Married and having an affair, what do I do?

Question:

I’ve never thought in my life that I need a counsellor as I’ve always thought myself stronger. I’m a 35-year-old man, married, and my son is two years old. Mine is a love marriage. I love and respect my wife very much. We dated for a few years before marriage and then tied the knot five years ago. I’m an executive and she is a professor, which reminds me of the additional respect that I have for her. I always wanted to marry someone from that field.

Last year, I met a girl on Facebook who used to be my classmate in school. She is married and blessed with a child, she works in her husband’s office. I soon learnt that she got married by the age of 18 and also against her wishes. She and her husband are staying in a house but not sharing the same bed. When I asked, she replied that they are like this from the beginning of their marriage. They are only good as business partners.

Later I realized that she was depending on me and started loving me. Before marriage I’ve been into many relationships but I’ve never loved anyone till I met my present wife. We kept chatting for many days and now I realized I’m also attracted to her. I keep waiting for her texts and calls. She does it when her husband is not around and I do the same. A few days back, she said that she wants to live with me. I know it is impossible, but I cannot help myself falling in love with her. It’s not only her fault, I also made promises to her, which I thought she knew cannot be fulfilled. We have been intimate but never had sex… as I’m not confident and could not make up my mind or the consequences. She is totally dependent on me (this is what I think) she speaks and shares everything before she does. My wife is very hot tempered but I know she loves me very much. We have not had sex with each other since the last one and half years as she bought her aunt to take care of my child, as we both are working. I wanted to confess everything to her but I feel scared that she will not believe me that I have not sexually cheated on her.

Please help me what should I do. Please suggest.

Related reading: My husband had an affair, but it’s me who can’t forget!

Dear Married Man,

Coming to a therapist says nothing about you except that you’re a human being and everyone has their good or bad days. This has nothing to do with personal strength or weakness, despite popular myth. In fact you’re doing the right thing by seeking help.

First things first, it is okay to get emotionally attracted to someone because you’re a human being who demands rather needs emotional support and connection. This does not mean what your doing is right or wrong. That is for you to judge. But before that, you need to ask yourself certain questions. For these 10 minutes while you read this forget about the other girl. Alright? Think about what you want and what you are okay with.

Answer these for yourself.

A. Where is my relationship with my wife going? Where do I see myself five years hence with my wife?
B. Am I ready to work on my marriage with my wife and bring the spark back?
C. Maybe my wife and I need to learn to be better partners and communicate healthily?
D. Can I commit to helping my marriage and giving it my all before delving into thinking about another woman?

Now answer these. Let’s call your girlfriend ‘K’.

A. How are K’s marital problems mine?
B. If not me, can she not have taken the same support from anyone else who was ready to give her the support?
C. What do I want from K?
D. Where do I see myself in five years with K?
E. Do I even see a future with K?
F. What do I really want to do? Be with my wife or be with K?
Lastly, even if your wife was not hot tempered, she will most likely not appreciate her husband having an affair. So it is up to you to decide whether you want to tell her or not. No one knows your relationship better than you.

Hope this help. Feel free to get in touch again.

Dr. Snigdha