Can there be benefits of extramarital affairs? Can there be positive effects of an extramarital affair on your marriage? Just talking about the advantages of extramarital affairs seems like such an absurd thing to do, when all you ever hear about are the disadvantages of extramarital affairs.
Extramarital affairs can come with pain, torment, and guilt. There is no denying that. Sexual exclusivity in a marriage is a given. Partners vow to be intimate with only each other and do so with the utmost sincerity. However, since we don’t live in a perfect world, extramarital affairs are extremely common.
Nobody expects or wants their marriage to suffer from infidelity, but as it chugs along and the routine and everyday struggles start casting their shadow over romance and sex, couples begin to lose interest in each other. When affairs are so clearly the enemy, why are we discussing whether there can be advantages of an extramarital affair? Put simply, it’s because the answer is yes.
12 Ways An Extramarital Affair Can Help Your Marriage
In some cases, adulterous acts can be deceivingly easy to commit. A friend looks at you differently, pays an extra compliment, and the heart somersaults. No one begins by thinking that this harmless attention or innocent friendship will lead to a full-fledged extramarital affair, but often it does.
What if an extramarital affair was the bump in your marriage that was needed? What if the affair prompted you to take a closer look at your relationship, figure out the larger issues that perhaps led to the affair, and fix those?
What if a successful extramarital affair helped the two of you make each other a priority in your lives again? Romantic desire loves to bite the forbidden fruit, but this can bring back the romance in a marriage. It sounds strange on paper, but it’s not unheard of.
It’s important to point out here that this non-judgmental take on successful extramarital affairs and their benefits does NOT equate to endorsement. In no way are we claiming that lying to your partner and betraying their trust will fix all the problems in your marriage. The aim here is to let you know of the potential benefits of an affair.
With that being said, why an extramarital affair could be right is always a tricky question to answer. On the surface, it’s very clearly the worst thing that can happen to your marriage. But when you look deeper, the less talked about benefits may just point out a school of thought you didn’t even know existed in the first place.
While experiencing an affair, there are new revelations, many of which could be directly linked to your marriage. As crazy as it sounds, there can be benefits of extramarital affairs, that’s why couples are more open to affairs now. Here are 12 ways in which an affair might help your marriage:
Related Reading: Why we should stop judging people for extramarital affairs
1. It boosts your confidence
The longer your marriage is, the higher the frequency of your “dry days”. Your sexual inactivity lowers your morale; you feel that your partner does not desire you. You stop putting in an effort to look good, and life becomes even duller. An affair can bring back the motivation to work on yourself again. The gym is now your go-to stress buster, grooming is a newfound hobby and self-improvement doesn’t seem exhausting anymore.
Your affair partner compliments you and you feel those butterflies in your stomach again. Songs make more sense; you find yourself cheerfully humming along. Being desired and wanted is a huge confidence booster. The sudden influx of attention and thrill might just make you ask yourself things like “Will my extramarital affair work?”.
You become more energetic, and you love this new you. Your spouse sees this new vibe in you and feels a stir. S/he too steps up the game, hits the gym, and before both of you know it, you are making crazy, passionate love with your spouse.
2. You will be able to revive your marriage
New experiences give you new perspectives and ideas. You bring everything you do with your affair partner into your home. You take the time to reconnect with your spouse, go on long drives, listen to romantic songs together, give each other that forgotten compliment.
All the hardness that has crept up in the marriage can slowly chip away as softer feelings and affection make their way in. If you can accept the ground rules of an affair, which is the inevitability that it will end, then you can treat your partner’s affair as a fling and not feel tormented by it. Instead, you focus on the positives.
Again, just getting into an affair won’t magically fix your marriage. There obviously has to be a willingness to fix it and expecting your affair to somehow work its magic is going to land you in a world of trouble. When you’re thinking about why extramarital affairs could be right, you’ll only yield a positive answer if there’s a willingness to work on the marriage.
3. It can help you identify the problems in your marriage
Many marriages suffer from a lack of intimacy. The rat race and the regular humdrum of life can sometimes make partners take their bond for granted. Some go days without as much as a hug or a soft touch. Sex is scheduled and works on a timetable if there’s any of it happening in the first place. There is no space for spontaneity. An extramarital affair fills that gap.
When couples reflect on the what, why, and where of the affair, deep-seated issues such as apathy toward the relationship can be revealed. An extramarital affair can help couples identify the void and resentment in their marriage. This is something that many report as an advantage of having an extramarital affair.
Especially when yours doesn’t end up being a successful extramarital affair, the discovery of the affair will most definitely lead to a very hard-hitting conversation about your marriage. Once that happens and you get to the bottom of the issues, you’re giving yourself knowledge of exactly what you need to work on.
Related Reading: The Affair Helps Me Survive My Sexless marriage
4. You realize that no one is perfect
All the annoyances and the bitterness you feel with your spouse can start creeping up with the affair partner as well. They might end up lying to you, trying to avoid things, not being sensitive to your needs too. You see them with all their human flaws and frailties, and in that, you begin to appreciate the positives of your spouse.
This is one great way an extramarital affair makes you appreciate your married spouse even more. The shortcomings of your affair partner will begin to slip through the cracks of your infatuated mind once you start seeing them regularly. Only after the initial shot of obsession will you see that this person isn’t as good in bed as you thought and that you two can’t hold a conversation.
As time goes on, your conflicts with your affair partner can make you love your spouse more. Successful extramarital affairs teach you different things, and the ones that end up in disaster bring about their own lessons.
5. There is more breathing space
The affair automatically makes room for breathing space. In this modern marriage of mostly nuclear families, a husband and wife are each other’s go-to person for everything. Emotional, physical, family, and kids, all the issues are discussed and managed by the couple.
There might end up being an overdose of each other’s presence, both mental and emotional. An extramarital affair gives you some respite. Suddenly, there is another person to discuss issues with, which means a little less negativity with your married spouse. The marital conflicts will reduce as a result too.
6. You could bring back the spark in your marriage
One of our readers told us about how she slept with her husband’s best friend but it was kept under wraps and she never allowed it to affect her relationship with her husband. She had a craving, she satisfied it and it helped her realize that her marriage was more important to her than anything else. An extramarital affair gives wind to those long subdued and suppressed inner desires and sexual cravings.
The need to be passionately desired again may end up making you try out a few new things with your spouse or maybe even kick it up a notch with the things you learned during your sexcapades. Yes, extramarital affairs, meaning those adulterous relationships that usually end marriages, might just help you bring the spark back into yours if you play your cards right.
7. Your guilt will direct you toward your partner
There’s a reason why cheating is morally wrong. Going behind your partner’s back is betrayal. After the affair gets boring, you’ll be hit with a severe case of cheaters’ guilt, which in turn will make you realize how nice your spouse is.
You will overlook their small annoying habits, what will take precedence is the overwhelming guilt you’ll have. You’ll compare your partner to you, invariably beating yourself up about how you could betray their trust in such a manner. Figuring out how to handle extramarital relationships, especially the failed ones, is no easy feat.
All these emotions will make you bend over backward and mend ways with your spouse. You’ll go that extra mile to bring a smile to their face. This is one of the major benefits of extramarital affairs.
8. It will make you think about your marriage
People usually tend to ignore the issues of their marriage, turning a blind eye to the glaring red flags. The response to any outburst (by the spouse who may be trying to bring something to attention) is met by stonewalling. An affair opens the window of serious introspection.
You think about your marriage more because of the secrecy and guilt you feel and take steps toward fixing it. Sometimes an affair makes a partner take notice of how they had been ignoring the issues in the marriage. Sometimes, people even opt for relationship counseling to get the marriage back on track. This is one of the main benefits of an extramarital affair.
A relationship counselor can help you two work through any issues you have, so you aren’t left alone to answer questions like “How to handle an extramarital relationship?” and “Will my extramarital affair work?” Dealing with the whirlwind of emotions you may be going through can get overwhelming. If you’re looking for professional help, Bonobology has a multitude of expert counselors who’re equipped to help you through this trying time in your life.
9. You become a happier person
An affair releases feel-good hormones. Flowers are prettier, songs make more sense and you start looking after yourself. You look good, you feel good and you know that someone out there thinks of you, which is obviously a pleasant thought. Without a doubt, the sexual satisfaction, and in some cases, the emotional intimacy you experience can end up making you feel more satisfied in your life.
If yours ends up being one of those successful extramarital affairs, all may seem well with the world. If you can avoid the cheaters’ guilt and make sure your partner never finds out about it, an affair can definitely last a long time, making you feel happier as it goes on. “Why extramarital affairs could be right,” then seems like a futile question.
This somehow also helps you build a successful relationship with your partner, all the courtesies you extend to others around you, you shower on your spouse too. You have fewer fights, and in turn, your marriage is at peace for a while.
10. You will be more conscious of your actions
Doing something that is against the rules of marriage and betraying the promises you had made to your partner pushes you to think about your actions. You start to think about the repercussions, and this will make you want to deal with it before the burden eats you up from inside. You will either seek help to stop or want to communicate with your partner about it.
Going forward, you’ll be a lot more cautious of your actions. You might even end up overthinking everything you do, but the general intent behind your actions will henceforth be something that eventually promises a positive outcome for your marriage. You’ll start thinking about your partner a lot more, you’ll start being empathetic and caring more as well. These are the positive effects of extramarital affairs.
11. You will realize that it is temporary
From all the things you learn from affairs, this one might just end up taking precedence. Let’s face it, successful extramarital affairs rarely exist. Affairs act like a bubble where you retreat to recharge and not think of the myriad of responsibilities you have.
It is almost like going to a doctor when you are unwell. But once you are healed or have had that respite, you want to get back to the essentials. The essentials, in this case, are your family, work, and other obligations. Oftentimes, many affairs fade away just because they have run their course.
Going into it, you probably already knew that it came with an expiry date. Though in some places, the temptations and the lust may just make you ask yourself things like, “Will my extramarital affair work?”
When the infatuations fade and the excitement dulls away, it is at these times that the wayward spouse understands how permanent the marriage is and how temporary the extramarital affair was. You know you have survived an affair and you want to reinstate love and trust.
12. You will realize where your marriage stands
An extramarital affair comes with consequences. Most often people are not ready to face those consequences and shatter their settled family life. They realize that working on the marriage is easier than breaking it apart. The emotional rollercoaster that you go through during this time is what makes you realize what your marriage means to you. You will realize whether your marriage is a dead-end or your end game.
Most people want to get back to their spouses and rebuild trust after an affair and that is one of the biggest benefits of an extramarital affair. When you come face to face with all the problems that exist in your marriage, the steps you must take while going forward then become apparent.
How To Maintain An Extramarital Relationship
You can protect your marriage from your extramarital affair. Successful extramarital relationships are the ones that are never exposed but run their course before a major showdown takes place in your marriage. A time will come when the tediousness of what one feels in the marriage will percolate in the affair too.
The novelty will wear off (given that there are no real major issues in the marriage). You are obliged to do all it takes to minimize risk and exposure so that your marriage partner is not hurt in the process of your extramarital affair. Just in case your spouse does end up finding out about the affair, rebuilding trust is usually a tedious process that might end up knocking the wind out of your sails.
Can extramarital affairs be true love? Lifelong extramarital affairs are rather rare, and even while going into it, you pretty much already know that this connection is not going to last too long. Some people even end up cheating because they truly believe theirs is going to be just a one-time thing.
Related Reading: Everything You Need to know about The 7 Types Of Affairs That Exist
When you already know that this adulterous act you’ve involved yourself in is not going to last too long, do not let it destroy your marriage. To have a successful extramarital affair, you need to immediately set some ground rules, among a few other things. Here are some tips that might help:
- Be clear about the intent: Keep your end clear. Express what you want from the relationship and are prepared to give and check what expectations the affair partner has from you. Stick to what both of you mutually agree on
- Know where you stand: Keep checking where each of you is in the affair. Are you getting attached? Is the affair partner getting so? It is important to try and make sure the affair partner is not single here
- Be kind: Your fling is a real person, do not make false promises or treat them as a means to an end
- Don’t raise your spouse’s suspicion: Ensure that your schedules don’t clash with your family time. It will just make your partner more suspicious
- CLean slate, always: Keep track of your messages. Make sure that you have cleared all your chat histories before your phone falls into the hands of your partner
We get married because we want to spend the rest of our lives with the person we love, with the idea that it’s going to be forever. But when monotony sets in, irritation, discontentment, and frustration creep into the “happily ever after”. We start blaming the person instead of understanding that marriage is tough and that every dynamic requires constant nurturing.
Two people staying together and managing shared responsibilities is no bed of roses. Of course, issues are bound to come up. It is important to understand that your affair is perhaps the result of that boredom and irritation, rather than you and your partner not being right for each other.
Lying to your partner can be difficult. You feel that you love your partner but still feel the need to fulfill your desires elsewhere. An extramarital relationship, if exposed, can destroy a marriage, and if not that, then it definitely takes away the peace and trust that go with it. If kids are involved, it gets even trickier, and you stand to scar more lives than the ones in the relationship. Forgive your partner and move on and look at the positivity of an affair instead of a negative one.
When a marriage get’s boring, it lacks something emotionally or physically, and when there is a need to find excitement outside the marriage, extramarital affairs happen.
An affair can be good for a marriage when spouses are ready to look inwards and see what lacks in the marriage that led to the affair. If they get back together and start working on the marriage an affair can be good for a marriage.
Yes, you can love someone and still cheat. Most affairs take place when spouses are very much in love with their partners.
Usually, an affair ends within a year. The fizz goes off in an affair very quickly and like a marriage, the fights and bickering start. The sex isn’t as exciting anymore that’s when an affair bites the dust.