Sexless Marriage and Affairs: I’m Torn Between Pleasure and Guilt of Cheating

My Questions and Answers | | Expert Author
Updated On: March 22, 2024

I am a 40-year-old woman married for 16 years entangled in the mess of sexless marriage and affairs. I have been cheating on my husband for the past five years (with a married man who is younger than me). Even though I look just 30, my hubby has no interest in me.

He never had. We never had a fulfilling sex life. In the last 2 years, he even developed erectile dysfunction and is not even bothered about getting it treated. I am in a sexless marriage. I am in having an affair to cope with my sexless marriage

The man I love is a super hot person and I do let myself loose with him. We meet almost once a month. He helps me to save my marriage as well as my sanity. My hubby is a great father and family man. He takes very good care of me but when it comes to sex he avoids me.

I feel guilty when I see him care for me but justify my affair to myself when I am mad for sex. I love both my men. Does sexless marriage lead to affairs? Or is it something else? What I can do to curb my natural sexual desire?

Related Reading: The Anatomy Of An Affair

Avani Tiwari says:


The place you find yourself in right now is not uncommon. Sexless marriages are more prevalent than most people would like to admit. As a couple grows together, physical, psychological and physiological changes can start impacting the libido of one or both partners, leading to a consistent decline in the frequency of sexual encounters within the marriage.

In fact, a Newsweek survey revealed that 15 to 20 per cent of all marriages were sexless. The New York Times confirmed reiterated the same statistics in a subsequent article.

How To Survive A Sexless Marriage Without Cheating

Survive A Sexless Marriage Without Cheating
How To Survive A Sexless Marriage Without Cheating

Sexless marriages and affairs are often discussed in the same breath. It is understandable that the lack of sex in a marriage can be an extremely frustrating experience especially when one of the partners still feels the need for it.

That said, the frustration does not necessarily become a justified response to the ‘is it ok to have an affair in a sexless marriage’ question. It would help you to explore ways to survive a sexless marriage without cheating.

Over time a lot of couples find their own ways of surviving sexless marriage without venturing out of it in search of sexual gratification.

Communication is key

You must sit with yourself and sort out your own priorities. Try talking to your husband and find out if there’s any reason he’s not willing to do anything about his perceived lack of interest in sexual activities. You mention that he currently suffers from erectile dysfunction, perhaps trying to understand why he doesn’t want to seek medical help for it.

The endeavour should be to gently make him understand that it’s one of his responsibilities to take care of your physical needs as well. It’s a good start for mending what’s broken in your relationship. Make him understand that you love him and respect his decisions and would be willing to stand by him in whatever treatment he has to undergo.

Communication is key

It is also essential that you and your husband have an honest discussion about what sex in a marriage means to each of you, and try to keep an open mind toward the other’s opinion.

The stories of sex and passion floating around the internet are often responsible for the perception that sexless marriage leads to affairs. At this stage in your marriage, you mustn’t get influenced by these ideas of how a marriage ought to be. Every marriage is different, and only the people in it should be the ones deciding what works and what doesn’t.

Related Reading: 8 Things Cheating Says About A Person

A Solution in Self-Pleasuring

Is it ok to have an affair in a sexless marriage? Most certainly not. No issue in a relationship can be a justified excuse for infidelity. You can always fall back on masturbation to satisfy your sexual urges while you come up with your coping mechanism for surviving a sexless marriage.

An extramarital affair comes with its own set of problems and is never advisable. Remember to weigh the cost-benefit ratio of such a relationship. Finally, it’ll be your decision but it’s likely to affect many lives.



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Readers Comments On “Sexless Marriage and Affairs: I’m Torn Between Pleasure and Guilt of Cheating”

  1. “Is it okay to have an affair in a sexless marriage? most certainly not.” Really? How so? The mistake here is thinking that having an affair is active, while not having sex with your spouse is in-active. Incorrect. Rejection is an action. Rejection over time IS, in fact, a breaking of marital fidelity.

    1. Rejection in a very explicit way when u are aware of the situation and its impact is an active choice,most of the people don’t ignore,they are not aware of the seriousness of the situation which their spouse don’t communicate to them clearly ,they refuse mostly because of their low libido or disinterest which is not a active choice,their partner have the responsibilty to explicitly aware them about the marital seriousness and fix things ,and if not they can part way and found compatible partner for each other ,so yes cheating is robbing out the love life of other and is shit too

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