When is love consensual?
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When love is accepted and reciprocated without duress, it is consensual. Otherwise, even innocent romantic advances can become unwelcome and uncomfortable. The nuances of consensual love are not as black and white as most people assume. It is the lack of understanding of these gray areas that often causes people to disregard another person’s consent without even realizing it.
While people understand sexual harassment to be behavior that is unwelcome and inappropriate, what is not widely understood is that the impact of such behavior is situationally different. For example, when an acquaintance or someone you barely know makes romantic advances, it is not very difficult for a disinterested party to reject them. If these advances are made by a close friend who you have known for years, it is harder to reject them because you don’t want to hurt their feelings.
Similarly, if the advances come from a colleague with whom you work closely, there is a fear of things becoming awkward at work, and hence, a lot of thought goes into how best to say no. Now, imagine a scenario in which your boss or reporting manager makes this advance. In addition to awkwardness, there is an added fear – of retaliation at work.
In such situations, you start thinking about whether or not to reject them outright. If you do, then how to do so without it impacting your career?
No matter how gently such an advance is rejected, there is always the possibility that subtle forms of retaliation could follow. The question then arises, is a consensual relationship with an employee who is a subordinate really consensual? That’s why decoding the dynamics of consensual relationships in the workplace is crucial.
Consensual Relationships in the Workplace – Is Silence Toward Advances Really Consent?
A few years ago, I was part of an inquiry in which a senior leader fell in love with his immediate reportee. Both were married (with children), and the advances were made very subtly in the initial stages. The woman had previously been a member of the organization’s internal committee and understood what was happening but chose to ignore it until the advances became obvious. At that point, she gently told him that she was happily married and hence, not interested.
The advances did not stop but changed from an expectation of a relationship to just expressed feelings. These expressions were still uncomfortable for her, but she did not want to complain, thinking that it would impact his and her own career. One day, while traveling, the boss sent her a message:
“I cannot bear to stay away from you for long because I’m so in love with you.”
Unfortunately, her teenage daughter read this message and showed it to her father, who insisted that a complaint under the POSH Act be filed.
She raised this issue with the Internal Committee Against Sexual Harassment and informed us that she did not want any action taken against him, as she believed that this lapse in judgment should not negatively impact his illustrious career. She just wanted this behavior to stop. When the boss was notified of the complaint, he became immediately defensive, saying, “How dare you call this sexual harassment! My love for her is innocent!”
I did not understand what he meant by his love being innocent – was he implying that he had no sexual interest in her, or that as long as he was not forcing her to enter into a relationship with him, he was not harassing her? Clearly, the meaning of consensual love was lost on him.
Ultimately, after being informed about the difference between sexual harassment in general and sexual harassment in the workplace, he finally agreed to a conciliation. While the situation was resolved amicably, it must surely play on their minds, as it has often played on mine.
Related Reading: How To Tell If Your Boss Likes You Romantically?
The Gray Area of a Consensual Relationship with a Subordinate
More recently (during the first lockdown), I was asked to consult on another matter in which the head of HR of an organization fell in love with a new recruit who was fresh out of college. He interviewed her personally (something he need not have done) and struck up a conversation with her over WhatsApp in the guise of congratulating her when she was offered a position. The conversations became friendly, and even though they had met only once, within one week he had expressed his love and desire to marry her.
This being the girl’s first job and big break prevented her from telling him to back off. She told him that she was too young and that if he was really serious, then he should ask her when they met in person.
Luckily for her, the opportunities to meet were few and far between due to COVID-19. At the end of her month of training, she had to visit the office to complete her joining formalities. Being in a position of influence, the senior HR ensured that he was in the office at the time that she had to visit, and once she arrived, he asked her to accompany him to his office as he had a present to give her.
When they entered the lift (he took her to the service lift when he saw that there were other occupants in the regular lift), he tried to hug her and asked her for a kiss. The girl pushed him away and exited the lift at the first opportunity. Two days later, she filed a complaint of sexual harassment in the workplace.
When asked to respond to this complaint, he denied the physical advance (which was almost impossible to prove since it had happened in a lift with no camera or witnesses) and stated that he had no idea that she had not been interested in him since she had never said no and had continued to interact with him throughout the previous month. The entire WhatsApp conversation between them was read over by the internal committee.
While it was true that there was no clear rejection, the committee could see a distinct change in the tone of her messages whenever he made any advances. She was usually “busy” when he asked why she was not replying to his expressions of love; she avoided meeting him or even speaking to him on the phone and never said anything that indicated that she reciprocated his feelings. She was still friendly and did not say that she was not interested.
Unwelcome Advances Disregard Consent
Such cases are extremely common in workplace settings, and it is a difficult task for internal committees to ascertain whether or not feelings of love or interest are reciprocated. In the first case, the complainant had indicated her disinterest by stating that she was happily married, however, in the second case, this indication was much subtler.
While the second complainant’s rejection was not obvious, her responses did indicate a lack of enthusiasm. When asked why she had not made her disinterest clearer, this complainant told us that initially, she had enjoyed the flirtation but had been very taken aback when it turned into an expression of love so quickly and even more shocked when he had proposed marriage to her after having met her only once.
She initially thought that he was jesting, and when she realized that he was serious, she did not know how to let him down without hurting his feelings. Added to that was the fact that she was still on probation, and no one in that position wants to anger the person who has the final say on their job status. The final straw for her was when he expected their relationship to become physical.
Such scenarios bring to light the difficulties that arise when romantic advances are made in a work setting by persons who are in the position to influence the recipient’s work life. However, it is important for people who find themselves in this position to know that they are not expected to either accept such advances or reject them outright if there is fear or perception of retaliation.
It is, however, important to speak up and report such matters to the organization’s internal committee. The IC’s job is to look for the subtlest of indicators to see whether or not consent was actually given.
Related Reading: 12 Ways Office Affairs Can Spell Trouble For You
How Not to Err on the Wrong Side of Consensual Relationships in the Workplace?
So, how can you ensure that you do not disregard someone’s consent in the pursuit of your feelings, especially in a workplace setting involving a senior-subordinate equation? Here are a few tips:
- Consent must be explicit: Consent must be shown enthusiastically and explicitly. Not saying no, or staying quiet does not imply consent or interest
- Subtle rejection: Rejection can be subtle. For example, avoiding being alone with the individual; avoiding personal conversations, while responding enthusiastically when the topic is related to work; or outright ignoring these advances. It is not the complainant’s fault if the respondent does not understand this
- Don’t suffer in silence: Keeping quiet does not help. Such behavior creates a hostile work environment, reducing your productivity, and ultimately hampering your progress. Your leaving the organization to avoid this situation will only adversely impact your own career.
- Amicable resolution is possible: A complaint to the IC does not always result in disciplinary action being taken against the respondent. If the complainant desires an amicable resolution, a conciliation can be facilitated and counseling for the respondent can also be recommended by the IC.
- Unwelcome advances amount to sexual harassment: Yes, THIS IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT AT THE WORKPLACE. Repetitive unwelcome advances (even if not overtly sexual) can cause mental harassment and a hostile work environment
If you’re attracted to a subordinate, keep these factors in mind to ensure that you’re establishing a consensual relationship with an employee who is a subordinate and not disregarding their consent in any manner, even if unwittingly. If you’re being subjected to unwelcome advances from a senior or a coworker, know that there is legal recourse available to you.
Final Thoughts: Maintaining Respectful Relationships at Work
In summary, it’s vital to understand that love and consent in the workplace are complex and require clear communication. Misinterpreting someone’s feelings can lead to uncomfortable and even harmful situations. Always seek explicit and enthusiastic consent, and remember that silence or avoidance is not a sign of agreement. Creating a safe and respectful environment allows everyone to feel comfortable setting boundaries and expressing concerns. As someone in a position of influence, be aware of power dynamics and prioritize professionalism and respect in all interactions.
FAQs: Understanding Consent in the Workplace
1. What should I do if I’m facing unwelcome romantic advances at work?
You should never feel pressured to accept unwanted advances. It’s crucial to speak up and report the behavior to your company’s internal committee or a trusted colleague. You have the right to a safe and respectful work environment.
2. Does silence or a lack of explicit rejection of romantic advances indicate consent?
No, silence or a lack of explicit rejection does not mean consent. Consent must be clear, enthusiastic, and freely given. Subtle rejections like avoiding personal conversations or changing the subject should also be respected.
3. Can romantic relationships between a superior and a subordinate ever be truly consensual?
Due to the power dynamics involved, such relationships often raise questions about genuine consent. Even if both parties initially agree, the subordinate may feel pressured or fear retaliation if they try to end the relationship. It’s essential to be aware of these complexities and prioritize professional boundaries.
4. What are the consequences of ignoring consent in the workplace?
Ignoring consent creates a hostile work environment, negatively affecting productivity, morale, and even careers. It can also lead to legal action for sexual harassment. Prioritizing clear communication and respecting boundaries is essential for fostering a healthy and inclusive workplace.
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