Trust is considered the backbone of a healthy relationship because it holds fast your belief that the partner you’ve chosen will always have your back, protect you from harm, treat you with kindness and respect, and won’t do anything to hurt you. However, people can act out in ways that shake this foundation, jeopardizing their connection with their partners. Cheating, lying, broken promises, and manipulation are some such actions that erode the sense of safety and leave you grappling with the unsettling dilemma of how to rebuild trust in a relationship.    

Many skeptics will have you believe that once broken, trust cannot be rebuilt. However, in the world of relationships, things are rarely so black and white. Every relationship, every couple is different, and so is their response to challenging circumstances. So many people have been able to bounce back from the rock bottom of trust deficit in a relationship and have gone on to build healthier connections. 

That said, repairing a relationship once trust is broken can be a tall order. It takes a lot of consistent effort from both partners to lay the foundation of trust all over again. Hard as it may be, it’s not impossible. That’s why we are here to help you understand the delicate nuances of rebuilding trust in a relationship with the help of clinical psychologist Devaleena Ghosh (M.Res, Manchester University) and psychotherapist Dr. Aman Bhonsle (Ph.D., PGDTA). 

What Causes Trust Issues In A Relationship 

Before you take a look at how to regain trust in a relationship, it’s important to identify what causes trust issues in a relationship. A few major reasons behind a breach of trust in a relationship are cheating, lying, or hiding things from one another. Infidelity, for instance, makes it extremely difficult for the betrayed partner to trust the other.

As a person comes to grips with their partner’s affair, they can slip into a very dark place emotionally. This makes the entire healing process and infidelity recovery stages chaotic and messy. However, infidelity isn’t the only cause for eroded trust between partners. Some other reasons for lack of trust in a relationship include:

• Acting out of paranoia and suspecting one partner of infidelity
• Lack of emotional and physical intimacy 
• Not sticking to your word or keeping your promises
• Constant criticism that hurt the feelings of a partner
• Withholding affection and love
• Addictions like alcoholism, gambling, or pornography
• A mismatch between actions and words
• Badmouthing a partner behind their back 

Signs Of Trust Issues In A Relationship

The manifestation of broken trust can vary, depending on the people involved, their relationship dynamic, and the trigger for mistrust. However, a few common patterns are evident in relationships that lack trust. Some of the common signs of trust issues include: 

• Assuming the worst
• Inability to forgive 
• Focusing on the negative
• Intimacy issues
• Being overly suspicious and jealous
• Clinginess and needy behaviors 
• A gnawing feeling of being lied to
• Inability to be vulnerable with each other
• Uncertainty about the future of the relationship

Related Reading: 10 Things To Do When You Are Drifting Apart In Your Relationship

Can Trust Be Rebuilt In A Relationship?

Breach of trust in relationships leads you to constantly doubt your partner and their motives, leaving you paranoid about what they might do next to hurt you. In a situation like this, it’s only natural to wonder, can trust be rebuilt in a relationship? 

“It really depends on what the issue is that caused the breach of trust and how willing a partner is to forgive the other,” says Dr. Bhonsle, “If it’s something like infidelity, it may seem hard to walk it off. If a partner gambled some money after promising not to, it may be a bit more salvageable.” A breach of trust in relationships is a very broad term. To figure out if your situation is fixable, you need to ask some difficult questions to rebuild trust in a relationship, such as:

• How damaging is this breach of trust? 
• How frequently does it happen? 
• Is there a series of different issues or a single one?
• Are you both willing to work on it and move past it? 

“At the end of the day, repairing broken trust in relationships largely depends on how forgiving a person is. Someone who experienced a lack of trust in their family dynamics will find it a lot harder to let bygones be bygones. It depends on the partner’s temperament and a willingness to forgive,” adds Dr. Bhonsle.

7 Ways To Rebuild Trust In A Relationship If You Betrayed Your Partner

Before you set out to understand how to regain trust in a relationship, you need to know this can be a long-winding journey and the outcome may not be what you’d hope for. It will be exhausting and you won’t be able to look into each other’s eyes like you once used to. 

Even as you work through the hurt of betrayal, in whatever form it festered in your relationship, you also need to think about how to make changes in the present for a better and more fulfilling new relationship. With that in mind, let’s take a look at these 7 therapist-recommended tips on how to restore trust in a relationship after you’ve done something to break it: 

Related Reading: 7 Ways To Build Loyalty In A Relationship

1. Take responsibility

“In an ideal world, the betrayer would accept his/her mistake and make amends. But it doesn’t quite play out like that. More often than not, when a breach of trust comes to light, the erring partner tries to justify it or make it look like the circumstances were out of their control. Or worse, try to blame-shifting. Instead of pointing fingers outward, it’s important to look inward and call a spade a spade,” says Dr. Bhonsle. 

Though every fiber of your being might want to say something like, “I was drunk, I couldn’t help it”, try not to. The key to how to fix trust issues lies in taking responsibility for your actions. The circumstances of the situation will emerge if your partner tries to get the details of what happened.  

2. Apologize sincerely  

If you’re trying to figure out how to rebuild trust in a relationship after lying and cheating, know that there is no alternative to a sincere apology. Rebuilding trust can be time-consuming. The lion’s share of the work in restoring trust or winning it all over again rests with the person who caused it to shatter in the first place. If the onus lies with you, you need to take the first step toward undoing the damage by offering a sincere apology for the hurt caused. Here are a few things that you must keep in mind while offering an apology:

• Active listening is crucial for validating hurt feelings and taking a step toward repairing broken trust
• Stay committed to changing your ways. You can’t apologize and go back to doing the same things again
• Fix the rough patch by taking full responsibility for your actions without any ifs and buts
• Give time to your relationship. Just because your partner has forgiven you doesn’t mean you start taking them for granted again

Related Reading: 18 Promising Tips To Survive Infidelity In A Relationship — For The Betrayer And The Betrayed

3. Show that you’ve changed

The psychology of trust in relationships is rooted in a feeling of emotional safety and confidence in one another. So, the way to undo the damage that has been caused by trust issues rearing their ugly head is to re-instill that sense of security and confidence. For that, your partner needs to see that you’ve changed for the better, or are at least making an earnest effort to.   

“There are certain terms and conditions that go into all happy relationships. If you want to hold on to your partner, avoid any kind of compounding of disgruntlement. Along with a change in behavior, there must also be a change in the philosophy that fuels that behavior. You’ve got to rewire yourself to do better and be more active,” says Dr. Bhonsle.

4. Communicate better

If there is one magical thing that can fix your relationship even after trust is shattered, it’s communication. Talk to each other. Open your heart and speak. However, this does not mean you get a free pass at hurling abuses, passive-aggressive comments, and mocking each other. You have to be respectful and very careful with your choice of words. And if you can’t communicate without spitting hurtful things, it’s one of the signs your relationship is beyond repair.

When you move forward intending to give your partner and relationship another chance, you need to let them speak instead of always trying to put your points across. Make them feel seen and heard. You will feel the emotional intimacy blossom between you and your partner, all over again. That is an extremely important step in the right direction if you’ve been wondering how to restore trust in a relationship. 

Related Reading: Feeling Neglected In A Relationship? Psychologist Shares Ways To Take Care Of Yourself

5. Create new memories

Broken trust may make you feel like love is dead in your relationship. However, considering that your partner has not only stuck around but is also willing to give the relationship another chance, that may not be the case. Chances are your partner still loves you, just as you love them, and together you want this to work out. One way to make sure that your collective desire to make it work does not get overshadowed by trust issues in your relationship is to make new, happy memories together. Here are some things you can try: 

• Spend quality time together and go on date nights 
• Spice things up in the bedroom
• Find a mutual hobby even if it means getting out of your comfort zone 
• Praise your partner 
• Send good morning and good night text messages
• Give your partner massages 
• Kiss more often and make more eye contact 
• Plan a trip together 

6. Reignite the spark of the initial days 

Remember how you fell in love with them? The feeling of blood rushing to your cheeks, constantly blushing, thinking about them, wanting to be around them, and always being inundated with their admiration. Bringing those feelings back can go a long way in your endeavor to understand how to regain trust in a relationship. Devaleena says, “You need to find out ways to fall in love again. Channelize your energy into bringing that spark back. Understand that whatever issue you are dealing with can be sorted. Learn each other’s love languages and rekindle the love.”

Related Reading: 11 Ways Being Cheated On Changes You

7. Focus on the future

What’s done is done. You hurt them. They are trying to forgive you and you’re trying to figure out how to fix trust issues in a relationship. However, that can’t happen if you let the shadow of the past hang over your present and future. Just the way your partner needs to learn to leave behind whatever wrongdoing on your part dealt this blow to your relationship, you too need to learn to emerge from the cloud of guilt and shame.

A lot of people give their relationship a fresh start but keep fighting about the issues of the past, and more often than not, this drives them apart. If you don’t want that to happen, you need to know that there’s a long road ahead of you. Give your partner the time to forgive you and make peace with whatever transpired. Meanwhile, you focus on your relationship and show your partner you’re willing to move heaven and earth to rebuild the trust and win them back. 

7 Ways To Rebuild Trust In A Relationship If Your Partner Betrayed You

It can be soul-shattering to find out that the person you trusted the most in this world has taken a knife to your back. If figuring out how to rebuild trust in a relationship after lying and cheating is hard, taking a leap of faith to trust a partner who betrayed you is twice as challenging. 

However, if you want to get past it and rebuild your relationship, you’ve got to try with everything you’ve got. Devaleena says, “If the partner whose trust has been broken doesn’t cope up with it in a healthy way, they will wound themselves and their partner in some way or the other, sooner or later. The circle of distrust, hurt and pain will continue if not addressed cautiously.” To help you take the first step in this journey, let’s take a look at how to rebuild trust in a relationship as the betrayed partner:

1. Analyze the situation you are in 

Devaleena says, “When a couple is feeling disconnected and signs of trust issues are plaguing your relationship, the blame for it cannot rest with one partner squarely. Yes, even if one partner’s actions may have triggered the erosion of trust, the other ought to have played some part in it, no matter how minuscule. “Lack of self-reflection, coupled with a judgment impaired by the hurt and anguish of being lied to or cheated on, can make either one or both partners live in denial and lose touch with reality. That’s why introspection is essential to build trust again.”

A SWOT analysis won’t fix the trust issues in your relationship, but it will help you assess whether it’s worth your while to forgive your partner and focus your energies on how to restore trust in a relationship. Dr. Bhonsle advises, “Before someone goes down a path of forgiveness, it’s important to carry out a risk assessment. How likely is it that your trust is going to be broken again, given the track record of the person you’re in a relationship with? How genuine is their remorse? Do you believe you can get the trust back in a relationship after lying and cheating?”

Related Reading: 11 Feelings One Goes Through After Being Cheated On

2. Decide what you want 

Now that you have analyzed the situation as impartially as possible, you need to ask yourself some hard questions to rebuild trust in a relationship, 

• Can trust be rebuilt in a relationship?
• Is your relationship worth the effort it will take to rebuild the lost trust? 
• Or would you rather move on and focus on healing from this setback?
• How much disrespect is too much disrespect? 
• Are you leaving yourself open to being hurt again? 
• If that happens, will you be able to handle it?

“These are all very personal questions that you must answer to be able to make an informed decision about the future of the relationship. Once you do, you’ve got to commit to the way forward you have chosen. If that path entails staying together and working on the relationship, then you have to do the necessary work to foster love and mutual respect, along with trust. Without it, the relationship just won’t have the depth needed to survive such a setback,” says Dr. Bhonsle. 

3. Know that you can be vulnerable again

When you refuse to be vulnerable in a relationship, you fortify the walls that inevitably come up when there is a breach of trust in a relationship. That makes figuring out how to fix trust issues in a relationship that much harder. Only when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, will your partner understand you better. Only by learning to be vulnerable again will you learn how to trust someone again after they hurt you. 

If you want to give your partner another chance, then bring back that lost sense of safety by talking about your fears and insecurities. Reaching this stage can take time, but it’s worth the effort you put in to be able to lean on each other again.

4. Communicate with your partner 

You cannot ascertain how to fix trust issues in a relationship and move forward without honest and open communication. “Talk with the person who was the so-called ‘offender’ and try to understand what was going through their mind. What caused their judgment to be impaired? Get to know all the details, even if it hurts to talk about it. You need to try and gauge their perspectives, to understand what may or may not have caused it. Which in turn feeds into your understanding of whether it’s likely to happen again or not,” says Dr. Bhonsle.

5. Keep your demands on the table

Your healing is incomplete unless you can clearly tell your partner what you want from them and this relationship going forward. Apart from communicating and asking the right questions to rebuild trust in a relationship, you also need to set expectations realistically and state them clearly. 

• Do you not want your partner to meet a certain person? 
• Do you want to go to couples counseling? 
• If they’ve cheated, do you want them to tell you everything about the affair? 
• If they’ve lied, do you want them to come clean about every other time they have lied to you or kept things from you?

Well, speak up and let your partner know. Devaleena advises, “Sit with yourself and decide what it is that you need to get past this setback in your relationship, and then lay those terms on the table for your partner.” The burden of unmet expectations and dashed hopes can prove fatal for a relationship riddled with trust issues. That’s why it’s imperative to speak your mind rather than expecting your partner to read your mind and give you what you want.

6. Put an end to the blame game

As long as you keep blaming your partner for the things that went wrong, you won’t be able to let go of the hurt. The more you indulge in blame-shifting in a relationship, the more you will resent your partner. Your own actions and words will get in the way of rebuilding trust. You won’t be able to forgive and forget. You won’t know how to trust your partner if you keep picking at old wounds. Make a conscious decision that you will try to practice forgiveness.

Devaleena says, “When there is discord, people tend to blame the other person. It is the easier alternative as compared to owning up to a problem because that triggers feelings of guilt, which many find hard to cope with. This is especially true for people with fragile egos. The healing process can begin only when both partners commit to letting go of bitter feelings.”

7. Treat this as a new relationship 

Resentment is like a slow poison that inevitably proves fatal for a relationship. If you intend to rebuild trust, then you need to cleanse yourself of all the negative feelings. Treat it as a new relationship and let the past bury its dead. Figure out how to let go of the past and try to be happy in the present. The loss of trust or the journey to rebuilding it from scratch ought to have changed your relationship in many ways. Accept and embrace that fact.

Don’t keep holding on to the idea of going back to the way things were because clearly there was something amiss in that equation. To get a fresh start, couples must truly convince themselves that they are in a new and better place.

Related Reading: 9 Activities To Rebuild Trust In A Relationship – As Recommended By A Couples Counselor

How To Rebuild Trust In A Relationship As A Couple 

As we’ve seen, the psychology of trust in relationships is rooted in a sense of security that both partners experience with each other. To be able to rebuild trust, you need to work toward being each other’s safe space once again. In addition to the efforts you make as individuals, you also need to work together as a team to make that happen. Here is what you can do, collectively as a couple, to rebuild trust in the relationship: 

1. Seek couples therapy 

Seeking professional help can go a long way in rebuilding the foundation of trust in a relationship. Explaining why that is, Dr. Bhonsle says, “When couples get their families or friends involved in resolving their issues, it turns into a debacle of ‘he said, she said’. It’s like playing football without any goalposts. Run around and tire yourself out all you want; there’s no point in what you’re doing. 

“Just like the goals give purpose to the game of soccer, they also give purpose to the process of conflict resolution and relationship reconciliation. A professional marriage or relationship counselor can help you ascertain the goals that your process will lead to,” says Dr. Bhonsle.

If you’re currently in a situation where you’re tackling how to fix a relationship after trust is broken by yourselves, consider seeking the help of a counselor. Bonobology has a multitude of experienced therapists who would be willing to help you through this trying time. 

2. Be patient with each other 

“To make the relationship work, the couple needs to exercise a superhuman amount of patience with each other. When the relationship is riddled with trust issues, you’re not going to see eye to eye on most things. There will be differences in opinions, ideas, dreams, and goals, but it’s important to communicate with each other. Don’t let it fester,” says Dr. Bhonsle. Nurturing trust again is not an easy task. It is similar to starting a new relationship, in which you’ll have to get to know each other and rework your boundaries.

3. Commit to working on the relationship 

Whether you’re wondering how to regain trust in a relationship or how to trust your partner again, the key to seeing results is not giving up on each other. Dr. Bhonsle says, “You’ve got to demonstrate the change rather than just talk about what you’re willing to do. Prove your intentions every single day. When you want to walk together as opposed to walking away from the relationship, lay down your arms and figure out what you need to do. Things like ‘teamwork makes the dream work’ may seem like cliches, which they are, but they’re also true. Without a shared goal, what are you doing together with each other?” 

Related Reading: Step-by-Step Guide To Rebuilding Love After Emotional Damage

Final Thoughts 

Building trust in relationships is as much about you as it is about them. Of course, individual experiences shape our larger worldview but it is essential not to be bitter about relationships. Give people a chance and you never know what surprise you will be in for!

Regardless of whether you messed up or if you were the one who got hurt, hopefully, you now have a better idea of how to fix a relationship after trust is broken. Though we spoke of what must be done in the long haul and the short run, it all begins with a commitment to change. So strap on your work boots and get to work.

There are no shortcuts or easy answers to how to restore broken trust. Couples who struggle with distrust have to be willing to hurt, heal, and do the work to be able to stay together and emerge stronger from this tumultuous phase of their relationship. With the help of couples therapy, patience, and perseverance, you can prevail.

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