Divorcing a narcissist husband – 8 ways to stay sane

by Angelina Gupta
Narcissist man

No divorce is a bed of roses. It is an emotional and mental struggle, especially when there are children involved. What’s worse is a divorce with a narcissist who is going to make your life a bed of thorns with fire smoking from all sides. Narcissists are like parasites. They feed on their partners to cater to their own requirements and when you tell them about ending it, it is not going to go down well at all. Their insecurities and fears seem to show their worst sides and you may not be brave enough to face it.

Characteristics of a narcissist husband

Every person has some narcissist trait or the other within them that is triggered by some emotion or situation. There is a difference between a normal person having narcissist traits once in a while and someone who is a narcissist to his bones. If your husband has these traits, then run for your life, because he is going to twist it according to his whims and fancies.

  • He lives in a world of his own. He considers himself to have hold of the remote control of everyone’s life around him. If he is happy, he might consider keeping you happy, too, but if he is sad or angry, he will vent it out on you
  • He will always play victim and force you on a guilt trip. He will never apologise for his actions, but will make you feel that you are at fault. He won’t care whether you are hurt or unhappy. As long as his ego is satisfied, he is not going to care
  • He will treat you and other people like his property. You cannot breathe unless he permits you to
  • He lives in a world of his own and gives himself utmost importance. He gets jealous when he sees someone else stealing his limelight

Divorcing a narcissistic husband is always going to be ugly. The fuller of himself he is, the uglier it’s going to be. While the best thing would be to recognise the signs of a narcissist while you are still dating, and then ditch him there and then, it may not be always so clear. If you happen to marry a narcissist and now regret the same, here are 8 ways you can cope with a divorce with a narcissistic husband.

8 ways of staying sane when divorcing a narcissist husband

Once you make the brave decision of divorcing a narcissistic husband, it is going to be a great ordeal involving lots of ups and downs, both emotionally and mentally. You will question your decision and feel as if you are the bad guy here. Don’t fall into this trap. It’s your partner who has made you take this drastic step. There are going to be a series of legal complications and potential physical abuse on the part of your partner. It is important for you to be mentally strong enough to handle yourself and your children (if you have any). Here are 8 ways that can help you go through this rough phase without causing harm to yourself.

1. Expect fireworks from your husband’s side

You need to prepare yourself for what is yet to come. Your husband is going to be furious and things are going to get way more complicated and ugly than what they already are. You need to gather all your courage and strength to face what is yet to come. Nothing is going to go down well with him and you will have a tough time starting now.

You know what your narcissist husband is capable of, so be prepared for what he has in store for you going against him.

2. Be steps ahead of your husband

Your husband is not going to let his guard down so easily. Control is something that he likes to impose and when he starts feeling that he is losing it, he is going to put up a fight. You need to be proactive and think way beyond your husband. Make sure that you can gather every kind of evidence that will paint your partner black, because he will be working very hard to make you look like the bad person here.

Remember, he loves playing the victim.

3. Talk to people who will understand what you mean

Someone who has never seen the bad side of your husband is never going to believe you or hear your side of the story. You need to gather as many people as possible to your support, so that they can help you fight back. Talk to someone who has fallen prey to your husband’s actions. It could be a former employee, his friend or even a family member. Seek their support.

Make sure that these people are by your side when everything goes down.

4. Do not rethink your decision

Making such a decision is itself a big step that you have taken. It is a sign of courage and self worth. Don’t think about stepping back. Think about all those times that your husband ill treated you and made you feel like you are the worst person on earth. Remember those times when you thought that you deserved it, and all for what, your husband’s whims?

What happened in your marriage cannot be undone, but you can at least make the rest of your life better. Don’t think about the kids. Explain divorce to your children, in age appropriate ways and be rest assured that they will understand once they are mature enough. For once, think about yourself too.

5. Keep multiple copies of all the evidence that you have collected

Your husband will try as hard as possible to destroy the evidence you have so that you do not get what you want. Make sure that it doesn’t happen. This could be your only chance to escape from this trap. Be very secretive about your evidence and share it only with your lawyer and make sure that your lawyer knows the gravity of your case. Make multiple copies and always keep a piece of evidence from everyone that you could use as your masterstroke.

6. Keep your cool when divorcing a narcissist husband

Everyone gets triggered by something or the other. Your husband knows the different things that trigger you. He will try to attack those points so that you have a mental imbalance. He could be doing this to prove that you are insane and unfit to take care of the kids or he could be doing it to put you in a bad light. Either way, make sure that you don’t get provoked by anything he does.

Meditate and make yourself mentally strong to fight him without acting on what he says or does.

7. Make a plan and do not compromise

Once your narcissist husband begins to feel that he is losing the battle, he will try to act like he is a changed person. Make sure that you do not fall into that trap. He might try to attack your weak points or your emotional aspects, beware of that. He will try to make promises and ask you to compromise. It could be by way of alimony or child custody. Make sure that you put your foot down and say No.

8. Seek help from a therapist

Being married to a narcissistic husband has broken you from inside and you may feel that you are beyond repair. In such a case, seeing a therapist could help you heal your wounds and make you feel self-love and appreciation again. The therapist will help you get through that phase easier and you will not feel that you are in this alone. Forgive yourself for what happened, because it wasn’t your fault.

Not everyone is able to identify a narcissist before or during the initial stages of your marriage. A narcissist reveals his true colours once he is sure that he can fully control you. Being in a narcissistic relationship is like being a guinea pig or a lab rat. If you think that you can continue to be in such a marriage, then think about whether you deserve it. If you are clinging on to the idea of love being in your relationship, then you are wrong again. Such people are only in love with themselves. Think twice before considering continuing being in a marriage that is more like a suicide mission.

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2 comments

Deb Chatterjee June 11, 2018 - 11:48 pm

This suggestion is debatable. The pro-left feminists are up for breaking marriage.

I am appalled by the brutally selfish suggestion, “… don’t think about your children…. think for yourself.. “.

While admitting that almost all have narcissist traits in them, it can also be argued that the limits of tolerance of narcissist behavior must be clearly defined. What is tolerable for one, can be intolerable for the other. So where is the line drawn?

And the suggestion that marriage can make partners fear each other, and hence secrecy is a good option, is by itself an immoral suggestion.

Such articles apparently are biased against marriage and promote selfishness, sowing seeds of mistrust amongst the partners.

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Tired October 22, 2019 - 5:17 pm

If you have experienced narcissistic abuse personally, these suggestions are gold. I married a man whose mask slipped several months post-nuptials. Since then, he has demonstrated troubling disordered thinking, planting trash otside to try to get neighbors evicted, holding a lighter to flammable material inside when angry (we live in a 12-unit building), threatening to destroy anything and everything I care about (new car, sentimental belongings, saying things like “I cant wait til your parents die, so you feel my pain”, “your parents sent you away to school to get rid of you, because they didn’t love you”, and the like. Can’t communicate rationally with him, as he escalates into rage over everything (cant find a Sharpie? Rawr!). Won’t see counsellors, as he states he is superior, and could counsel them. He didn’t finish high school, as he dropped out to party and follow a band around drinking & drugging his youth (& apparently, a large quantity of brain cells) away. He will NOT plan for a future outside of his immediate needs, and relies on me for everything. Won’t do his taxes, wont budget, or assist with household management. Lost his license a ways back, could get it squared away now, but instead, prefers to martyr it up, saying, and I quote “you are persecuting me every time you drive”. !! So, I drive everywhere, do all errands. He is disabled, but able to get out when he feels like it. Can go to concerts, hobby activities, but ‘too sick, sore to go to grocery store”, or call Dr himself. For HIS issues.
My parents just celebrated their 50th anniversary. My model for family-based commitment is solid. I gave 250% for 5 years to this marriage, only to be insulted, abused, and devalued in return, via schoolyard bully tactics, name-calling, endless indiginities. Because I love and respect marriage, and take it seriously, I want this fixed, or over, so as to not further besmirch the institution. I just dont know how to fix it. I have tried everything. His own mother won’t speak to him…Good luck to anyone in a similar situation. Ignore people who just don’t get it. The people who care try and make those who don’t, care, but the trouble is, the people who don’t, just don’t care…

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