may not work for someone else, so it’s best to not look at what others around you are doing. Perhaps the most important question you can ask yourself when you are unsure of a relationship is how it makes you feel. At the very least, it’ll get the ball rolling for the questions that follow.
2. “Am I tolerating something about my partner?”
There are differences in every relationship, you two will never see eye-to-eye on everything. While some differences can be easily ignored (like loud chewing), others may make you consider the very foundation of your relationship (like a disrespectful attitude).
You could have political differences, different opinions about an important topic, or problematic habits. If you’re unsure of your feelings for someone but still find your infatuation getting the better of you, acknowledging the red flags in this relationship will help. If there’s something you’re turning a blind eye to, you need to stop doing that and have a staring contest with it instead.
3. “Is my partner good for me?”
The best relationships are the ones in which both partners push each other to become the best versions of themselves. When you are unsure of a relationship, think about if your partner has had a positive impact on your life and continues to do so. And no, your partner footing the bill every time you two go out is not a positive influence.
On the flipside, if your girlfriend or boyfriend is unsure of the relationship, you’re not really going to see them too involved in the process of you becoming a better person. By assessing how well you two fit with each other, you’ll also be able to assess how happy you are with each other.
4. “What would my life look like without this person?”
If you are feeling unsure in a long-term relationship, perhaps it’s time to think about what your life would look like without your partner. Do you see your life changing for the better or for worse?
When you seem unable to shake these thoughts from your mind, perhaps it’s a sign you need to take a break in your relationship. Taking a break will help you figure out with more clarity if your life is better off with or without this person. Once the withdrawal symptoms fade away, you can start assessing your relationship with a clear mind.
5. “Are my basic needs being fulfilled?”
Everyone has some expectations from a relationship, some of which just cannot be compromised. For most people, feeling heard is an absolute need that must be fulfilled.
For example, if you’re big on physical affection and you feel your needs have been neglected for far too long, you may suddenly feel unsure about your relationship. However, it’s not something a constructive conversation about the same can’t solve.
Ask yourself if what you need from a relationship is being fulfilled. However, if your needs include ridiculous demands like your partner being joint at the hip with you, and both of you doing everything ‘together-together’, you need to work on your understanding of how relationships work.
6. “Why am I unsure in this relationship?”
While you’ve sat down trying to introspect on what you want, try and think about why you’re feeling these things in the first place. Perhaps it doesn’t even have to do with your partner and you’re just going through a rough time in your life.
Maybe you’re a commitment-phobe, maybe you’re just confused about where you are in life or perhaps you’ve realized relationships aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Check to see if something else in your life may have you confused about your relationship and what you can do about it.
7. “Is my partner getting what they want?”
It’s just as easily possible that your partner is not satisfied in the relationship. If you’re feeling unsure in a relationship, asking your partner if their needs are being met will give you a good idea of just how good/bad you two are as a couple.
The only acceptable circumstance where nobody’s needs are being met is when you’re stranded on a deserted island. Not when you’re in a relationship. If you’re trying to figure out if your girlfriend or boyfriend is unsure of your relationship, the best way to do so is by asking them. If their answer isn’t what you wanted it to be, at least you now have more clarity about how things are in your dynamic.
Related Reading: 21 Serious Relationship Questions To Know Where You Stand
8. “How frequently do I feel unsure about my relationship?
Everyone, and we mean everyone, has doubts about their relationship from time to time. After a nasty fight that ends up with you two blocking each other, there’s nothing else on your mind except how you wish you weren’t dating. Eventually, however, that feeling fades away.
If you’re unsure of feelings for someone when you only fight once in a blue moon, find comfort in the fact that so does everyone else. If you’re having these thoughts literally every day, that’s cause for alarm, we’d say.
9. “Is there something I love about my partner?”
Just how there might be something you’re tolerating, there could be a lot of things you love about your partner. However, first, you need to ask yourself, “Am I infatuated or in love?” Infatuation will make you believe you truly love a lot of things about your partner and simply turn a blind eye to the things you don’t.
Ask yourself if you truly love some things about your partner and if they outweigh the things you seem to “tolerate”. In other words, something like making a pros and cons list. Those always work!
10. “Is there a future here?”
If you’re unsure about starting a relationship, or even when you’re feeling unsure in a long-term relationship, thinking about whether your future goals align will often give you the answer. Perhaps you want a nice suburban life, with a furry dog running about in your backyard. But if your partner can’t see themselves staying in one place for more than 17.5 days, you may need to reconsider the relationship.
Granted, the example was a little extreme. But when your future goals don’t really align, is it really worth it to stick around to find out how you two will end up?
11. “Is my mental health suffering because of this relationship?”
Thankfully, in recent years, mental health issues have gone from being a taboo subject to something that’s more openly discussed. People now realize that mental health is just as important as physical health. While it’s natural to feel unsure at the beginning of a relationship, if you continue feeling this way a few months into it because your mental health is at risk, there may be cause for concern.
If you feel your mental health has been negatively affected by your partner or the relationship, it’s time to rethink continuing down this path. You must not compromise your well-being to continue staying in a toxic relationship.
12. “How maturely do we solve our fights?”
“I started to feel that my girlfriend felt unsure about our relationship when our fights would go on for days on end. It seemed as though we never found solutions to them, and with every conversation they kept getting worse. It was like all we did was find reasons to fight and never settle any of them,” Jared tells us.
If conflict resolution in your relationship equates to you blocking each other on social media for a couple of days, it could use some work. Solving arguments maturely in a relationship is extremely important to maintain mutual respect and harmony.
13. “Would I be happier with someone else?”
If you catch yourself thinking this, your partner might be lacking something you want in a relationship. And in your dissatisfaction, you may be convinced that someone else will give you what you need. If you’re having considerable doubts about whether you’ll be happier with someone else, try taking a break in your relationship to think things over.
Constantly being unsure of your feelings for someone is only going to complicate things over time, so it’s better to take a step back an introspect. Trust us, you wouldn’t want it to get any messier than it already is.
PS: Please don’t end up cheating on your partner. When you are unsure of a relationship you’re in, tell your partner before you hurt their feelings by cheating on them.
14. “Am I my true self around my partner?”
Can you say anything you want to around your partner, or do you hold back in fear of sparking up an argument? Think about how well you can show your partner just who you are. If you refrain from being your goofy self with your partner, perhaps the desirable comfort level hasn’t been achieved yet.
For a relationship to thrive, you have to be yourself to make sure your partner likes your true self, not who you act like in front of them. Without emotional intimacy, it’s clear to see how you’d feel like you’re unsure about a relationship. Who wants to always be at their best in front of a partner? The sooner you get the PJs and the “lazy Sunday hairdo” out, the better.
15. “Are we compatible?”
Signs of compatibility in a relationship will appear naturally if you two are compatible with each other. Without being good for each other, we doubt a relationship can truly thrive. Here’s a small example: Jonah and Janet have the same sense of humor, and tend to build on the jokes each other cracks. That results in a hilarious few minutes when they can’t stop laughing about the few silly jokes they’re cracking. To someone looking from the outside, it’d be clear to see just how well these two get along. In a situation where one partner is not sure about the relationship, that wouldn’t happen.
If you’ve never thought about compatibility, ask yourself if you and your partner really do get along well, or if you’ve just been telling yourself that because your friend once did.
Related Reading: 11 Signs You Are In A ‘Complicated Relationship’
16. “Am I willing to sacrifice for my partner?”
In any relationship, you’ll have to sacrifice the occasional Sunday you thought you could spend ‘Netflix and chilling’. Sacrifices will come in many forms but the question then arises how much you’d be willing to give.
“I figured out my boyfriend was unsure of this relationship because I saw him go from sacrificing a trip with his friends because I needed him, to him not having the time to text me back. It became pretty clear what he thought about the strength of our relationship when he continually gave more importance to his video games than me. Eventually, after one too many cancelled dates, we decided to walk away from the relationship,” Shanelle, a 19 year-old architecture student, shared with us.
It’s tough to graciously give up your personal time to help your partner in need, but if you’re absolutely unwilling to do that, you may have your answer to the question that’s been bugging you.
17. “Am I trying to ‘fix’ my partner?”
Often in relationships, we think we’ll be able to change something about the other person, to make them more compatible with us. While you may see this as “fixing” your partner, they may see it as a gross violation of respect.
Perhaps you have an issue with their career goals, or you don’t like the way they never workout in the same manner as you. When these urges to change the way your partner is are met with resistance, you may feel suddenly unsure about your relationship.
Think about if you’re waiting for your partner to change in any way, so they might become ‘better’ for you. Chances are that the only thing that’s going to change is your relationship status!
18. “Do our expectations from each other match?”
Another question that essentially tests the strength of your relationship, determining how well you two get along. Managing expectations in a relationship can be difficult. Especially if one of you is unsure about the whole thing in general.
For example, if your girlfriend is unsure about the relationship, she has probably emotionally clocked out of it long before she even lets you know she’s upset. Her expectations from you, as a result, may be minimal. And when she doesn’t expect much from you, you won’t see her trying to put in any sort of effort herself. When a partner is not sure about the relationship, there’s bound to be a mismatch of expectations.
Do you expect your partner to call you three times every day? Does your partner expect you to sacrifice your free time for them? Figure out if there’s an huge difference in what you expect from each other.
19. “Is there a reciprocation of effort?”
If both of you work together toward fixing problems in your relationship, it may just prove that there might be something to hold on to. But if you see a mismatch of effort being put into the relationship, feeling unsure in a relationship is warranted.
By figuring out how much effort you two put into the relationship, you’ll be able to tell if there really is a future here or not. All it takes is for one person to take the relationship for granted before it starts rotting from inside.
When you are unsure in a relationship, the best thing you can do is make your mind up quickly about what you want. Floating about with a confused state of mind will leave you “going with the flow”, something dead fish often do.
We’re certain if you honestly answer these questions (keyword: honestly), you’ll be able to come to a conclusion about your future with your partner.